Friday Sketch War
Horrible Family Holidays Edition
“Ted’s Wake”
FADE IN:
INT. ELEVATOR LOBBY – NIGHT
KATIE (27, black formalwear) paces in a posh elevator lobby, going over a handwritten speech.
CROWD NOISES emanate from a closed door. Beside the door hangs a poster with a black-and-white photo of a scowling old man reads, “In Memoriam: Ted Reynaldo”. Beside the poster sits a chair.
Christmas decorations adorn the walls.
HOMER (23, black suit) breezes in through the door.
HOMER
Katie! ‘sup!
No repsonse.
HOMER
Dad says it’s time to do the thing —
The elevator BINGS. The door opens.
KATIE
Dad can wait. I —
And in the elevator, is —
HOMER
Sandra!
— SANDRA (23), pretty and cheerful. She and Homer kiss. Homer points her at the room.
HOMER
I’ll be there in a second.
Sandra heads in.
Off of Katie’s look —
HOMER
I met her last week. She’s, like, this really cool —
KATIE
And you invited her to Uncle Ted’s wake?
Homer just grins.
KATIE
(to herself)
Do I do the prayer —
The elevator BINGS.
KATIE
— or just go straight to the speech?
A small crowd of people pile out of the elevator, carrying what look like Muppets.
HOMER
‘sup, guys!
PUPPETEERS
‘sup, Homer!
They go into the room. Off of Katie’s look —
HOMER
Sandra’s, like, part of this puppeteering troupe.
KATIE
What?
HOMER
They do puppet shows.
KATIE
No. Why are they here?
HOMER
I guess Sandra invited them.
The NOISE from the room gets louder, more festive.
KATIE
Did you actually tell any of these people this was a wake?
Elevator BINGS.
HOMER
I — hmm. I said it was catered. I definitely said it was a Christmas party.
KATIE
Oh god.
HOMER
Well technically, it’s a party, and it’s Christmastime, right?
A couple of DELIVERYMEN show up, pushing kegs on dollies.
DELIVERYMAN
Um — the Puppet Place Players?
HOMER
In there.
DELIVERYMAN
Cool.
They join the wake.
The NOISE from the wake gets louder. MARIACHI MUSIC starts up.
HOMER
I guess I sort of told Sandra she could invite people, and they invited people —
The elevator BINGS. A MOTLEY ASSORTMENT OF PARTYGOERS spill out.
HOMER
‘sup guys — it’s in there.
The partygoers cheer, join the wake.
KATIE
Who are they?
Homer shrugs. Off of that —
KATIE
I can’t believe you did this to me! I —
Stops. Goes to the door. Looks in the room. Returns to Homer.
KATIE
Mariachis? How did they even get in?
HOMER
Oh, there’s this freight elevator, and it’s awesome, like this moving cavern, and —
Katie collapses in the chair, distraught.
HOMER
What?
KATIE
I know I didn’t exactly like the guy, and I know I’d rather cram things under my fingernails than give this big speech about how great he was, but I got stuck with putting this together and I just want to do one thing right for this family! Is that so much to ask?! And then you go and —
The elevator BINGS yet again, the doors open —
KATIE
OH GOOD GOD WHAT NOW?!
— and Katie finds herself face to face with a POLICE OFFICER standing in the elevator doorway.
Awkward pause.
HOMER
‘sup, officer? My sister’s kind of off her meds.
KATIE
Meds?!
POLICE OFFICER
We’ve had a noise complaint.
KATIE
Oh. Oh! Yeah, they’re right in there.
POLICE OFFICER
Thanks.
The officer crosses to the door, opens it.
Meanwhile, Katie darts into the elevator. She drags Homer in after her. The elevator closes.
POLICE OFFICER
Puppets!
The officer joins the wake.
FADE OUT.