The Mates Running the Asylum
I’ve written this one as the first scene for a pilot. It’s not as boom-boom-boom funny as many sketches, but I think it works as a teaser for something more with a few chuckles as well. Let me know what you think.
INT. STEELE’S OFFICE – DAY
Cozy wood paneled office with thick rugs and rich upholstery. A large wardrobe dominates one wall, an oak desk sits in front of a large window and a couch and overstuffed chair by another.
PERCIVAL STEELE sits in the chair, notebook in hand. In his early 50s and sturdy, his clothes are hand tailored, crisp, and intentionally dated. Were Emma Peel to run in wearing a catsuit, she would not seem out of place. BOB WETZEL lies on the couch in hospital garb and slippers. In his 50s with a long mane of unruly silver hair, he might have followed Timothy Leary’s counsel one time too many.
BOB
--turned into a dang armadillo and skittered away.
Percy takes a note.
PERCY
Mmm.
BOB
What do you think that means?
PERCY
What do you think that means?
BOB
I’d guess it meant I was afraid of something.
PERCY
Is that all?
BOB
Whattya mean?
PERCY
Why an armadillo? Why not a hare or fox? Something fleeter of foot.
BOB
Sure, a jackrabbit might be faster, but it ain’t got armor.
Percy writes some more.
PERCY
Mmm.
BOB
So you’re saying I respond to threats by closing off?
PERCY
Is that what you think I’m saying?
BOB
I think you sure are scribblin’ a lot.
Percy furiously notes this.
PERCY
Does that bother you?
BOB
That incessant ‘scritch scritch’ bugs me a bit. Why’n’t you use ballpoints like normal folk?
Percy holds up his lux pen, a hand-carved burled wood fountain pen and examines it for a long, quiet two seconds. Then he takes a few notes and says...
PERCY
Interesting. Very interesting. Well Bob, our time is up now.
Bob gets up and walks toward the wardrobe.
BOB
Any plans for the weekend?
He opens the wardrobe and stands hidden behind its large door.
PERCY
Emily and I are taking in a show this evening. And Susie’s football team made the playoffs so we’ll be off cheering her on tomorrow.
Bob’s pants are tossed from behind the wardrobe door.
BOB
Football?
PERCY
I can’t say it.
Bob’s shirt is tossed on top of his pants.
BOB
Why do you think that is?
Bob closes the wardrobe door, wearing an untucked, wrinkled shirt, chinos, and sandals. He gathers his hair into a ponytail and bands it.
PERCY
Fine.
(With extreme distaste)
Soccer. Happy now?
BOB
As a pig in shit! Alright, give my love to Em and the kids. I’ll see you Monday.
PERCY
Toodles.
Percy exits and Bob sits behind the desk reading through notes. The intercom buzzes and he presses it.
MS. LILLEHAMMER (O.S.)
Doctor Wetzel? One of the patients in Ward Three is acting up.
PERCY
Alright, tell them I’m on my way.
BLACKOUT: