Sketch War

Tag: humor

  • FSW: Blind Date

    Please forgive me ahead of time for a boring sketch. I’ve had a rough week and didn’t get to this until an hour ago. It’s not good. Seriously. Sorry.

    Blind Date
    (Meredith sits at a small table in a stylish bistro with a glass of wine. She is fashionably dressed. She frequently raises her eyes from a copy of “All the Pretty Horses” to glance about. Liam enters, carrying a copy of “No Country for Old Men” under his arm. He wears dirty jeans and a sweatshirt. His hair and beard are long and unkempt. He looks around, spots Meredith, and crosses to her table.)

    LIAM
    Meredith?

    MEREDITH
    (Looking up) Yes?

    (Liam indicates his book and then points to Meredith’s. She invites him to sit down.)

    It’s nice to meet you finally, Liam. Would you like a drink?

    LIAM
    A beer would be great.

    (Meredith waves at a waiter who comes over.)

    MEREDITH
    A beer for my friend, and another glass of chablis for me, please.

    (The waiter goes off to fill the order.)

    Did you find the place okay?

    LIAM
    Yeah, once I realized it was near The Y, I knew I’d been here before.

    MEREDITH
    Oh? Do you workout at the Y?

    LIAM
    I live there.

    MEREDITH
    Oh. What do you do?

    LIAM
    Odd jobs. I used sweep out the back alley at this place for their day-old bread. But the new manager is a prick. He’d rather throw it out than give it away.

    MEREDITH
    I didn’t realize. Well…

    (The waiter appears with their drinks. Meredith finishes hers off in one swallow, points to the glass, and holds up two fingers to the waiter.)

    LIAM
    I loved what you said about “The Road” on the forum. That was the best analysis I’ve ever seen of McCarthy’s lyrical descriptions of the wasteland.

    MEREDITH
    Thank you. That’s very sweet. Especially considering what you had to say about “All the Pretty Horses”. I’m re-reading it now, and it’s not the same book to me at all after what you said.

    LIAM
    Thanks.

    (There’s an uncomfortably long pause in conversation. Liam finishes his beer. Both try to say something and stop themselves. The waiter arrives with another beer and two glasses of wine. He sets them down and Meredith and Liam both take long drinks.)

    MEREDITH
    Keep them coming, would you?

    So, you have a computer at The Y?

    LIAM
    No. I use the one at the public library. I like it there, especially during the summer. They don’t like us in The Y during the day, so I’ve gotta find someplace cool.

    So what’s a woman like you doing looking for men online? You must be beating them back with a stick.

    MEREDITH
    Hardly! I’ve tried everything. Match.com, eHarmony, JDate —

    LIAM
    — Oh, you’re Jewish?

    MEREDITH
    No. But all the dates I went on were terrible. All the men were idiots. One of them thought the Coens had written “No Country for Old Men”!

    LIAM
    You’re kidding!

    MEREDITH
    I’m serious.

    (The waiter returns with yet more alcohol and takes away the empties.)

    BLACKOUT

    LIGHTS UP

    (Meredith and Liam have been at the table a while and are clearly well lubricated. She’s moved to the seat next to Liam and is cozying up to him.)

    MEREDITH
    You want to get out of here?

    LIAM
    Sure. Your place or mine?

    MEREDITH
    Mine.

    (As Meredith picks up her bag, its contents spill onto the floor. Amidst the brush, mascara, compact, and wallet is a copy of “A Million Little Pieces”. Liam picks it up and turns it over in his hands. He hands it back to Meredith who looks ashamed.)

    LIAM
    Actually, I’m feeling a little tired. I think I’m just going to head back to The Y. Thanks for the drinks.

    MEREDITH
    No, Liam, wait. I can explain!

    LIAM
    No. I don’t think you can.

    BLACKOUT

  • Friday Night Sketch War: Round Twelve

    After last week’s light battle, the warriors return with vengeance on their minds and blood on their hands. Three great armies amassed to vie for contested land. Who would prevail? Would any survive? Would any live to sing songs of the clash?

    • Coyote led the charge atop a mighty warhorse, leading a terrible horde of hideous, slavering beasts hungry for flesh…
    • Michael and his battalion of silent assassins crept behind their enemies and swung heavy iron implements…
    • David used guile and deception to enter the field, then used explosives to finish the job.

    A mindless eating machine, a wordless display, and architectural genius are on display this week.

  • FSW: Rachel Ray, $40 a Day

    For the whiny little bitches – you know who you are – who are going to read this and say “you’ve never been with a real woman…you wouldn’t know what to do…curves…hawt…” whatever. Rachel Ray’s genetics are showing through. She’s going to be a fat old Italian woman someday. Facts are facts. So what? I’m a fat dude, so imagine it’s me dressed in drag for this sketch.

    Also, I found a *great* parody sketch of RR when I was putting this together this evening. I needed to get the patter she uses to start off her show, so I went to YouTube. No luck finding a real opening to $40 a Day, but I did find this MadTV sketch. I stole the opening two sentences which sounded exactly the way I recall RR’s opening. It feels weird to crib from another sketch instead of directly from the horse’s mouth (yeah, I meant to say horse,) but you gotta do what you gotta do. Anyway, that’s a great sketch which I recommend watching almost as much as I recommend reading mine.

    Rachel Ray, $40 a Day

    (Various shots of Rachel Ray – played by a fat man in a wig – in action, eating, eating some more, and eating still more. Opening graphics and music over. The credits end and we settle on our Rachel mid-screen wearing short-shorts and a bikini top with a sheer wrap over. The clothes look like they fit 30 pounds earlier. Or, perhaps when she still looked like a woman instead of a fat man in a wig.)

    RACHEL
    Hi everybody, I’m Rachel Ray! And this is ‘$40 a Day’, the show where I travel to exotic locales and show you how to have great meals for little money. Today we’re in one of my favorite places…Miami Beach! The great thing about Miami Beach is how relaxed everyone is.

    (Camera pans around to show strollers, rollerbladers, lots of people in beach attire. As the camera pans back to Rachel, we see some people staring and pointing in disgust.)

    RACHEL (CONT)
    I’m starving, so let’s go get some breakfast!

    (Rachel waddles a few steps and stops in front of a restaurant. She leans over and puts her hand on the door frame to brace herself. She’s winded. There’s a chalkboard with specials right next to the door.)

    RACHEL (CONT)
    (Winded) This place, (looking around for the name) Miguel’s, is a favorite with the locals, I’m sure. And these specials sound yum-o!

    (Cut to Rachel sitting at a table with a menu and a cocktail in front of her. The cocktail is huge, fruity, and has an umbrella. But she’s eaten the fruit, tossed aside the umbrella, and already drunk half of it. A waiter approaches.)

    WAITER
    Have you decided what you’d like?

    RACHEL
    Everything sounds so good…french toast, eggs benedict, machaca and eggs, oooh…fried plantains – delish! Okay, I’ll have that.

    WAITER
    A side of fried plantains? Is that all?

    RACHEL
    Nooo. French toast, eggs benedict, machaca and eggs, AND the fried plantains. And (finishing her drink in one mighty gulp) this bitch is kicked. Bring me another of these.

    (The waiter walks off fearfully as Rachel turns to the camera.)

    RACHEL (CONT)
    When you’re traveling, you really want to find the unique little places that make a city special. Miami Beach is a melting pot of different cultures, and the Cuban influence is felt everywhere. Like in this drink.

    (Waiter returns with two other waiters, all carrying loaded trays with Rachel’s breakfast. They set the mass of food in front of her and she starts eating before the last plate is even in place. The second and third waiters hurry off. Most of the food ends up in her mouth, but there is a certain amount of spillover.)

    WAITER
    Can I bring you anything else? Some water, or another napkin perhaps?

    RACHEL
    (Speaking through food) No, I’m good for now. Thanks.

    (Cut to the end of the meal. The plates are cleared, the food is gone. Two empty glasses are on the table, a third in Rachel’s hand as she finishes off with a loud ‘slurp’ with the straw. As she puts the glass down, she notices a piece of bacon lodged between her breasts. She picks it out and eats it. The waiter returns with the check.)

    RACHEL
    Let’s see how I did.

    (Graphics of a check being tallied. The pre-tip total comes to $28 for food and $11 for drinks. Her tip of $1 brings her to a total of $40.)

    RACHEL (CONT)
    Oops! It looks like we’ve used up our whole budget for the day on breakfast. But that’s okay, there’s plenty for us to do here in good old Miami Beach, and who knows, maybe we’ll figure out a way to squeeze lunch and dinner out of this day, anyway.

    (Cut to Rachel waddling down the street away from the restaurant. Shouting is heard in the background and the camera pans around to see the waiter standing outside, waving the dollar tip.)

    WAITER
    I think you left this on the table, you cheap bleep.

    RACHEL
    Come on, I think we should get out of here. Right now! (Starts running, because fat guys in drag are funny when they run.)

    (Cut to Rachel splashing around in the ocean. People are staring.
    Cut to Rachel sitting on a bench. She’s changed into a slightly less revealing, but equally inappropriate outfit, this time with a short skirt.)

    RACHEL (CONT)
    Oh boy! I’m famished! In the summertime when I was a kid, I’d go swimming at the lake near my Grandpa Manny’s. And when I got out of the water, he’d always have a steaming bowl of soup and a sammie waiting for me. So now whenever I swim, I crave soup and a sammie. I’ve gotta figure out a way…

    (An older, well-dressed man walks by.)

    RACHEL (CONT)
    Excuse me sir, have you got a second?

    MAN
    Sure. Hey, you’re that Rachel Ray! My wife – rest her soul – used to watch your show all the time.

    RACHEL
    (Getting an idea) Your wife passed away. That’s so sad. I’m sorry for your loss. I’ll bet you’ve been really lonely…

    MAN
    Excuse me?

    (The fat-man-in-a-wig Rachel starts aggressively flirting – sucking his fingers, touching his chest, pulling his skirt up to reveal more leg.)

    RACHEL
    I mean, since your wife’s been gone. You have needs. I do too. I want soup. And I know what you want. Come on back to my hotel. I promise we’ll be done in thirty minutes or less.

    (The man runs away.)

    RACHEL (CONT)
    (Calling out in the distance) How ’bout you, sweet cheeks!?

    (Cut to later. Rachel is still sitting on the bench, crying.)

    RACHEL (CONT)
    (Through the tears) I just can’t take it anymore. My husband’s cheating on me, Oprah won’t return my calls, and I just want a bowl of soup and a sammie.

    (Cut to Rachel crawling through a garbage dumpster, looking for food.)

    RACHEL (CONT)
    When you’re on vacation, remember to take in the local color and customs. I hear that Miami Beach is famous for dumpster diving to find free food…

    (Cut to Rachel standing on the sidewalk. It’s night time. She looks like a girl who’s been rejected for sex and eaten dumpster food.)

    RACHEL (CONT)
    I’m Rachel Ray and I’ll see you next time on $40 a Day. (To child walking by with ice cream cone) Hey. Hey, kid, I’m talking to you! Can I have a lick off that?!

    BLACKOUT

  • Friday Night Sketch War: Round Eleven

    This week was a light one. Three scouts met while surveying a potential battlefield and got into a fight with non-lethal ordinance.

    • Coyote threw wiffle balls at the others…
    • Michael blew spitballs…
    • Red sprayed foam…

    This week we’ve got Pyrotechnic Parties, Camping Trips, and Tortured Artistes.

    And if you get a chance, stop by David’s joint and wish him well finding the other half of his ass.

  • FSW: Party Planners

    Allow me to preface this sketch with a preemptive “meh”. High concept, but it really goes nowhere. Not without a multi-million dollar budget to make it all happen, at least. Hmm…

    Party Planners
    (A large number of people fill a cavernous hall, dressed formally. The lights go down, and crossing, moving spots cut through the darkness. Just off center, a man with clipboard and walkie-talkie stands ready.)

    EMCEE (O.S.)
    (Deafening) Ladies and gentleman, put your hands together and welcome Mr. and Mrs. David Fagin for their first dance as a married couple!

    MICHAEL
    (Into walkie-talkie) We’re go for pyro!

    (Flames shoot out of the top of the wedding cake. Fireworks go off in the background. The bride and groom walk through the smoke and flames to the center of the dance floor.)

    MICHAEL
    (Into walkie-talkie) Bring it home, people!

    (The fireworks display becomes more intense as Aerosmith begins to play at high volume. The newlyweds begin to dance.)

    MICHAEL
    (Into walkie-talkie) Great work, everyone. (Turning to camera) Hi. I’m Michael Bay. For years I’ve worked in Hollywood making movies and making millions. But now, I’ve decided to branch out. So if you’d like your next wedding, sweet sixteen, or Bar Mitzvah to be a real blockbuster, call Michael Bay’s Party Planners!

    (Cut to Michael in the lobby of a small office. He’s standing in front of reception, where a sexy young woman sits busily answering phones.)

    TRIXIE
    (Answering phone) Michael Bay’s Party Planners. How may I help you today?

    MICHAEL
    Here at MBPP we cater to your every need from the moment you first walk in. Take Trixie over here. Pretty easy on they eyes, right fellas? I spent months working with the best casting directors in town to trying to find the perfect mix of sex appeal and girl next door. But once Trixie walked through the door, we knew we had our receptionist. That same attention to detail is what sets MBPP parties apart. Whether you want Scarlett Johansson to jump out of your wedding cake, Sean Connery to give you away or Ben Affleck to check coats, we can deliver. Let’s meet some of the wizards who make it all happen.

    (Camera follows Michael as he walks through a door and into the warehouse-sized back of the building. Sparks are flying from someone welding in the distance, people working everywhere, and a VW Bug in the foreground. Michael walks up to Rick and Stacy who are sitting at a small table.)

    MICHAEL
    This is Stacy Lavelle. She’s in charge of pyrotechnics at MBPP. Stacy, why don’t you tell us what you’re working on here?

    STACY
    We’re making flashpots for the Rosencrantz/Guildenstern wedding. There’s going to be a lot of noise and a lot of smoke.

    MICHAEL
    Fantastic! What’s the theme?

    STACY
    Rick?

    RICK
    The bride’s father passed away recently, so we’re going to make it look like his ghost has returned to walk her down the aisle. First we’re killing all the lights, then the flashpots go off, and then we’re projecting images of him on a scrim. We’ll play a recording of his voice, as well. The bride will never expect it!

    MICHAEL
    Sounds great! I’ll let you guys get back to work.

    (To camera) As you can see, we take our jobs very seriously here at MBPP. We want to make sure your party is bigger, louder, and more exciting than any party before. Here’s Todd McElroy, our demo expert. Todd? What are you working on?

    TODD
    The finale of the Sussman Sweet 16. Chloe wants a BMW convertible and of course her father’s bought her one. But we’ve decided to bring in this new Bug instead as a joke. She’ll obviously be upset and angry, and just when her tantrum reaches its peak, our stunt driver speeds in with her BMW and shoots the Bug with this fake rocket launcher. We blow a charge under the Bug and it should flip over three times before ending upside down. Then we cue fireworks.

    MICHAEL
    That sounds awesome, Todd. You’ve been with me for a long time. How is party planning different from the movies?

    TODD
    Well, I can’t fall back on CGI so much, so it’s made me relearn some of the old ways of doing things. Otherwise, it’s about the same. I mean, movies and parties are all about the same thing, right? Bombs, crashes, and rolling fire.

    MICHAEL
    Truer words were never spoken. Thanks, Todd.

    (To camera) I hope you’ve enjoyed your behind the scenes look at Michael Bay’s Party Planners and want to choose us for your next party. At MBPP, no party is too big for us to handle, though many are too small. If you’re looking for an intimate affair with just close friends and family, try someone else. But if you want the rockin’est party ever, give us a call.

    (BLACKOUT)

  • Friday Night Sketch War: Round Ten

    Oh, the humanity!

    Three score and three days ago Michael and I brought forth on this internet a new challenge, conceived in Comedy, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created funny.

    Now we are engaged in a great comic war, testing whether that challenge, or any challenge, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that challenge might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

    But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate – we can not consecrate – we can not hallow – this web. The brave men and women, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here…

    • Red led a cavalry charge into the thickets early…
    • Coyote performed valiant but futile battlefield surgery on the wounded…
    • Michael schemed and planned and plotted and napped through it all…
    • David surveyed the great loss of life and limb from high above.

    This week we’ve got babes in naves, doctors on telly, great warriors felled by beautiful maidens, and a little man in a boat.

    If you feel my usage of this great speech for such a trivial adventure was sacrilegious, please go here to see it in its intended glory here.

  • FSW: Five for Health: Homemade Drugs

    This one’s a bit different. Most of you reading this should (hopefully) note a passing similarity to a certain television doctor and insane performer. This sketch had originally been intended as part of a C-story for a spec, but I’ve never been happy with my plans for the A-story and have put that spec on a back burner. I never wrote this bit out, but had a good chunk of it in my head and figured I might as well put it to use. Hope y’all enjoy.

    Five for Health: Homemade Drugs
    (Dr. Cyrill O’Syban stands behind a lab bench wearing a white coat and goggles. There are beakers, test tubes, and a bunsen burner on the bench.)

    CYRILL
    Hi. I’m Dr. Cyrill O’Syban. I’m a working physician with a degree from the Bangalore School of Medicine. If you’re like most people, then you’re tired of making pharmaceutical fatcats rich just to stop your headache or cure your hangover. I’m here today to show you how to make your own perfectly safe alternatives in your own kitchen or garage.

    (Cut to animated credits which play with upbeat music over. We see an animated caricature of Dr. Cyrill O’Syban in white coat performing various tasks with quick cuts and wipes from action to action:
    – taking a red-faced, sweaty patient’s temperature; the mercury thermometer explodes
    – performing the Heimlich in a restaurant on a very fat man; a huge meatball flies out of his mouth
    – using a defibrillator on a patient; he lives
    – handing a lollipop to a small girl; she smiles and shoots rainbows out her eyes
    Animated Cyrill turns to the camera.)

    ANIMATED CYRILL
    I went to medical school, so you don’t have to.

    (Cut to the real Cyrill. The final strains of the theme music finish and the titles read “FIVE FOR HEALTH WITH DR. CY”)

    CYRILL
    Nothing is more of a drag then seasonal allergies. This first home brew will cut right through that foggy head. We start with some over the counter allergy pills.

    (During the following dialog, Cyrill takes some pills out of a box and crushes them into a beaker, then with gloves and tongs he pours from a bottle into the beaker. Smoke pours out.)

    CYRILL
    Take those out of the package and crush them up into a microwave safe container. Now carefully pour some bleach in and stir. What you want to see are small crystals just starting to form.

    DIRECTOR
    Cut! Cut! What the hell…are you making crystal meth? You can’t do that on television!

    CYRILL
    No, it’s fine. It’s just for allergies. It’s perfectly safe.

    DIRECTOR
    If it’s just for allergies, why don’t you just tell them to take the allergy pills?

    CYRILL
    This is much faster acting and lasts twice as long. It’s because the anti-allergy chemicals get to the source faster when you smoke them.

    DIRECTOR
    No! Skip this one. What else have you got?

    CYRILL
    A mixture of cough syrup, tang, and goat’s milk.

    DIRECTOR
    What’s that for?

    CYRILL
    You put two drops in each eye and you can stay up for 72 hours. That’s how I got through finals at good old Bang U.

    JACKSON (O.S.)
    No, no, no. You can’t make the Hedgehog on TV!

    (Jackson Tyler enters with his entourage in tow. He’s wearing a retro jersey, white kicks, jeans, and a lot of bling.)

    CYRILL
    Hello, Jackson. What are you doing here?

    JACKSON
    Shooting a video for my new song, “Bernanke’s a Bitch”. Subprime crisis is killing my portfolio!

    ENTOURAGE MEMBER #1
    Word.

    JACKSON
    Heard you were here and thought I’d see if our package came in from Brazil yet. But then I saw what you were doing! Cops’ll shut you down if you make that on TV.

    CYRILL
    It never occurred to me. I guess I’ll just cut that one out, too.

    JACKSON
    What else you got, Cyrill O’Syban?

    CYRILL
    Ground up walnuts, ammonia, listerine, and lime je–

    JACKSON
    –British Navy. No way.

    CYRILL
    A tea made from oregano, thyme, brake dust, and nose hairs–

    JACKSON
    –Toon pang! Nope.

    CYRILL
    Crushed D-cell batteries, “Sanford and Son” on Betamax–

    JACKSON
    –Root beer?

    CYRILL
    Sprite.

    JACKSON
    That’s even worse! That stuff will mess you up! I had a cousin got hooked on “Lizbeth” and now she just chews her toenails and watches “Ellen” all day. She voted for George Bush! Twice.

    CYRILL
    I, I just didn’t know Tyler. So what do you think I should do for today’s segment?

    (Cut to Cyrill sitting behind a desk.)

    CYRILL
    Today on “Five for Health” we’re going to discuss the health benefits of oral sex. So start your TiVos now, ladies!

    BLACKOUT

  • Friday Night Sketch War: Round Nine

    We’ve got an interesting battle this week. Back from the brink of doom (probably after making a Mephistophelian deal) Michael is firing on all cylinders. Red’s got a new home on the web, but didn’t join in the festivities. David channeled his inner Sondheim. It was a slugfest out there today…

    • Michael launched an early salvo on Thursday, setting off EM devices in the atmo…
    • Coyote scrambled bombers out of a secret Antarctic base while Crystal Palace struggled to come back online…
    • Michael fired rail guns from orbit, leveling Cleveland and Minsk…
    • David launched every missile out of every attack-hardened silo, leaving the Earth a smoking cinder.

    There was a lot of pain, crying, and gnashing of teeth today. We lost a lot of good people (and a lot of deadwood too…nukes and railguns are indiscriminate.) Hapkido, shotguns, fisticuffs, and song were the weapons of choice this week, my good readers. Go forth and be amused.

  • FSW: Barista Blues

    Barista Blues
    (Meg and Dex stand behind the counter of an upscale coffee house. He: late 20s, detached and jaded hipster. She: 18, fresh-faced, straight from the farmland. Dex is showing Meg how the brewing equipment works.)

    MEG
    It’s not a lot different from the one back at the Starbucks in Grover’s Corners. I should be able to run it. Thanks, Dex. I’m so excited!

    DEX
    It’s not that exciting. You brew, you steam, you move them along.

    MEG
    I don’t mean that! I mean I’ve only been in LA three days and I’ve already got a great job! My parents said I’d end up broke and have to come home and become a dental hygienist, but now I won’t have to.

    DEX
    I wouldn’t call this a great job.

    MEG
    But it is! Six days from six to two leaves me plenty of time to audition, and find a place to perform. Plus when Sol hired me he said I’d get to sing on the stage here, too!

    DEX
    (Laughing to himself) I remember that. By the time you get out of here, you won’t have the energy left to do much of anything. Besides, with what Sol pays you, you’ll end up taking extra shifts just to afford Ramen. And singing on that little stage over there…it’s just more scut work.

    MEG
    You’re a gloomy gus, aren’t you!

    DEX
    I’m opening up. Get ready.

    (Dex goes to the door and opens it up. A small line of movers and shakers has already formed. Each and everyone tapping furiously on his Blackberry or talking fervently on her Bluetooth. First in line is a smarmy, slimy man. Pretty much like everyone in line who isn’t a smarmy, slimy woman.)

    MEG
    Good Morning! What can I get for you today?

    ARI
    (Looking up and seeing fresh meat) Well, good morning princess. I’m Ari. Here’s my card. Call me sometime. I’d love to represent you.

    (Meg takes the card and beams broadly. She holds it up and glances at Dex who shakes his head in bemusement.)

    MEG
    I will call you, thank you! I’m an actress, and a singer-songwriter, and a —

    ARI
    — that’s great, babe. Tell it to my assistant when you call, okay?

    MEG
    Yes, sir! What can I get for you today?

    ARI
    I’ll have the usual, babe.

    (Ari smiles to himself at his unoriginal and unclever joke. Meg starts cackling in earnest.)

    MEG
    Wow! You’re funny!

    ARI
    Just make it a large coffee.

    (Meg pours and hands the coffee over to Ari, who then moves to the register to pay. Slimeball steps up.)

    SLIMEBALL
    I’ll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf…with a twist of lemon.

    (Slimeball waits expectantly…and Meg laughs.)

    MEG
    Oh, I love that movie! That’s great!

    SLIMEBALL
    Maybe you’d like to watch it with me sometime. Here’s my card. Call me. I’m an agent.

    MEG
    Thanks! Oh, I’ve got to go in back to get a lemon. I’ll just be one —

    SLIMEBALL
    — Actually, I’ll just have a large coffee.

    (Meg pours his coffee and hands it over. Sleazebag steps up.)

    SLEAZEBAG
    (Smiling to himself) I’ll have the usual.

    BLACKOUT

    LIGHTS UP
    (It’s later the same day, Meg’s hair is messed and there are coffee stains on her shirt. She looks harried. D-Bag steps up to the counter.)

    D-BAG
    I’ll have the usual.

    (Meg shows teeth, but it’s not a smile. Dex comes over to Meg.)

    DEX
    I’ll take this one. Sol wants some music.

    MEG
    (Cheered up immediately) That’s great! To tell you the truth, I could use the break. I have some great new songs I’ve been working on, too.

    DEX
    Didn’t Sol tell you? You’re just supposed to play that song “Bad Day”. Maybe some John Mayer when he’s in the mood, but that rarely happens.

    BLACKOUT

    LIGHTS UP
    (Some time has passed. Meg’s hair is spiky and parti-colored and she’s got a tattoo showing on her upper arm. She’s sleeveless now, and in general looks a bit skankier. She’s showing the tat to Dex.)

    MEG
    It hurt a lot. They don’t tell you that. But it’s pretty cool, don’t you think?

    DEX
    It’s nice.

    MEG
    I can’t wait till my friends back home see this! They’ll flip!

    DEX
    How was your audition on Friday?

    MEG
    I didn’t get the part. I don’t get it. There are movies and plays and TV shows all over, but there aren’t that many auditions.

    (Dex smiles to himself.)

    MEG
    Oh, I’ve gotta tell you! Last night at the club —

    DEX
    — that karaoke bar out in the valley?

    MEG
    Yeah. So anyway, I was DJ-ing and this group of really hot girls and guys came in and sang. One of the girls had this amazing voice and I asked her if she sang professionally. She just laughed and said it didn’t pay enough. (Stage whispers to Dex) She told me she did porn! Can you believe it?

    (Slimeball walks up with a few people behind him.)

    SLIMEBALL
    Hey, babe! How ya doing? You’re looking good today.

    MEG
    Oh, hey. Large coffee?

    SLIMEBALL
    Nah. I think I’ll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf —

    MEG
    — with a twist of lemon?

    SLIMEBALL
    Heh! You caught me. Actually, how about I get you something? Dinner?

    MEG
    Oh, I don’t know. I really shouldn’t. We’re not supposed to date the customers.

    (The people in line begin to grumble. Their very busy, very important lives are being put on hold with this inane chatter. Meg goes ahead and pours him a large coffee.)

    SLIMEBALL
    Well, I’ll keep asking anyway.

    DEX
    Meg, Sol wants another set.

    (Meg sighs deeply, grabs her guitar and heads for the stage. As the lights fade, we hear the opening bars of “Bad Day”.)

    BLACKOUT

    LIGHTS UP
    (Meg’s now got a full sleeve tat, a lip and two eye piercings, and a tat around her navel. She’s sleeveless and cropped. Slimeball is at the front of the line.)

    SLIMEBALL
    (Quietly, looking down) Large coffee please.

    MEG
    (Glaring…then finally exploding) You could have at least called me the next day! You said you’d call! Jesus. Damn it, you could at least look me in the eyes when you order your coffee!

    (Meg pours his coffee and slams it down on the counter. Slimeball slinks away to pay and the next customer steps up.)

    MEGADOUCHE
    Hello! I’ll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf…with a twist of lemon!

    (Meg screams, reaches below the counter, comes up with a shotgun and shoots him. Silence and stillness for a few seconds.)

    DEX
    I’ll clean that up. Sol wants you to do a set.

    BLACKOUT

  • Friday Night Sketch War: Round Eight

    I’d been holding off on reporting the results of this week’s battle in hopes that Michael would make it out of the M*A*S*H unit, where he was playing grab ass with Hot Lips Houlihan, in time to post. He’s been under the weather this week, and in Chicago, there’s been a LOT of weather this week under which to be.

    But then I remembered that even if he did make it out, he was meeting up with the brothers from the Water Buffalo Lodge for a Bowl-A-Thon. So hold back, I shall no more!

    • Coyote rises to periscope depth and fires a torpedo…
    • David and Leonardo DiCaprio drop depth charges from their battleship…
    • Red surprises the combatants with a fuel-air bomb dropped from a B-52.

    That’s right: someone new tossed her hat in the ring! Finally, PHX can represent with two mirth agents against the combined might of the Chicago comedy mafia! (I’ll nag her to get her own damn blog next time.)

    What’s that you ask? What have we got this week? Bad gifts, guy talk, and people who dress funny!