Okay, I’m finally catching up on some more commentary entries for Sketchwar.
Tag: the heist
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Friday Night Sketch War: The Heist Edition
Ssh! The warriors were in stealth mode this week for a battle of wits and wills in The Heist! Let’s see what convoluted and shifty schemes our combatants put together.
- Peter put together a crack team under the pressure of an economy gone south…
- Coyote showed us the truth behind this past week’s biggest story…
- Ken went all Euro on our asses and did it in style.
Me, personally, I think Peter kicked our asses hard with his short, sharp blackout sketch. I’m a little embarassed to have mine in competition against it, even if I do have a really nice visual midway through.
Next week’s topic: Borders.
If you think you’ve got the comedy chops to do battle with our scarred
and bitter warriors, if you dare step into the hailstorm of seltzer and
cream pies, if you think you’re MAN ENOUGH to make us laugh, write a
sketch and contact us at sketchwar(nospam)@dreamloom.com. -
FSW: The Heist (Ken’s Entry)
Looks like I’m bringing up the rear today. Here goes:
___________________________________________________________INT. – ART MUSEUM – NIGHT
GERARD and HENRI are in the middle of a laser-grid in a magnificent oak paneled room with a parquet floor. The two men are trim European men in their mid-40’s, dressed all high-tech looking black skin-suits, with black gloves and black watch caps. They are surrounded by red laser beams. The room is illuminated only by small pools of light and the intricate grid of laser beams that criss-cross the room. At the opposite end is an incredibly large diamond in a glass case highlighted under a bright spotlight. GERARD and HENRI gymnastically navigate the laser beams slowly with controlled athletic grace.
HENRI slides deftly under a particularly low laser beam.GERARD
(speaking with a French accent)
Exquisite movement, my friend.
HENRI
(also with a French accent)
Perfection Gerard, just as you taught me.
GERARD
Ah! Have we have become too good Henri?
HENRI
Too good for us? No. Too good for everyone else…oui!
GERARD
Sometimes I wonder…why do they even bother with security anymore?
HENRI
Oui…I think the same thing my friend. After all these years…
GERARD
All those diamonds we two have stolen…
HENRI
Still they leave them out, in plain sight, in glass cases.
GERARD
Oui. Thinking they are protected the lasers, the heat detectors..
HENRI
The hidden cameras, the pressure sensitive plates.
GERARD
Pittances
HENRI
Trifles.
GERARD
Does it stop us?
HENRI
No…never.
GERARD
They should put such diamonds in a safe at night.
HENRI
Or put some big metal thing around them when the public is not around.
GERARD
They want to tease us, Henri…to tempt us…
HENRI
Oui! They wish us to come out and play with them.
GERARD
(mockingly)
“Oh…the cat burglars, they are so good”
HENRI
(in the same mocking tone)
“They cannot be denied.”
GERARD
“We have no chance of catching such men…men with such panache.”
HENRI
“They are so much better than we in every way!”
GERARD
“They are clever”
HENRI
“They are handsome”
GERARD
“They are stylish”
HERNI
“So well groomed”
GERARD
“So athletic”
HENRI
“So lithe”
GERARD
“Let us put out some expensive bauble…and maybe they will grace us with a visit”
HENRI
“It would be an honor to be robbed by them”
GERARD
“To be humiliated by them”
HENRI
“To have our jewels grabbed by them”
GERARD
“To have our chambers violated by them”
HENRI
“To be so degraded”
GERARD
“So outwitted”
HENRI
“Publicly defeated in public”
GERARD
“Let us dangle our gaudy baubles for them!”
HENRI
“And hope that they will grab them”
GERARD spots himself in a mirror
GERARD
God we are attractive!
HENRI
I am one of us, and I want us to degrade us!
HENRI clicks a button on his suit, and all of the sudden “BAD GIRLS” by Donna Summer starts blaring loudly from HENRI’s suit. HENRI and GERARD continue navigating the laser grid with a some disco flair to their movements.
A side door opens, and a GUARD enters quickly flipping on a light switch. The whole room is illuminated. HENRI and GERARD freeze in some awkward laser-grid-navigating positions as the GUARD, an American, shouts at them.
GUARD
(screaming)
JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH!!! WOULD YOU GODDAMN EURO-FRUITS PLEASE KEEP IT THE FUCK DOWN IN HERE! I GOT 50 BUCKS ON THE FUCKING CELTICS AND I CAN’T HEAR JACK SHIT!!!
HENRI slowly reaches up and clicks off the music from his suit.
The GUARD turns to leave.GERARD
Wait….are you not surprised to find the two greatest cat burglars in the world inside your museum, deftly defeating your security, coming to steal your big expensive diamond?
GUARD
You pricks tripped a silent alarm an hour ago. And frankly the oil sheik that owns that fucker is just dying for someone to steal it. It’s worth shit thanks to the economy – and there ain’t no one else out there stupid enough to buy it. You steal it, he collects a big fat insurance settlement…you two get shafted with on a big rock you can’t unload and he gets richer. We’re getting a kickback from the sheik to look the other way if there’s a break in.
HENRI and GERARD look at each other from their frozen positions.
HENRI
So…no one is going to try and stop us, or arrest us, or deny us with some unbeatable state of the art anti-theft technology?
GUARD
Nope.
GERARD
You won’t burst in again yelling "halt" or "freeze" or something?
GUARD
Not if you assholes keep it down in here.
HENRI and GERARD look at each again, a little defeated but thinking things over. HENRI reaches up and turns the music back on, then lowers the volume looking to the GUARD for approval. The GUARD gestures for him to turn it down until the volume meets his approval, then he turns to go again, reaching for the light switch.
GERARD
Uh, could you leave the lights on? We like see ourselves in the mirror.
The GUARD gestures as if to say "suit yourself", closes the door and leaves. GERARD and HENRI go back to their athletic disco gymnastic navigation of the now invisible laser field, looking at themselves in the mirror the whole time now.
HENRI
We cannot be stopped! The dashing cat-burglars cannot be denied!
GERARD
I want a copy of the security tape – I bet we look good on it.
HENRI
Only if its from a good angle – high mounted cameras make me look pudgy.
FADE TO BLACK.
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FSW: Heist Edition (Coyote’s entry)
EXT. RIVERBANK – DAY
A secluded spot on the NY side of the Hudson River. The GW Bridge is recognizable to the north. The camera focuses out on the river.
MARTIN (O.S.)
Goddamn, it’s cold!
PIERRE (O.S.)
Oui. I could have stayed in Quebec if I’d wanted to freeze my tail off.
MADELINE (O.S.)
The job’s here, not in Quebec. Stop your squawking and focus. The boss is almost in position.
PIERRE (O.S.)
I still don’t understand the plan.
MADELINE (O.S.)
That’s because you’re a stubborn old fool. Look, the courier is on the plane, right?
PIERRE (O.S.)
Oui.
MADELINE (O.S.)
He always has the case with him?
MARTIN (O.S.)
You don’t have to talk down to us.
MADELINE (O.S.)
I think maybe I do. We need a distraction, some way to create enough chaos that the courier forgets the case for just a moment. Then Marcel can grab it and get out.
PIERRE (O.S.)
And that’s why–
CUT TO:
The three plotters are in bird costumes. Goddamn Canada Geese.
MADELINE
–That’s why we crash the plane.
CUT TO MAIN TITLES:
Montage of the Geese committing crimes. Picking locks, picking pockets, cracking safes, stuff blowing up, and finally a slo-mo walk toward us by all four of the Geese criminals. The title on the screen…GOOD FOR THE GANDER
EXT. RIVERBANK – DAY
The three Geese are right where we left them, stomping their webbed feet in the cold.
MARTIN
What’s with this manifesto you sent out?
MADELINE
We’re taking out the plane for the Canuck Avian Liberation Front.
PIERRE
CALF?
MADELINE
Yes.
PIERRE
Shouldn’t it be BIRD, or GOOSE, or something like that?
MADELINE
Cute.
PIERRE
Really, who are they?
MADELINE
I read about them in Time Magazine. It should throw the Feds off our scent.
A cellphone rings. Martin takes his out of his pocket and answers.
MARTIN
Go.
(beat)
Alright, we’re ready.
He hangs up and turns to his comrades.
MARTIN (CONT’D)
They’re airborne. It’s time.
MADELINE
Remember…flap around like crazy so the pilot thinks there are more of us, then throw the frozen turkeys toward the engines. The turbines will do the rest.
PIERRE
See you on the other side!
Pierre starts to run toward the water flapping his wings.
MADELINE
No, you idiot! The rendezvous is on this side of the river!
BLACKOUT:
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FSW: The Heist Edition (Peter’s entry)
Friday Sketch War
The Heist Edition
“The Team”FADE IN:
INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE – NIGHT
BILL sits at a table piled high with schematics, maps, and diagrams.
Guns, rapelling equipment, and electronic gadgets sit on another nearby table.
A nearby chalkboard shows the (heavily-annotated) floor plan of a large mansion.
A giant photo thumbtacked to the chalkboard shows a big, glittery diamond.
Beyond the tables and chalkboard: darkness.
Bill scribbles on the papers, checks a map against the chalkboard floorplan.
A DOOR OPENS somewhere in the dark.
JULIAN steps into the light.
JULIAN
Mr. Ellis. Our employer hopes your plan for obtaining the Zawabi Diamond is coming together?
BILL
It’s the perfect heist, kid. Just gimme manpower.
JULIAN
Excellent. Mr. Ellis, please meet your team.
EZRA enters the area, holding a Boggle game.
JULIAN
Mr. Ezra Diablo, three-time regional Boggle championship.
Ezra shakes the Boggle game.
EZRA
Let’s boggle!
MARY enters, holding a chihuahua who wears a hand-knit sweater.
JULIAN
Mary Williamson, editor of Doggie Sweater Enthusiast Magazine.
MARY
Hello!
JEAN-CLAUDE enters in full chef costume.
JULIAN
Jean-Claude Brillac, expert pastry chef.
JEAN-CLAUDE
I am without equal!
STEPHEN HAWKING wheels forward in a motorized wheelchair.
JULIAN
And renowned physicist Stephen Hawking.
Mr. Hawking speaks via a computerized voicebox.
MR. HAWKING
Let’s do this shit.
Beat.
BILL
So… all the real criminals have gone into banking?
JULIAN
Afraid so.
BLACKOUT.