INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY – NIGHT

DENISE, 35, a large, gruff-looking nurse in pink scrubs, rolls ALBERTO DIAZ, 45, down a dingy, grayish-green hospital hallway on a gurney. The fluorescent lights flicker overhead as they turn the corner.

DENISE

Sorry about the inconvenience, Mr. Diaz, but some mix up occurred with your insurance, and they said we need to transfer you to another room. In the meantime...

Denise opens the door and rolls Alberto into the room.

CUT TO:

INT. SMALL HOSPITAL ROOM

Room is completely DARK. CRASH is heard as Denise slams the gurney into an unknown object.

FIGGERT

Aah!

DENISE

Sorry about that, Mr. Figgert.

Denise flips on the LIGHTS to reveal a dozen BEDS, each containing weary PATIENTS, jammed into an unusually small, single-patient hospital room. IVs, MONITORS, and other HOSPITAL PARAPHENALIA are crammed into the remaining open spaces.

DENISE

You’ll just have to bunk here for the night.

With little room to maneuver, Denise crashes the gurney into several other beds as she tries to squeeze it into a tight, empty spot in the middle of the room. Several patients cry out.

DENISE

I have some other patients to check on. Get yourself settled in, and I’ll be back shortly.

Denise walks out of the room. Alberto glances around the room puzzled. He looks over at the bed next to him where DAVID FIGGERT, 65, lays hooked up to several monitors and an IV.

FIGGERT

(to Alberto)

Don’t worry. Once you’ve been here long enough, you get used to it.

Figgert points to PAUL MENDELSOHN, 30, who is sitting up in his bed across the room.

FIGGERT

Paul over there came in with a splinter in his big toe two weeks ago. They still haven’t released him. (to Paul) Any news, Paul, about when you can go home?

PAUL

Nope. And, to tell you the truth, it’s really starting to get to me. I don’t know how much more I can take. I’ve counted all of the divots in the ceiling four times. I’ve made and ate about twenty-five mashed potato and green jello sculptures. I’ve been away from my wife so long even Nurse Denise is starting to look good. I swear I’m going to lose it any minute now.

FIGGERT

(to Alberto)

It’s an unfortunate situation. Luckily, I won’t have to deal with that. I’ll be out of here tomorrow.

Paul tentatively stands up in his bed. He looks around and starts hopping across the gurneys. Patients duck out of the way and yell as Paul leaps over each of their heads.

ALBERTO

(to Figgert)

What are you in here for?

Figgert carefully watches as Paul reaches the other side of the room, turns around, and starts hopping back.

FIGGERT

Heart transplant. Hey Paul, why don’t you sit down? You don’t want to rip out Mr. Long’s IV again. Last time you did that, he went into a diabetic coma.

PAUL

Don’t worry. I’ll be careful.

Paul hops forward but missteps and falls in between Figgert’s and Alberto’s gurneys, bringing some monitors and IVs crashing down with him. Paul lies squished in between the gurneys.

PAUL

Damn it. I think... yep... I broke my leg. (with the pain just hitting him) And, of course, the bone has pierced through the skin-aaaaah!

Denise opens the door and enters the room.

DENISE

What happened?

PAUL

Had a little accident.

ALBERTO

Paul broke his leg.

PAUL

And I’m pretty sure I can see part of my ear lying on the floor over there.

DENISE

Hmm... Just a second.

Denise walks out of the room.

ALBERTO

Maybe if I scooched over...

Alberto jumps up and down in his gurney in an attempt to shimmy the bed over. Paul lets out a loud scream.

PAUL

Aaaahg!

ALBERTO

Sorry.

Denise walks back into the room along with two new PATIENTS in hospital gowns dragging IVs along with them.

DENISE

Everybody, this is Mr. Meyer and Mr. Wolff. They’ll be rooming with you for the time being.

FIGGERT

What do you mean rooming with us? Where do you plan to put them?

PAUL

Yeah.

DENISE

Hospital policy, fellas. Beds open up, we fill them. Mr. Meyer... you take that empty bed over there.

Denise points to Paul’s bed.

PAUL

(looking up at Alberto)

Is that my bed she’s pointing to?

ALBERTO

(pointing to Wolff)

What about what’s his name there?

DENISE

Mr. Wolff, why don’t you squeeze into bed with Mr. Figgert. David, there, just had a heart surgery. So be gentle. Watch those staples. I’ll be right back.

PAUL

(to Denise; yelling as loud as possible)

You know, my leg could use a cast here. Possibly a couple of pins!

Denise walks out of the room.

Meyer climbs over the gurneys and bunks down in Paul’s bed. Wolff reluctantly crawls in bed with Figgert.

FIGGERT

Good to meet you, son. You know, I’d hate to do this to you, being that were new bunkmates and all. (whispers) But I need to use the facilities.

WOLFF

No problem, I can just get up...

FIGGERT

No need. If you can just hand me that urinal on the table there?

WOLFF

The urinal?

FIGGERT

The urinal, the urinal. Quickly, son.

Wolff picks up the URINAL on the table and hands it to him. Figgert draws the urinal under the blanket and lets out a loud sigh.

Wolff, disturbed, quickly gets up, crawls across the gurneys, and runs out of the room.

Figgert pulls out the full urinal and caps it. Alberto looks at Figgert, puzzled.

FIGGERT

(to Alberto)

Old V.A. trick. Works every time.

PAUL

(still stuck between the gurneys)

You know, I can see everything from down here.

Denise comes back in the room.

DENISE

Alright, fellas. Lights out.

Denise turns off the LIGHTS, exits the room, and closes the door. The room is momentarily silent and still. Suddenly, the LIGHTS flash on, and Denise walks back in the room.

All groan

PAUL

(angrily)

What? Did you finally realize that my head is still crammed between two metal poles?!

DENISE

Don’t worry. We’ll work on that in the morning. Mr. Diaz, I need to get your temperature.

PAUL

(yelling after her)

Now that the pulse in my foot has disappeared!

Denise walks over to the clump of beds and looks at Alberto who is out of her reach. She looks at her THERMOMETER and then hands it to Figgert.

DENISE

I can’t reach. Mr. Figgert, would you mind taking Mr. Diaz’s temp for me?

FIGGERT

(confused)

Sure.

Figgert reaches over to stick the thermometer in Alberto’s mouth.

DENISE

Oh, no, honey. The other way.

Figgert and Alberto look at each other in disgust. Figgert drops the thermometer.

DENISE

See you all in the morning.

Denise turns off the LIGHT, exits the room, and closes the door. Silence returns for a moment. Suddenly, in the dark, the door opens.

All groan.

ALBERTO

Come on!

DENISE

Sorry. Need to get Mr. Wolff’s...

Before she can finish the sentence, a THUD, followed by a SLOSH and a hollow CLUNK is heard as if something was thrown at the door and hit the floor. Denise screams in surprise. She flips on the LIGHTS. Denise is soaking wet.

DENISE

Mr. Figgert, if you wanted me to empty out your urinal, all you had to do was ask.