The last two weeks were “write 65% of the sketch, then get gobsmacked with something urgent, wake-up Saturday and think ‘aw crap, I didn’t finish the sketch’””.
Ahhhhh…back in the ring….
This scene is completely a radio play – no visible actors, done either in the dark or just as an audio recording.
CAST:
ANNOUNCER – male, 50’s
SINGERS – all female voices
COLONEL MATT MERCURY – male, late 30’s to early 40’s
BUCK TUCKER – male, early 20’s
PAGE – male, late teens
BESS – late 20’s
PRODUCER – male, mid \ late 40’s
MUSICIAN – male, 50’s
ANNOUNCER
Beyond the moon and around the edge of the Milky Way, it’s the amazing adventures of...
(dramatic music cue)
Colonel Matt Mercury – Defender of Earth!
Theme music plays
ANNOUNCER
Brought to you by Woodborough cigarettes. Finely aged Carolina tobacco toasted to perfection, for that rich smooth flavor men of action crave.
SINGERS
(singing jingle)
That smoky toasty smooth taste that’s out of this world...Woooooooooood-borough!!!
ANNOUNCER
When last we left off, Colonel Mercury and his faithful lieutenant Buck Tucker had just entered the forboding gas caves of Planet X-Nine, searching for missing crew of their ship, the Galactic Penetrator.
Theremin music plays. Water drips, gas jets and footsteps echo off cave walls.
COLONEL MERCURY
Keep your particle blaster ready Buck. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
BUCK
Gosh Colonel, I don’t know how you stay so sharp. I’m still fuzzy from that knockout ray they hit us with.
COLONEL MERCURY
It’s only due to my superior mental training regimen that I was able to stay conscious long enough to safely land the Penetrator.
BUCK
Who do you think took the crew while we were still unconscious?
COLONEL MERCURY
Wish I knew Buck, wish I knew. We’re just lucky the ship’s cockpit locks down in an emergency, or you and I would be prisoners too. In fact, even now we’re being watched for signs of weakness.
BUCK
Leapin lightbeams, Colonel! How can you tell?
A commotion rises in the background, muffled by the studio doors.
PAGE
They’re live on the air ma’am, I can’t let you go in the studio!!
BESS
(slight drunken slurring)
Get the fuck out of the way you groveling rodent!
PAGE
But ma’am...
A face is smacked, hard, outside the doors, followed by several other hits and sounds of pain.
COLONEL MERCURY
Um, instinct Buck, battle honed instinct that tells me danger is lurking close by.
The sound of locked studio doors being shaken hard, then pounding.
BESS
(shouting through closed doors)
Dan...Dan Stewart. I know you’re in there!!! If you don’t open these goddamn doors I will break them down!
BUCK
What do we do Dan...I mean, what do we do Colonel?
COLONEL MERCURY
It’s not a sign of weakness to run and hide Buck. Quick, behind those speakers over there.
Static crackles, feedback. Doors still being rattled
PRODUCER
(in a thin voice over a cheap speaker in the recording studio)
No! Ummm...this is Steve the, umm, ship’s producer...the sponsors want us to stay where you are and keep broadcasting so everyone at Galaxy Command gets paid this week.
BESS
(from outside)
I’m getting the fire axe Dan!
COLONEL MERCURY
Roger, Producer Steve. Maybe Galaxy Command could run and get building security up to the studio...planet.
The sounds of an axe hitting the door
PRODUCER
(over speaker)
Right-o Matt. I’m on it.
Sprinting feet are heard over the speaker. The studio doors splinter after another axe hit
BESS
(not muffled anymore, but distant)
Thought you were safe behind locked doors, didn’t you, you two-timing bastard?
The axe drops to the floor and high-heeled footsteps quickly get closer.
BUCK
Holy Hydrogen Colonel! It’s Bess...the wealthy but evil blonde heiress from the Lucky 7 Bar and gri...bar and planet.
Creepy theremin music plays.
BESS
Was that creepy music for me? Are you saying I’m scary??? IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE SAYING??? HUH??
MUSICIAN
Look, lady, it’s just a reaction, I do it on the show it’s what I get paid for...I...no, not my instruments!!!
Heels click across the studio floor, left to right, then smashing and crashing mixed with what sounds like someone jumping on an electronic bagpipe made from living cats.
BESS
(from some distance away)
Your turn Dan.
BUCK
(panicking)
Aw galaxy crap, Colonel, she’s coming back. Use your particle disintegrator!!!
COLONEL MERCURY
Jesus Ray, it’s a sound effect. There’s not even a fake gun!
The high-heeled footsteps stop right at the mic.
COLONEL MERCURY
Greetings, Queen Bess from Planet Lucky 7. We come in peace.
BESS
Can the space-colonel bit Dan. It may have gotten me into bed, but now it’s just pissing me off.
COLONEL MERCURY
Dan? Who is this Dan you speak of?
The sound of newspaper rustling.
BESS
THIS Dan – the one on the front page of the entertainment section. The Dan who told me he was too sick to take me to the El Dorado last night, but who looks healthy enough in this photo, taken in front of Club Steubing, wearing a tuxedo, with a redhead on each arm.
COLONEL MERCURY
That must be my evil twin, Dan, of Zoid...the overlord of sector twenty four. We were separated at birth by a freak accident...
BESS
Evil twin? Oh, I’ll show you a freak accident!
BUCK
Colonel! Close your thighs!
A sound like two wooden blocks being smacked together.
BESS
oooww! My knee!
COLONEL MERCURY
Colonel Matt Mercury is also sponsored by Sure Guard cups and athletic supporters. Sure Guard, so comfy you’ll forget you’re wearing one.
BESS
(sobbing, but angry)
That does it Dan, we’re through! I can’t take the philandering and lies anymore! I deserve better than you!!! I want everything I ever gave you back – all of it, the tuxedo, the gold watch, the Deusenberg convertible, EVERYTHING, or I’m going to the papers and telling all those things you like to do in the bedroom.
COLONEL MERCURY
You wouldn’t...
BESS
Just try me, Mister “Feels-like-it’s-in-there, Now-inflate-it”!
A long silent pause.
COLONEL MERCURY
(talking low and seductively)
Queen Bess, there’s no need for hostility between our peoples.
BESS
Like hell there isn’t.
COLONEL MERCURY
(still pouring on the charm)
I think we can come to some sort of...understanding.
BESS
HA!
COLONEL MERCURY
(voice like melting honey)
This Dan you mentioned probably had a good reason for doing what he did. Maybe he was trying to get some publicity, get a new sponsor for the show like Johnson’s Fine Mink Coats, or box-seat tickets to the opera...just for two. And maybe he lied about it to keep it a surprise for a special someone’s birthday coming up tomorrow. That’s the kind of thing I, Colonel Matt Mercury, would do.
BESS
But those girls...
COLONEL MERCURY
Might have been cousins, exceptionally attractive previously unmentioned cousins, who could attract photographers and generate the kind of buzz that gets people film roles, and free minks, maybe even minks from that new sponsor he mentioned. Whaddya say Queen Bess? Why don’t we start a whole new era of...close...relations between our two...worlds.
BESS
I don’t know Dan. You’ve done this to me so many times...
COLONEL MERCURY
C’mon Queen Bess. Let’s let bygones be bygones and let take you round the moon, the way only Colonel Matt Mercury can...
BESS
Oh Dan...
Loud kissing and moaning. Five or six sets of footsteps run in closer
PRODUCER
I got security, they’re...damn, he works fast.
BUCK
I know. I thought we were dead, but look.
PRODUCER
Is he going to...right here?
BUCK
He’s good with buttons, gotta give him that
PRODUCER
Have you ever seen...
BUCK
...not that big, no!
The kissing and moaning stops
BESS
Are you two getting a good view?
PRODUCER
We couldn’t help it.
BESS
You want a peep show? He’s something to peep at!!!
Bess starts beating up everyone but Colonel Mercury. Sounds of punching, smacking and groans fill the room.
ANNOUNCER
Tune in next week when Colonel Matt Mercury and his valiant crew...she really should have buttoned her blouse.
BESS
I heard that!!! That announcer’s booth won’t protect you, pervert!!!
ANNOUNCER
Oh shit! Uh, just tune in next week. Galaxy command out!