INT. RADIO STUDIO – NIGHT

DRACULA wears headphones and sits at a mic. The studio is dark, the only light a greenish-blue glow from the board and a narrow spot on his mesmerizing eyes. His accent is pure Bela Lugosi.

DRAC

Good evening. Welcome to another edition of “Drac Talk”. The board is already lit up so let’s get right to the phones. Our first caller is Drazen.

(beat)

Drazen, what’s your question?

DRAZEN speaks with an accent similar but more subtle than Drac’s.

DRAZEN (O.S.)

Hello, your highness.

DRAC

Drac will be fine, caller.

DRAZEN (O.S.)

Yes, Drac. You see, I live in a rent controlled apartment in the meat packing district. What used to be the meat packing district, at least. It used to be a good, quiet neighborhood. Lots of people from the old country, with the smells and sounds I was used to. Many of the people were less fortunate

(beat)

with no families to watch over them.

DRAC

I see. Continue.

DRAZEN (O.S.)

Even during the ’70s and ’80s when the punks and hipsters moved in, they kept mostly to themselves and had few friends coming around and asking questions. And I liked their music. It reminded me of our warhorses on the march. But now.

(beat)

A Pottery Barn opened across the alley from me. Young, happy couples are moving in to renovated loft space. It is becoming far too busy. I don’t know what to do.

DRAC

Drazen, I think you do know what to do. You must move, and quickly. Under cover of night, before it is--

An unseen organ plays an ominous chord.

DRAC (CONT’D)

--too late.

(beat)

Next caller, you’re on the air with Drac.

MARA is a whiny, emo teenager.

MARA (O.S.)

Drac, this is Mara. My boyfriend is a vampire.

Fanfare from the organ. Drac’s eyebrow arches.

DRAC

Really? And what makes you believe such a

(beat)

fanciful thing?

MARA (O.S.)

Well, for one he sparkles. And for two, a girl can just tell. Anyway, he came over after school yesterday--

DRAC

--During the day?

MARA (O.S.)

Yeah, right after seventh period.

Drac smirks.

MARA (O.S) (CONT’D)

Anyway, when he came over yesterday I tried to get him to sleep with me but he said it wouldn’t be right. He says he’s way too old for me and he’d be taking advantage. But it wouldn’t! I’m totally ready!

DRAC

I see. And then what happened? Did your “boyfriend” try to drain the very lifeforce from you? Sucking your soul dry?

MARA (O.S.)

No, silly! My uncle Barry came home and Bobby – that’s my boyfriend’s name, Bobby – went to help him chop wood. I watched for a little while, ’cause it was hot seeing him swing his axe like that, but then they must have gotten hot ’cause he and uncle Barry took off their shirts.

DRAC

Hmm.

MARA (O.S.)

And uncle Barry’s old and fat and hairy and that’s gross.

DRAC

Mara, your boyfriend has a secret.

MARA (O.S.)

A-doy! I told you, he’s a vampire.

DRAC

No Mara dear. He is not a vampire. He is a gay. This must come as quite a shock to you but I would be happy to help you through this difficult time. Just leave your information with my producer Marty and I’ll guide you through this transition period.

(beat)

Let’s take a brief break for our sponsor. We’ll be right back.

During the following commercial, Drac smooths his hair and eyebrows, touches his finger to one of his very sharp canines, and sucks the blood from the pricked finger.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Has this ever happened to you?

WOMAN (V.O.)

Fred! That wooden stake you used in the flower garden cracked and my prize azaleas are all dead now!

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Well, no more! Never again need you put up with cheap, unreliable wooden stakes. Imagine if you’d used a superior metal stake instead.

WOMAN (V.O.)

Fred! Thanks to your help in the flower garden, my azaleas took the blue ribbon at the county fair! I even beat out Marjorie Pryce, that old windbag! Thanks for using a reliable metal stake.

FRED (V.O.)

And it was cheaper than wood, too!

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

That’s right, folks. Metal stakes for half the price of inferior wooden ones. The Prince V Stake Company buys metal in bulk so it can offer you the best price on the best stakes on the market. No more wooden stakes!

DRAC

Yes. I myself highly recommend Prince V metal stakes. No one need ever use a wooden stake again!

(beat)

Marty tells me we’ve received a lot of calls because of our last segment. I can see the lines flashing. We’ve got one, HAH HAH HAH, two, HAH HAH HAH, excuse me. I seem to have someone in my throat. I had a student nurse for dinner last night and think I might have caught a touch of the flu.

(beat)

Next caller, you’re on the air. Who am I speaking to?

HANS VELSING is an older man with an English accent.

HANS (O.S.)

This is, er, Doctor Hans Velsing.

DRAC

Good evening, Doctor Velsing. Velsing. That name sounds familiar. Have you called the show before?

HANS (O.S.)

No, no. Long-time listener. First-time caller. Love the show. Love you, too. I was just wondering if you were going to be making any personal appearances to sign your book.

DRAC

Perhaps, Doctor Velsing. Perhaps.

HANS (O.S.)

I would love the chance to meet you in person one of these days. Or nights.

DRAC

We might be able to arrange that, Doctor Velsing. Are you sure you’ve never called the show before? You sound very familiar.

HANS (O.S.)

No, no. Just a fan. Well I must be going now. I look forward to seeing you...Dracula.

DRAC

And I, you. Doctor Velsing.

(beat)

Marty is giving me the sign that dawn is coming, so until next time...I bid you adieu.

The organ plays one last time as Drac disappears in a cloud of smoke to be replaced by a bat.

BLACKOUT: