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Action Movie One-Liners Don’t Work In Real Life
(Wesley Snipes talks on an airplane phone to hijacker and terrorist mastermind Charles Rane.) In “Passenger 57” SNIPESYou ever play roulette? RANEOn occasion. SNIPESWell let me give you a word of advice: always bet on black. In Real Life SNIPESYou ever play roulette? (pause) RANEDo I what? SNIPESEver play roulette. RANEWhy? SNIPESJust answer the question.…
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Keith Olbermann Addresses the Guy Who Sat Behind Him at the Movie Theatre
Finally, as promised, a special comment for the guy sitting behind me at the 9:15 showing of “Iron Man” last night. I don’t assume for a moment that you are familiar with Ralph Waldo Emerson, sir, but there may be something for you to learn in his aphorism, “Life is not so short but that…
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What Happens in Degas, Stays in Degas
(A WOMAN and MAN sit sullenly in a Paris café in 1876. The woman stares ahead drunkenly, a glass of absinthe on the table in front of her. The man smokes a pipe and stares offstage. They sit next to each other but don’t acknowledge each other. They are silent for several moments.) (Enter MARK…
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Shadows on the Cave Wall
(RICK and STEVE in the front of a car. RICK is driving. STEVE is in the passenger’s seat.) (RICK suddenly swerves, then honks his horn.) RICKLook at this jackass. STEVEWhat a moron. RICK (yelling out window)Jackass!(pause)Sometimes I think everyone except me is an idiot. (pause) STEVEAm I an idiot? RICKWell, let’s approach this Socratically. Are…
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Las Vegas Itasca
(An architectural planning meeting in Vegas. WENTWORTH, BRAD, and GEORGE stand around a table. On the wall is a placard: Wentworth Casinos, Las Vegas, NV. Out the window is a view of the Strip.) WENTWORTHWho’s next? BRADWe’ve got Kirk Luberda. Bright young architecture student from the Midwest. GEORGE (skeptically)Ah. What do you think he’ll try…
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Toodle-oo, Tuvalu
(An expanse of water, extending all the way to the horizon. Eventually, a ROWBOAT appears and drifts to center stage. DONALD, 50, is rowing. His son JASON, 18, is engrossed in a handheld holographic videogame. It is 2050.) DONALD (looking around)My gosh, this brings me back.(turns upstage, looks into the distance)Wow.(he looks to JASON)When I…
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Bookworms
(A public library at night. JOYCE is a librarian, bespectacled, primly dressed, her hair in a bun. She is closing up for the night, saying “goodbye” to the final patrons and locking the door behind them. She turns off the overhead fluorescent lights and heads back to the counter. She stretches, exhausted.) (Suddenly, she leaps…
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Fuck Leonardo DiCaprio
(JUSTIN and CRAIG, two twentysomethings, are sitting on a couch in their shared apartment. JUSTIN is reading a People magazine, and CRAIG is operating a video game controller.) JUSTIN (looking up from his magazine)Fuck Leonardo DiCaprio. CRAIGWhat? JUSTINOh, it’s just… he’s “romantically linked with Israeli supermodel Bar Refaeli.” CRAIGThere are Israeli supermodels? JUSTINAnd before that…
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I’m Lucky To Have Met Nathaniel
(JULIA and ALEX sit at a table in a coffee shop. JULIA is holding ALEX’s hand.) JULIAYou know what? I want you to know that you’ve meant a lot to me during the time we’ve spent together, and that whatever our differences, and whatever needs we’re no longer able to fill for each other, you’ll…
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The Wine Tasting
(A wine SALES REP stands behind a table, impassive, bored. On the table are several different bottles of wine. Enter a young WOMAN carrying a plastic wineglass. The SALES REP slips into sales mode.) SALES REPGood evening. WOMANGood evening! What do you have here? SALES REPThese are the wines of Chile and Argentina. WOMANOh, that…