The Mates Running the Asylum
I’ve written this one as the first scene for a pilot. It’s not as boom-boom-boom funny as many sketches, but I think it works as a teaser for something more with a few chuckles as well. Let me know what you think.
I’ve written this one as the first scene for a pilot. It’s not as boom-boom-boom funny as many sketches, but I think it works as a teaser for something more with a few chuckles as well. Let me know what you think.
We’ve moved once again. Our new, and permanent home, is sketchwar.org It’s not pretty right now – just an out of the box WordPress site – but it’ll get better over the next month or so. Thanks to everyone who’s been coming here. We hope you come on over to the new home!
Ken’s entry
I thought Ken started off the week on a solid note. It seems to me that for a fake movie trailer for an old TV show to be funny (not necessarily indicative of a good movie) it needs to have a stark tonal shift from the source material. The source material should also be something with which the audience is very familiar. E.g. NYPD Blue turned into a frathouse movie or Starsky and Hutch as a gay romcom.1 His Tarantino meets Tootie succeeded on both fronts, taking a well-known and recognizable little romp and flipping it on its head into a darkly comic shoot em up.
One area where I feel Ken didn’t succeed was including Tarantino’s heavy use of popculture references, both in dialog and in shot selection. We’re all working on short deadlines when we write these sketches, so I suspect another day or two would have made a big difference. Especially with a show like this, I think a few winks and nods toward George Clooney, or the difficulties the Different Strokes kids have had as adults would really kick this up a bit.
RA’s entry
I succeeded in what I set out to do, though I could also have used another day or two to polish. As I said above, but applying a tonal shift to a well known property, I get a lot of humor based on the audience’s inverted expectations. Added to that, the genre I picked – blaxploitation flicks – lends itself to parody. In a genre where many of the foundational entries were nearly self-parodic, it’s hard not to get some easy laughs. Like Ken’s, mine feels basically like a trailer, though we both wrote ours in mostly chronological order. A few more cuts, a little less narrative arc, and I think I’d have been closer to the feel of a trailer.
But more than pulling the scenes out of strict chronological order, I needed to watch a bunch of genre trailers and work on the dialog for the characters and especially the narrator. It’s vaguely close, but not right by any means. Watching those would also have given me a better idea for what to do with those spray painted titles, though I got pretty close with those.
Peter’s entry
I like Peter’s entry quite a lot, but I don’t find it very funny. Where it fails for me is taking a light actioner and turning it into an action-thriller. It just didn’t change enough to have any inherit humor, leaving it up to Peter to write a lot of funny bits. But because it’s now an action-thriller, there’s not much funny there.
Of all the entries, his feels the most like a modern movie trailer. It does suffer a bit from chronological scene ordering, but gets away with it better because the underlying film jumps around in time.
I’d definitely be interested in seeing this film – a strong antagonist for Sam is what QL always lacked – but I wouldn’t expect it to be a comedy based on this trailer.
David W’s entry
David admitted to having some trouble with this topic and it didn’t help that we changed it late in the week leading up to the battle so he only had a couple of days to work on it. This sketch feels very little like a trailer. It plays out more like the opening scene for the movie. It also doesn’t have a consistent tone. At times, I think this is going to be a light-thriller, like E.T., where nefarious forces find out about Ed and come looking for him. At other times, it feels like a straight up family comedy, in line with the original show. Because the sketch isn’t clear what it wants to be, I’m not clear how I should take it.
Criticisms aside, there are a few chuckles on display. It’s juvenile, but the poison gas bit is cute, as is the “now you’ve stepped in it” line. However, it’s these very chuckles that make this out to be a family comedy in the Beethoven age group.
Michael’s entry
Michael also wrote something that plays out more like a single scene from the movie than a traditional trailer. I think he manages to balance his two genres well, though. Keeping the voices of his characters true to the originals but moving them into a horror film works *because* of Wes Craven.2 His Scream series pushed the light horror genre into the mainstream, making a horror film where Woody’s making dumb comments about Occam’s Razor feel perfectly natural. The humor in this sketch comes from the character interactions and very little from the setting. It could as easily have been a Halloween episode of Cheers instead of the trailer for a film.
I think I would have liked this one a bit better if it had hewed to the conventions of trailers a bit more, at least by cutting together more scenes. Nonetheless, I think it’s a funny one.
Dave’s entry
If I were ranking the sketches, Dave’s would have come in first by a large margin. Now, *technically* he cheated the topic a little bit. Entertainment Tonight isn’t exactly the type of TV show one would ever expect to see as a film, but it obeys the letter of the law. Beyond that, it is *funny*. By twisting the genre completely – turning ET into an All the President’s Men look into an Oscar conspiracy – Dave really pulled me in. At the same time I’m laughing, I’m thinking this might be a *good* movie. Silly, maybe, but he’s not taking it that way.
Dave’s also feels the most like a modern trailer. From the very opening to the final shot, the cuts scenes tell the story without *spoiling* the story. A really fine example of the form.
RA’s bonus entry
Ken and I had both been toying with second ideas during the week, his a full sketch and mine just a teaser. He actually posted his first, but I scheduled mine to run a few hours earlier so his would be top of the blog until the wrapup.
There isn’t much to mine, but I think I perfectly nailed what I was looking for. In fact, when Ken commented that he heard Danny Elfman playing while reading it, I knew I’d hit my target. This should feel like a cross between Tim Burton and Barry Sonnenfeld, and an Elfman score would fit it perfectly. What the movie is? I don’t know or care. But the teaser came to me fully formed.
I think it works because, well, there isn’t much there. The movie’s tone was hopefully obvious from the description of the camera work and the final weirdness of the maze spelling out the title of the movie. Once the tone wass set and the title delivered, my job was done.
Ken’s bonus entry
There is nothing not funny about a title mashup. This sketch works not because it defies genre conventions, but because it pairs two incompatible genres. The silliness of Chico and the Man dropped into the thriller world of Manimal succeeds on its fish out of water strength.3 The sketch feels like a trailer, and because it doesn’t attempt to go from film’s start to its end, it doesn’t even feel as chronologically bound as most of our other trailers this week.
In some ways, I think Ken’s bonus entry is better than his first entry.
1. See how a funny trailer can be a NOT funny movie. Each comedy idea has an ideal length, something the writers of SNL have *still* never learned. Week in and week out they stretch two-minute ideas into five-minute sketches. Likewise the atrocious S&H movie. Funny for a trailer, not two hours.
2. To a lesser extent it also works because of George Wendt and John Ratzenberger. I don’t know if Michael has ever seen House or House II: The Second Story,
but they were horror films from ’86 and ’87. The first starred William
Katt and Wendt. It was slightly light horror. The
second starred Arye Gross and featured Ratzenberger and was
*extremely* light horror. I actually recommend them both as easy-going
fun.
3. Yes, I know. Manimal is silly too, but it wasn’t *intended* to be silly. If we accept Manimal on its terms, it is a light actioner more in line with Knight Rider than a self-parody. With a modern SFX budget, I think a big screen Manimal could actually hit its target, making Chico’s presence very out of place and therefore funny.
Another great fight this week with six warriors bringing eight sketches. Yeah, we got a little crazy.
I’m really proud of our output this week and hope everyone finds at least one or two sketches they enjoy. Be sure to leave comments to let us know what you think.
Next week we’re changing things up a little bit. Because they asked the Twitterverse for it, we’re going to write sketches – hopefully ones that could be expanded into TV shows – intended to star @stephenfry and @BrentSpiner.
If you think you’ve got the comedy chops to do battle with our scarredand bitter warriors, if you dare step into the hailstorm of seltzer andcream pies, if you think you’re MAN ENOUGH to make us laugh, write asketch and contact us at sketchwar(nospam)@dreamloom.com.
EXT. CORN MAZE – DAY
The camera enters the maze and flies through it, cutting around corners, swinging like a pendulum, a rapid swirl of green corn and pale yellow hay. It comes to a dead end. A pig oinks softly. The camera swings around and moves off, the grunts getting louder.
DISSOLVE THROUGH:
Literally through one of the maze walls and find the pig, running with purpose through the maze. The camera follows as the pig rapidly cuts through to the end.
Outside the maze, farmland stretches to the horizon. The camera swings back around to the exterior of the maze, swings down to the ground, and flies straight up, away from the ground.
From high in the sky looking down on the maze we see it spells out –
GREEN ACRES
Everything but the words fades to black and a title appears underneath –
CHRISTMAS 2009
FADE TO BLACK:
EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT
A middle-aged black WOMAN cradles a bloody, lifeless young teen in her arms. WILL, a tall black teenager stands next to her. Sirens wail in the distance.
WOMAN
Will! Will! What have you done!
CUT TO:
CU on Will’s face.
WILL
Snitch got what he deserved.
CUT TO:
Medium shot. Sirens closing in.
WOMAN
Baby, you gotta get outta here. Go!
Will pauses a moment, then runs. Camera lingers on him running away, then cuts back to woman and child.
A funky bass riff starts playing. Quick cuts of the city streets – random violence on display everywhere. Muggers, prostitutes, pimps, and dealers on every corner. Cops beating a suspect in the middle of the street. The bass is joined by a small combo and continues through the trailer.
TITLES fly on the screen like spray painted graffiti – “Mean Streets”
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Growing up on the mean streets of Philly teaches a brother to look out for number one. This fly young cat ain’t no different.
TITLES – “One Fly Cat”
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
A posh, huge house. A staircase spirals up in the background. Will stands in the middle of the room with a small bag in one hand and a gat in the other.
WILL
This’ll do.
CARLTON, a short but muscular teen, enters the room wearing a bow tie. He’s got a shotgun trained at Will.
CARLTON
How can I help you, cuz?
WILL
They call me Fresh. I’m taking over this town.
TITLES – “They Call Him Fresh”
INT. BAR – NIGHT
Will and Carlton beat down some thugs with baseball bats.
TITLES – “Tough”
NARRATOR (V.O.)
From the rough…
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Will and a beautiful woman going at it.
TITLES – “Sexy”
NARRATOR (V.O.)
…to the tumble. Fresh takes no prisoners…
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
Will is surrounded by FOUR HENCHMEN with guns.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
…as he builds his army.
EXT. STREET CORNER – DAY
Carlton kicks a dealer repeatedly while Will watches, impassive.
TITLES – “Cool”
INT. BOUTIQUE – DAY
Pricey. Lux. Will and his bow-tied sidekick shoot two well-dressed MEN in the head. A WOMAN watches in horror.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
He came to town an outsider, but became royalty.
WILL
Tell your boss I’m comin’ for him.
The woman stands still, shaking.
WILL
Go!
She runs.
TITLES – “Commanding”
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Will and Carlton have two scantily-clad women each. A pile of money fills the coffee table in front of them.
A BUTLER enters with a large silver tray. He lowers it in front of the men and we
CUT TO:
CU on two fat lines of coke. Will and Carlton lean into frame and snort it all.
TITLES – “Living Large”
NARRATOR (V.O.)
He had it all.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
DON GIOVANNI sits at a small table in front of a huge plate of pasta. BODYGUARDS flank him. Across from him sits one of his LIEUTENANTs, scrawny and nervous.
DON GIOVANNI
What the -BLEEP- do you mean they ain’t payin’ the protection money?
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Will and Carlton stand amidst bloody corpses. Girls, their henchmen, their butler.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
And then he had war.
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
Will and Carlton strap on guns and ammo, ready for war.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Will lies dying on the floor. Don Giovanni is dead, his men are all dead. Carlton scrambles over the bodies to Will’s side.
CARLTON
(Through tears)
You gonna be fine, Fresh!
WILL
I ain’t gonna make it. You gotta take my place. Carry on.
TITLES – “Maybe Just a Little Bit Gay”
CARLTON
I can’t.
WILL
You gotta.
(Coughs)
You gotta.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
When the cool fall, it’s tragedy.
TITLES – “The Prince of Bel-Air”
BLACKOUT:
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Six white dudes sit around a table in a manly, meat-oriented restaurant. Glasses of beer sit at various levels of fullness in front of each man, a half-full pitcher in the center of the table.
KEN
That was great, guys. Thanks.
DAVE
It’s not over yet.
KEN
You mean?
PETER
Oh yeah!
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
KEN sits blindfolded on a straight-backed chair in the middle of the room. The other five men sit facing Ken in a rough circle.
KEN
Guys, this is awesome. Thanks.
MICHAEL
You deserve it.
A CLOWN walks into the room holding a seltzer bottle in one hand and a cream pie in the other.
KEN
Is she here yet?
RA
She?
The clown sprays Ken in the face. He removes his blindfold and immediately gets a pie in the kisser.
KEN, DAVE, PETER, MICHAEL, RA, DAVID W.
Happy Birthday!
KEN
You guys!
The clown pulls another cream pie from behind his back and puts it square in Kens face.
BLACKOUT:
Well frak if that wasn’t a hell of a war this week! To all the new visitors to Sketch War, welcome again. What you saw this week was a pretty good example of what we do around here every week, with a few minor modifications. We hope you enjoyed the sketches, and if you haven’t had a chance to read them all, here’s your chance. A record six warriors entered the arena this week swinging their +2 Maces of Mirth and Slashing with +4 Swords of Silliness.
A variety of styles and approaches were on display this week. There’s something in there for everyone. Take a look and be sure to leave comments letting the brawlers know what you thought, good or ill.
Next week we’re going to roll our a series of sketches based on the theme: Pimp my TV. Here’s a link to the contest that inspired it.
If you think you’ve got the comedy chops to do battle with our scarred
and bitter warriors, if you dare step into the hailstorm of seltzer and
cream pies, if you think you’re MAN ENOUGH to make us laugh, write a
sketch and contact us at sketchwar(nospam)@dreamloom.com.
My advertising sketch is yet another example of an interesting premise in need of editing. I seem to be producing a lot of these lately. It’s a simple blackout, but I dragged it out by inserting the second scene in 1992. I think it’s necessary for internal narrative cohesiveness, but lessens the overall impact. Way too much time passes from setup to finish.
Then I made matters worse because I didn’t trust the blackout.
The second scene could probably have been a two- or three-liner, but I wanted to include the little “soften the ground” joke. It’s not a big laugh, good at best for a chuckle in retrospect after the final joke falls, and clearly unnecessary.
Worse is the first scene. As I was writing the sketch I tried dealing with the tension between getting to the end fast and actually making the sketch *funny*. One joke sketches scare me. If the joke’s not funny enough, they’re complete failures. So I stuffed in the Don/Darren/Rock jokes, of which I hope everyone got at least two (and a gold star to anyone who got all three,) hoping to ensure at least a couple of chuckles. But of course that delays the time to blackout more, so it’s probably a net humor loss. Also, they should have hit quicker with a ba-ba-boom, boom, boom pattern. Oh yeah, and I *hated* the whole “crow kept tapping” crap but couldn’t think of a better way of implying Darren had been transformed. Ugh.
And of course, the biggest worry is that the big joke didn’t actually land. Y’all got that Gareth’s dad wanted to “sell ice to an Eskimo”, right?
INT. OFFICE – DAY
TITLE – Mitchell-Bell, Inc. New York 1962
GARETH MACLAREN (early 30s, wan with thinning hair) sits opposite BARRY NEWCOMB (a late 20s go-getter with moviestar looks). Hair and suit styles are appropriate to the mid-1960s. Whenever he’s not speaking, Barry peers intently, like a detective divining motive.
BARRY
We’re not the first agency you approached, are we Mr. MacLaren?
GARETH
No. No, I’ve been all over town. Spent an hour at Sterling-Cooper while their Creative Director waxed eloquent about something or another.
BARRY
Draper’s very good.
GARETH
He certainly seemed to think so.
(Beat)
Took a meeting at McMann and Tate, but the copywriter never showed up. Sat in a board room with Tate while a crow kept tapping on the window like it wanted to come in and pitch. Very awkward.
(Beat)
I even met with Rock Hunter.
BARRY
He’s become quite successful.
GARETH
Seems to have spoiled him.
BARRY
Well you certainly have a sticky problem, Mr. MacLaren. But I’m not clear why you think there’s money in it.
GARETH
My father believed there was. He came to America with the clothes on his back and spent the rest of his life building a company by anticipating what the public wanted before they knew they wanted it. Before he died, he told me this was the one goal he never achieved.
(Beat)
I think I owe it to my father, for all he sacrificed and all he accomplished, to do this for him. Can you help?
BARRY
There’s no ad campaign we can create that can help you.
GARETH
So you can’t help me either.
BARRY
I didn’t say that, Mr. MacLaren. I’m facing facts. No one else in town came up with anything either because, forgive me, the idea is just crazy.
GARETH
Maybe it is. But I’ve got to try. You won’t help?
Barry ponders a moment.
BARRY
You said your father knew what people wanted before they did, right?
GARETH
Yes.
BARRY
Then maybe this is an R&D problem, not an advertising problem. At least not an advertising problem for today.
GARETH
I see where you’re going.
BARRY
You see Mr. MacLaren, Mitchell-Bell is part of a much larger concern–
INT. OFFICE – DAY
TITLE – Mitchell-Bell, Inc. New York 1992
Barry and Gareth are joined by MELINDA RESTON (20s and casually dressed) in his updated office. Barry looks even more dashing with silver hair. Gareth is wiry and fit with a few wisps of gray hair all that remains. The two older men wear suits.
BARRY
Just skip to the bottom line, Melinda. How close are we.
MELINDA
At least another 30 years.
BARRY
That can’t be! We’ve been running non-stop since ’62.
GARETH
Barry, that’s what my people are saying as well. I’ve just accepted that it’s a bigger problem than we realized and I may not live to see the day.
BARRY
Melinda, is there anything we can do?
MELINDA
I think so. We’ve been seeing a lot of success with the campaigns on the new Hummers. We think maybe pushing in that direction might help. We can spur the public to embrace a whole new class of what we’re calling Sport Utility Vehicles.
BARRY
How much will that help?
MELINDA
We think we can soften the ground considerably. Maybe cut the total time in half.
BARRY
That’ll have to do.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
TITLE – Mitchell-Bell, Inc. New York 2010
Barry and Gareth are still plugging away. Barry’s aging like Paul Newman, Gareth like Abe Vigoda. The lights are dim and the room is filled with young men and women in casual attire. The light of a monitor flickers on everyone’s face.
From the speakers, the recognizable CLINK, CLINK of two ice cubes being dropped in a glass followed by the fizzy sound of a carbonated beverage being poured.
Zoom in on TELEVISION showing ad.
INT. BAR – NIGHT
ICE CUBES land in glass. Cola is poured into the glass.
NARRATOR (O.S.)
Mmm. Cool, fresh, invigorating. Nothing refreshes like MacLarens.
The glass sits on a black velvet tabletop. Nothing is visible beyond the glass. The ice cubes glint as they bob in the sparkling amber fluid.
NARRATOR (O.S.) (CONT’D)
MacLarens Ice. Now available in Alaska.
Zoom out to reveal…
EXT. STREET – TWILIGHT
The television is in the window of a small electronics store. The sign above reads NANOOK’S TV AND RADIO. An ESKIMO stands in front of the window watching. He wears shorts, t-shirt, and flip-flops. As the commercial ends, he turns and we see a SINGLE TEAR run down his face.
BLACKOUT: