FADE IN: 

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD – NIGHT

VICTORY!

FANS in the stands cheer.

THE WINNING TEAM, the Penguins, high-five each other ecstatically.

THE LOSING TEAM, the Badgers, sulk off the field.

An INTERVIEWER with a microphone approaches the winning team’s QUARTERBACK.

INTERVIEWER

Welcome back to your coverage of the West Lansdale Fightin’ Penguins! You’ve just seen an amazing 12-2 victory over the Lee Valley Badgers, and here is quarterback Mark Riley!

QUARTERBACK

Let’s go Penguins!

INTERVIEWER

Mark! How did you guys do it?

QUARTERBACK

Well, it’s really down to three guys.

INTERVIEWER

Uh-huh?

QUARTERBACK

The refs.

INTERVIEWER

The -- what?

QUARTERBACK

The refs have been blowing calls for the last two years now, but this time it was like they weren’t half-blind schizophrenics on a Mafia payroll, so we had an even playing field.

INTERVIEWER

Oh -- um, so -- how did you get the upper hand out there?

QUARTERBACK

Oh, that was all about the fans.

INTERVIEWER

‘cos there ain’t no fans like the Fightin’ Penguins’ fans!

QUARTERBACK

Not quites. Penguins fans are what I’d call ‘mediocre’.

INTERVIEWER

What?

QUARTERBACK

I meant the Badger fans. The Badger fans were just pathetic. Nobody could win playing for a bunch of wheezy, uncaring morons.

INTERVIEWER

“Wheezy?”

QUARTERBACK

The Badger fans really should just give up on football, and find something that doesn’t require any, y’know, joy, or will to live.

INTERVIEWER

Wow. Okay, is there anybody else you’d like to thank?

QUARTERBACK

Well, of course, Jesus.

INTERVIEWER

Amen.

QUARTERBACK

Jesus hates the Badgers.

INTERVIEWER

Wha -- hates --?

QUARTERBACK

Fumbling that third-quarter pass within three yards of the end zone? Nobody screws up that bad on their own.

INTERVIEWER

You think Jesus --

QUARTERBACK

-- smote the crap out of them, and then shone the light of his holy indifference upon our team.

INTERVIEWER

Why would the Lord do --

QUARTERBACK

I don’t even want to know, the way Jesus bent those guys over and had his way with them.

INTERVIEWER

Okay, seriously, Mark --

QUARTERBACK

I mean, it was so bad, I’d guess the quarterback chainsawed a nun and wore her skin to Mass.

INTERVIEWER

Wow. So, what’re you gonna do now?

QUARTERBACK

I’m goin’ to Disneyland!

INTERVIEWER

Great, Mark.

QUARTERBACK

-- if by “Disney” you mean “my dealer,” and by “land” you mean “his van.” Yeah!

Mark exits.

The interviewer eyes the camera.

INTERVIEWER

We’re not broadcasting that, right?

The O. S. cameraman shakes the camera “no”.

FADE OUT.