This one’s a bit different. Most of you reading this should (hopefully) note a passing similarity to a certain television doctor and insane performer. This sketch had originally been intended as part of a C-story for a spec, but I’ve never been happy with my plans for the A-story and have put that spec on a back burner. I never wrote this bit out, but had a good chunk of it in my head and figured I might as well put it to use. Hope y’all enjoy.

Five for Health: Homemade Drugs
(Dr. Cyrill O’Syban stands behind a lab bench wearing a white coat and goggles. There are beakers, test tubes, and a bunsen burner on the bench.)

CYRILL
Hi. I’m Dr. Cyrill O’Syban. I’m a working physician with a degree from the Bangalore School of Medicine. If you’re like most people, then you’re tired of making pharmaceutical fatcats rich just to stop your headache or cure your hangover. I’m here today to show you how to make your own perfectly safe alternatives in your own kitchen or garage.

(Cut to animated credits which play with upbeat music over. We see an animated caricature of Dr. Cyrill O’Syban in white coat performing various tasks with quick cuts and wipes from action to action:
– taking a red-faced, sweaty patient’s temperature; the mercury thermometer explodes
– performing the Heimlich in a restaurant on a very fat man; a huge meatball flies out of his mouth
– using a defibrillator on a patient; he lives
– handing a lollipop to a small girl; she smiles and shoots rainbows out her eyes
Animated Cyrill turns to the camera.)

ANIMATED CYRILL
I went to medical school, so you don’t have to.

(Cut to the real Cyrill. The final strains of the theme music finish and the titles read “FIVE FOR HEALTH WITH DR. CY”)

CYRILL
Nothing is more of a drag then seasonal allergies. This first home brew will cut right through that foggy head. We start with some over the counter allergy pills.

(During the following dialog, Cyrill takes some pills out of a box and crushes them into a beaker, then with gloves and tongs he pours from a bottle into the beaker. Smoke pours out.)

CYRILL
Take those out of the package and crush them up into a microwave safe container. Now carefully pour some bleach in and stir. What you want to see are small crystals just starting to form.

DIRECTOR
Cut! Cut! What the hell…are you making crystal meth? You can’t do that on television!

CYRILL
No, it’s fine. It’s just for allergies. It’s perfectly safe.

DIRECTOR
If it’s just for allergies, why don’t you just tell them to take the allergy pills?

CYRILL
This is much faster acting and lasts twice as long. It’s because the anti-allergy chemicals get to the source faster when you smoke them.

DIRECTOR
No! Skip this one. What else have you got?

CYRILL
A mixture of cough syrup, tang, and goat’s milk.

DIRECTOR
What’s that for?

CYRILL
You put two drops in each eye and you can stay up for 72 hours. That’s how I got through finals at good old Bang U.

JACKSON (O.S.)
No, no, no. You can’t make the Hedgehog on TV!

(Jackson Tyler enters with his entourage in tow. He’s wearing a retro jersey, white kicks, jeans, and a lot of bling.)

CYRILL
Hello, Jackson. What are you doing here?

JACKSON
Shooting a video for my new song, “Bernanke’s a Bitch”. Subprime crisis is killing my portfolio!

ENTOURAGE MEMBER #1
Word.

JACKSON
Heard you were here and thought I’d see if our package came in from Brazil yet. But then I saw what you were doing! Cops’ll shut you down if you make that on TV.

CYRILL
It never occurred to me. I guess I’ll just cut that one out, too.

JACKSON
What else you got, Cyrill O’Syban?

CYRILL
Ground up walnuts, ammonia, listerine, and lime je–

JACKSON
–British Navy. No way.

CYRILL
A tea made from oregano, thyme, brake dust, and nose hairs–

JACKSON
–Toon pang! Nope.

CYRILL
Crushed D-cell batteries, “Sanford and Son” on Betamax–

JACKSON
–Root beer?

CYRILL
Sprite.

JACKSON
That’s even worse! That stuff will mess you up! I had a cousin got hooked on “Lizbeth” and now she just chews her toenails and watches “Ellen” all day. She voted for George Bush! Twice.

CYRILL
I, I just didn’t know Tyler. So what do you think I should do for today’s segment?

(Cut to Cyrill sitting behind a desk.)

CYRILL
Today on “Five for Health” we’re going to discuss the health benefits of oral sex. So start your TiVos now, ladies!

BLACKOUT