This. Is. Not. Funny. It’s got one good joke and maybe three half-way decent jokes in it. I quite like the one good joke but that’s not enough. Sorry. Next week…next week will be a much better sketch. This I swear.
EXT. WWII EUROPEAN THEATER – STOCK FOOTAGE
The Normandy landing, tanks on the march, and the firebombing of Dresden.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
On May second 1945, a team of German scientists led by Hans Kohl surrendered to American forces hours ahead of the advancing Russian army. Fearing the treatment he and his fellow weapons designers would receive under Stalin, Kohl safely evacuated his team to the open arms of the United States.
(beat)
All but one of them.
(beat)
Franz Kohl, the brilliant but mercurial twin of the more famous Hans, was out getting cigarettes when the Soviet Army overran Nordhausen. For the next forty years, the brothers Kohl waged a private and escalating conflict against the backdrop of the cold war. For you see, it was Hans who had sent his brother out to the store.
Title: Very Mad Scientists
INT. UNDERGROUND AMERICAN LABORATORY – DAY
HANS, tall and slender in a stained white labcoat with wild gray hair, bursts into the lab, his arms flailing. OTTO, short, balding, and exactingly neat, stands at ease as Hans begins his outburst. Both have thick German accents.
Title: 1979
HANS
That damn peanut farmer screwed up again, Otto! I told him to use the death ray to neutralize the Ayatollah a year ago but he refused to listen!
OTTO
Perhaps he remembered the last time he used the death ray?
HANS
A simple mistake. I had forgotten the satellite was designed to take metric inputs. Had I remembered, Castro would be dead today and Cuba would be free.
OTTO
Yes, but the President was a fan of Elvis Presley.
HANS
It was an accident, Otto. An accident!
INT. UNDERGROUND SOVIET LABORATORY – DAY
FRANZ, identical to Hans but with clean coat and combed hair, strolls into the lab. PAVEL, 30s and serpentine with the reek of KGB on him, watches from the doorway. Franz methodically picks up beakers and SMASHES them to the floor, one at a time.
PAVEL
Doctor Kohl, what is wrong?
FRANZ
My brother’s done it again.
PAVEL
Done what, doctor?
FRANZ
Stolen credit for my work.
PAVEL
I don’t see how that’s possible, Doctor K--
FRANZ
--The death ray, you fool! That was my design!
PAVEL
Yes, doctor. But we have our own death ray.
FRANZ
Which we’ve never used! The Americans have used theirs. And to spite me, my brother used it to kill their Elvis Presley who I quite liked in that movie with the redheaded woman!
PAVEL
What do you suggest?
INT. UNDERGROUND AMERICAN LABORATORY – DAY
Hans sits on a stool, head between his knees, rocking. Otto comes in.
OTTO
Hans, what is it?
HANS
Franz crashed my space station.
OTTO
Skylab?
HANS
Yes. That bastard shot it down.
INT. UNDERGROUND SOVIET LABORATORY – DAY
Title: 1985
Franz sits calmly. Too calmly. Pavel comes in, distraught.
PAVEL
Comrade, have you heard the sad news?
FRANZ
Yes, yes. It appears my brother’s advances in bioweaponry are greater than your spies had ascertained. Secretary Chernenko will be missed.
PAVEL
But the Soviet Union will endure. Comrade Gorbachev will see to that.
FRANZ
Indeed.
BLACKOUT: