Sketch War

Tag: sketch war

  • FSW: 2008 NFL Combine

    (Scott Van Pelt and Mel Kiper stand in a broadcast booth at an arena. Graphics read “2008 NFL COMBINE”.)

    SCOTT
    Welcome back. I’m joined now in the booth by Mel Kiper. Mel, what are your thoughts on the first three days of competition?

    MEL
    Scott, this has been a great combine. It’s been an especially strong year for the skill positions, with quarterbacks and receivers performing particularly well. We’re still waiting on the official scores on the Wonderlic, but early reports show none of the surprises we’ve had in years past. Today we’ll be seeing defensive linemen and defensive backs and I know a lot of GMs are anxious to see how they do.

    SCOTT
    It looks like we’ve already got our first defensive back warming up down on the course now. It’s Darren McKnight out of Purdue. Mel, what can you tell us about Darren?

    (Down on the field, we see that an obstacle course has been set up. There’s a large seesaw, a series of jumps, a long line of slalom poles, a curved tunnel. A layout familiar to anyone who has ever seen dog agility trials.)

    MEL (O.S.)
    Darren’s a smaller d-back, but he’s quick and agile and can run all day. You really love watching guys like this, the way they just jump around, always excited and happy to please.

    (Darren and a middle-aged woman are at the starting line. Darren is hopping around like a Jack Russell and the woman holds out a piece of bacon for him.)

    MEL (O.S.)
    Darren’s handler is his mother and agent, Myrtle McKnight. She’s an experienced handler, having managed both of Darren’s older brothers at the combine in year’s past. Vince is a wide receiver for the Cardinals, and Trey is a punter and backup QB up in Buffalo. She knows what she’s doing out there, and as long as she can keep Darren’s attention, he’ll do great.

    (A gun sounds and Darren starts running the course. Myrtle guides him through it.)

    SCOTT (O.S.)
    He’s going great out there. Looks like a real pro, doesn’t he?

    MEL (O.S.)
    He sure does, Scott. Myrtle’s giving him just enough freedom to really fly, but still keeping him focused. Look how she’s always one step ahead of Darren so he knows where to go next.

    (Darren overshoots the entrance to the slalom poles and Myrtle has to get him back to restart them.)

    MEL (O.S.)
    Oh no! That’s a five second penalty! He’s going to have to really work hard to make up that loss.

    (Darren finishes the course and jumps into his mother’s arms and kisses her.)

    SCOTT (O.S.)
    That really was a shame, wasn’t it. Looked like he had a shot at the course record.

    MEL (O.S.)
    He sure did, Scott, but I think his time will still put him in the top three for his position.

    SCOTT (O.S.)
    Let’s go down to Erin Andrews on the field and see what the competitors have to say.

    (Sideline reporter and Internet sensation Erin Andrews stands by Myrtle and Darren. Darren jumps out of his mother’s arms and hops around, still excited from his run.)

    ERIN
    Myrtle, can you tell us what happened out there?

    (Darren gets down on all fours and starts to sniff Erin’s crotch.)

    ERIN
    Oh my! That’s a good boy. Okay! That’s enough, now. Down, big fella!

    MYRTLE
    Darren! Mind your manners, boy!

    (Darren stops sniffing and sits by Myrtle.)

    MYRTLE
    Sorry, Erin. He gets a little excited sometimes.

    (Erin, excited herself, fans herself.)

    ERIN
    That’s alright, Myrtle. He’s a cutie pie. Aren’t you, Darren? Such a good boy.

    (Back to the booth.)

    SCOTT
    Okay. We’ll come back to Erin in a bit. Up next, wide receivers jump off a pier to retrieve a stick.

    BLACKOUT

  • We Strike at Dawn!

    Is your sketch ready? You know you’ve been checking out Friday Sketch War the last couple of weeks thinking “I could do that. Hell, I could do better than that.” Well, put your pencil where your mouth is and fire off a sketch. Post a link and join the melee.

    You can find more information here.

    You can read past sketches here, here and here.

  • Friday Night Sketch War: Round Three

    On the killing floor, before the assembled masses the gladiators prepare for battle…

    Will no one join our bloody conflict? Are your livers lillied and aspects yellow? Until next time, we writhe in our own blood and entrails, waiting for the bold and the noble to join the fray.

  • FNSW: The Certificant

    (Scott Johnson sits at his desk. Ivo Princip enters the office, wearing a suit and carrying his resume. He crosses, shakes Scott’s hand, and sits opposite.)

    SCOTT
    Nice to meet you, Mr. Princip. I’m Scott. May I call you Ivo?

    IVO
    No.

    SCOTT
    O–kay…why don’t you tell me a little about yourself.

    IVO
    Did you not read my resume?

    SCOTT
    I did, but I was hoping maybe you could maybe elaborate, go into a little detail about some of your experience, tell me why you think you’d be a good fit for this position.

    IVO
    You are hiring for engineer, yes? I am engineer.

    SCOTT
    O–kay. Let’s start with a few questions, then. I see you’ve got your masters, that’s good. But you’ve only got one year of experience —

    IVO
    — I am certified.

    SCOTT
    What now?

    IVO
    I have MCSE, CNA, CNE, SCJP —

    SCOTT
    — That’s great, too. How about a couple of quick tech questions? Let me get a feel for your level. Can you explain polymorphism to me?

    IVO
    Polymorphism. No.

    SCOTT
    Nothing? Maybe you want to try talking through it, see if you can’t give me a few of its traits?

    IVO
    No.

    SCOTT
    Can you tell me why you would use an abstract class?

    IVO
    No.

    SCOTT
    Define inheritance?

    IVO
    Inheritance?
    …No.

    SCOTT
    Ivo —

    IVO
    — Mr. Princip.

    SCOTT
    Mr. Princip. It says here that you’re an expert in object oriented programming.

    IVO
    Object oriented programming. Yes. I am certified.

    SCOTT
    Can you define that for me?

    IVO
    Object oriented programming?

    SCOTT
    Please.

    IVO
    No.

    SCOTT
    Alright. Let’s step back a bit, then. I see here under this technology section you’ve also got Photoshop listed. You certainly wouldn’t be doing any of that here, but while I was working my way through college I actually worked in a graphics shop. So why don’t you tell me how you’d use an alpha channel?

    IVO
    Alpha channel?

    SCOTT
    Yes.

    IVO
    That is…there are channels…many of them…this is the first. It is first channel.

    SCOTT
    O–kay. Let’s jump back over to programming for a minute. Can you give me an example of a recursive algor —

    IVO
    — May I ask question first?

    SCOTT
    Sure.

    IVO
    Are you certified?

    SCOTT
    Me? No. I don’t have any certifications. It’s never come up. I really only have time for the occasional conference or seminar and haven’t had call to get certified.

    IVO
    Then how can you be expected to ask me question? Is like…is like student, asking teacher, no? I am certified, but you are not. It make no sense, yes?

    SCOTT
    Excuse me??

    IVO
    How can I…to explain, be clear, to you? You are member of team, yes? Maybe I speak with someone more senior. Your manager is certified?

    SCOTT
    I’m the team lead.

    IVO
    So, is team of junior engineer.

    SCOTT
    We get by. Well Ivo —

    IVO
    — Mr. Princip.

    SCOTT
    Mr. Princip. It’s been interesting meeting you. I wish you luck in your job search.

    (Ivo sits for a minute, then gets the hint and leaves.)

    BLACKOUT

    LIGHTS UP

    (Scott sits at his desk. The door opens and Steve Kramer enters.)

    SCOTT
    Boss. What’s up?

    STEVE
    Scott, you know you’ve been trying to get some help on the team, well, I’ve got it fixed. I just interviewed a rockstar of an engineer.

    SCOTT
    That’s great! Do you want me to talk to him?

    STEVE
    No need. Already hired him. Whipsmart, and has certifications out the ass. Hell of an engineer. Ivo Princip. You’ll be reporting to him starting Monday.

    BLACKOUT

  • Friday Sketch War

    If you’d like to get in on the fun, simply write a sketch and post a link to it. If you’d like to check out some of the battles that have already transpired you can go here. If you’d like to see a funny video about a guy flipping off a phone you can go here.

    Dave, like last week, is the first one to strike. Hilarious.

    Update: Richard’s joined the fray.

    Here is my answer to the question “How can we spur the market and turn this recession around?”

    (Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Security, is giving a press conference.)

    MICHAEL: We have received word of some rumors of possible attempts at terrorism somewhere in or around the United States. So we are raising the Terror Threat Level to Orange.

    (Members of the press call out to him. He points at one.)

    GAIL: Gail Jones, CNN. Should the American people be afraid for their lives?

    MICHAEL: We live in a nation that is under constant threat of violence from people who truly hate our guts, but the American people shouldn’t be worried.

    (More shouting, Michael points to someone else.)

    MATT: Matt Rod, NBC News, America’s News leader. Secretary Chertoff, if the people shouldn’t worry, then is there any real threat?

    MICHAEL: Oh my God, yes. These are vicious, freedom hating people who want to see all of us die a horrible, painful death. You know, they’ve infiltrated our country and are living among us, waiting for the opportunity to kill us all in our sleep. I just thank God I’ve got the Secret Service protecting me.

    (More shouting, Michael points to someone else.)

    LEE: Lee Scott, CEO of Wal-Mart. Should people stockpile food and clothing during this heightened state of panic in America?

    MICHAEL: Yes. We are recommending that all Americans stock up on bread, milk and the latest in fashion and electronic goods. We strongly urge them to purchase these items at a discount chain store with everyday low prices.

    (The scene shifts to a resort beach. Two men are lounging in the sun.)

    ZANJI: Ahmed, what are we doing at this resort? I thought as a terrorist I would be getting to create more terror than this.

    AHMED: Relax Zanji. Chill out. There really is not much for us to be doing anymore.

    ZANJI: But how can we call ourselves terrorists if we do not terrorize anyone?

    AHMED: The world has changed, my friend, and we have to change with it. The infidels are so busy trying to scare their own people that we can take it easy for a while.

    ZANJI: And you like it this way?

    AHMED: Are you kidding me? I love it! Come on, let us go inside. We will order a couple of coconut mimosas, play some blackjack and pay an expensive call girl to run around in a burka.

    (Brickabrac enters, very excited)

    BRICKABRAC: Ahmed! Zanji!

    AHMED: What is it Brickabrac?

    ZANJI: Are we to blow up this infidel sin palace?

    BRICKABRAC: No, I have a massage scheduled at 3 o’clock.

    ZANJI: Then what?

    BRICKABRAC: I just called our accountant and the stock portfolio has tripled!

    AHMED: Praise Allah!

    BRICKABRAC: You were right, Ahmed, Exxon/Mobile is having a fantastic year.

    AHMED: (Sarcastic) Gee, I wonder why?

    (They all begin laughing. The scene shifts back to the press conference.)

    BETTY: Secretary Chertoff, what are we doing to protect our oil reserves?

    MICHAEL: Instead of wasting man power on oil fields that are located in a hot, hostile environment, we are preparing a preemptive invasion of The Soviet Union to take theirs.

    BETTY: Why would we do that?

    MICHAEL: To protect the American way of life and bring democracy and Jesus to all heathen people. Besides, it’s something the boys at the Pentagon have been wanting to do for quite a while.

    BETTY: But it’s not even called The Soviet Union anymore.

    MICHAEL: Shh. Don’t let the boys in the Pentagon hear you say that.

    GINNY: Secretary Chertoff, were there any specific targets named in the unspecified threats?

    MICHAEL: We know that these hate-mongering people hate us, our freedom and our lifestyle. That is why we think that their next attack will strike the very heart of all we hold dear.

    BRAD: Our children?

    GAIL: Hollywood?

    MICHAEL: McDonald’s.

    (Everyone gasps.)

    BRAD: Should people stop going there?

    MICHAEL: No. That would be playing right into their hand. If our children can’t have saturated fat and cheap plastic toys served to them by an underpaid teenager in a paper hat then the terrorists have truly won. I implore all Americans to eat at McDonald’s morning, noon and night as a sign of defiance to these men of terror.

    (The scene shifts back to Ahmed, Zanji and Brickabrac who are looking at a newspaper.)

    BRICKABRAC: (Pointing at something in the paper) There! There it is!

    AHMED: McDonald’s is up 35%!

    ZANJI: Praise Allah!

    (The scene shifts back to the press conference.)

    GAIL: Have there been any threats to disrupt the elections in November?

    MICHAEL: All elections have been postponed indefinitely. His Eminence, Premier Bush, feels that since he was President when all this began, he should remain in power until it is over.

    GAIL: And when will all this be over?

    MICHAEL: Until evil is obliderated from the face of the Earth or until the Bush bloodline ends. Which ever comes first.

    (The scene shifts back to Ahmed, Zanji and Brickabrac. Brickabrac and Ahmed are on the phone talking to different people.)

    BRICKABRAC: (On phone. Very menacing.) Yes, I would like to report a terrorist threat…Not just to this one Coca-Cola plant but to all Coca-Cola plants worldwide.

    (He hangs up the phone.)

    AHMED: (On phone.) That’s right, Jerry, I want you to buy as much Coca-Cola stock as you can. I have a good feeling about it.

    (He hangs up)

    ZANJI: (Sipping a cocktail) Ahmed, I am sorry that I doubted you.

    AHMED: Zanji, my friend, if there is one thing I have learned from studying our enemys in Washington, it is that they hate their people way more than we do. Now, who wants to go to Disneyland?

    (The men all cheer and high five each other.)

    BLACKOUT

  • Sketch War Recap

    Richard’s got the final numbers on today’s sketch war. It might not have been WW III, but we gave ’em hell.

    For those of you standing on the sidelines, shaking in your boots; tuck in your skirts and get in the fight.

    For those of you who battled, bled and lived to tell the tale, I tip my hat to you and say “Nice work. You are worthy adversaries whom I look forward to disemboweling next week.”

  • Friday Night Sketch War

    The stage was set, the battle begun…

    This week, three entered the fray. Last week’s border skirmish has now turned into full-scale combat. How many will do battle next week?

  • FNSW: 62nd Annual Moriarty Awards

    (Dancers finish up what must have been a large and elaborate number as lights dim, music stops, and applause is heard. A curtain closes and Billy Crystal walks to the center of the stage.)

    BILLY
    Wasn’t that great? I’ve been informed that no animals were killed during the performance of that dance, but two senator’s daughters and the ambassador from Uruguay all sank another two inches in Ernst Blofeld’s quicksand trap!

    To present our next award, here is last year’s winner of Villainess of the Year and this year’s winner for Best Robotic Attack on a City: Population 1 Million or More – Poison Ivy and Dr. Victor Von Doom.

    (Doom and Ivy enter and walk to a podium stage right.)

    IVY
    Victor and I don’t strike fear in people’s hearts all on our own–

    DOOM
    –I do.

    IVY
    –and you wouldn’t be able to enjoy your favorite megalomaniac–

    DOOM
    –Doom.

    IVY
    –striding down the street ahead an army of zombie cyborgs without the help of thousands of people.

    DOOM
    It takes dozens of scientists, engineers, and technicians just to maintain the fusion reactors, floating fortresses, and giant lasers used for burning names on the surface of the moon.

    IVY
    Not to mention the costume designers, bio-engineers, sentient killer squid, and henchmen who make all the best plans come to life. They make us look good. Earlier this week in a separate ceremony, those folks got together for their awards presentations.

    (Roll video of Henchmen Banquet. Henchman is standing at podium, clutching a Moriarty tightly.)

    HENCHMAN
    …like to thank my mother, for never being there for me. My first parole officer, for believing I’d never be a contributing member of society, and…

    (BOOM! The brick wall behind the stage explodes, revealing Superman. Mass pandemonium as all the henchmen try to flee.)

    DOOM
    HAHAHA! Maybe next year they’ll make it all the way through that ceremony.

    (Music swells and Ivy and Doom walk off the stage. Billy reenters from stage left.)

    BILLY
    (Doing his Fernando Lamas impersonation) Doom, Dahling. Enough with the mask already. Take it off. I can tell, underneath, you look mahvelous. And that Ivy. I’d like to dig around her roots. Have you seen the stems on that one?

    (Back to normal voice) It’s not often I’m awed in someone’s presence. Jack Benny, George Burns, Bob Hope, and this next man. What can I say about this next presenter that won’t get me killed in a giant thresher? He’s a level-nine intelligence, a snappy dresser, and an absolute lady-killer. I mean that. He kills ladies. Literally. Ladies and Gentleman, Lex Luthor.

    (Lex enters to a hearty round of applause, waving and smiling.)

    LEX
    Thank you, thank you. Thanks for that welcome, everyone. Although I shouldn’t be surprised by it. After all, I do have satellites targeting all your loved ones!

    (Polite laughter.)

    LEX (CONT’D)
    And by loved ones, I of course mean you!

    (Raucous laughter.)

    LEX (CONT’D)
    But you’re not here to listen to me joke, or to tremble in fear at my presence – though tremble you should – it’s time for the big prize of the night. The Moriarty for the Evil Plan of the Year. The nominees are: Dr. No for his plan to replace the world’s oil supply with sea water, foiled by James Bond; El Seed for his plan to release genetically modified corn that can grow on asphalt, foiled by The Tick; The Joker for his plan to poison Gotham City’s drinking supply, foiled when he abandoned the plan midway through out of boredom; Kingpin for creating an army of evil hybrid Spiderman-Daredevil clones to take over New York; and Heat Miser for trying to melt out Christmas…again!

    (Fumbles with envelope, gets out card. He squints a few times but can’t make it out, so he puts a pair of granny glasses at the end of his nose.)

    LEX (CONT’D)
    No!

    (Dr. No starts to get up in the audience.)

    LEX (CONT’D)
    Sit down, Julius. I didn’t call your name. The winner is Kingpin, for creating an army of evil hybrid Spiderman-Daredevil clones!

    (As Kingpin rises and waves at the applauding crowd, alarms start ringing and lights start flashing.)

    LEX (CONT’D)
    To the escape pods!

    (Billy comes back to the podium as everyone runs away in the chaos.)

    BILLY
    See you next year, folks!

  • Friday Sketch War

    I wrote a sketch and posted it. Richard did the same and challenged me to a Sketch War. This will, hopefully, be an ongoing exercise, which you are free to join us in. Simply write a sketch and post it on your blog every Friday. Be sure to let me or Richard know about it and we’ll post links to it. I haven’t seen one from Richard yet, but he’s in a different time zone, so I’m just assuming he’s still in bed. But Dave, the early bird, has already lobbed the first sketch grenade of the day and it’s pretty damn funny.

    Update: Richard has launched an assault. (Not to be confused with an insult.)

    But enough chit-chat! Once more unto the breech dear friends!

    “A Dream Upon Waking”

    (Mary #1 stands in the middle of the stage wearing a surgical gown. Dr. Peter enters with a chart.)

    MARY #1: Give it to me straight, doc. I’m dying aren’t I?

    PETER: No no no. But I am going to need you to tell me why your father loved your sister more than you.

    MARY: Well, I suppose, I wasn’t enough of a tomboy for him.

    PETER: Oh Mary, this isn’t good. It isn’t good at all.

    (Jerry races in and shakes Mary.)

    JERRY: Mary, wake up! You’re dreaming.

    (Jerry races off.)

    PETER: Now, Mary I’m just going to take off my pants and we’ll continue the examination.

    (Peter begins unbuckling his pants. The lights shift to another part of the stage and Mary #2 is sitting at table having coffee with Denise.)

    MARY #2: And then I woke up.

    DENISE: A doctor, with no pants, talking about your father? Sounds like a perverted sex dream to me.

    MARY #2: Everything is sex to you.

    DENISE: That’s because I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body.

    MARY #2: You’re a lesbian?

    DENISE: No. I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body.

    (Jerry races in and shakes Mary #2)

    JERRY: Mary, wake up! Wake up!

    (Jerry runs off. Denise removes her wig and begins to unbuckle her pants.)

    DENISE: Now you tell me if you’ve ever seen a unit this big in the girl’s locker room before.

    (The lights shift to another part of the stage and Mary #3 is talking to Chip in the office break room.)

    MARY #3: And it was me, but it wasn’t me, you know?

    CHIP: I hate dreams like that.

    (Jerry races in.)

    JERRY: Seriously Mary, Wake Up!

    (Jerry races off. Dr. Peter enters without his pants.)

    PETER: Ah, there you are. If you would kindly bend over that table we can continue with the examination.

    (The lights shift to another part of the stage. Mary #1, Mary #2 and Mary #3 are standing next to each other.)

    MARY #3: This can’t be good.

    MARY #2: I wouldn’t think so.

    MARY #1: You guys want to make out?

    (The three Marys look at one another. They shrug their shoulders.)

    MARY #2/MARY #3: Sure.

    (The lights go out on stage and single spot comes up on Jerry sitting in the audience. He awakens with a start and looks around at everyone looking at him.)

    JERRY: Damn it. You always wake up before the best part.

    (Dr. Peter, still pantless, appears behind Jerry.)

    PETER: All righty then. If you’ll just bend over we can continue the examination.

    BLACKOUT

  • Not Joking Around

    Seriously, Sketch War ’08 has begun. If you wanna be part of the surge then post a sketch this Friday. Then send a link to sketchwar (at) dreamloom (dot) com. Richard and I will post links and everyone can attack everyone else.

    Okay, maybe not attack. But “offer encouragement and support” just doesn’t sound bad-ass enough.