Here’s my take on the “The End of the World” edition of Sketchwar.
FADE IN:
INT. BUSINESS OFFICE – DAY
MASON and ZANE (20s, fashion-y suits) sit across from T’HOTH, a robed, bumpy-headed alien with a sheaf of papers.
There are posters on the wall for movies like Dragonocalypse, The Gray Goo, and The Day the Moon Smashed Into the Earth.
T’HOTH
Conventionally, I would bring a battalion of spaceships to the planet, fire up large-phase energy weapons, and --
MASON
T’Hoth, Ima stop you right there.
ZANE
Spaceships?
MASON
Played out. Totally played out.
T’Hoth flips through his papers.
T’HOTH
But most of my methods for destroying planets are rather spaceship-centric.
MASON
‘saright. You’ve destroyed hundreds of planets.
ZANE
Just show us what you got, High Emperor T’Hoth. All ears.
T’HOTH
Ah -- you could trap the Earth in a simultaneity loop. That way, temporal copies of the Earth keep appearing in the same moment, until it all compacts into a steady-state “neutron ring” along the planetary orbit --
MASON
Whoa.
ZANE
Too “science.”
MASON
It’s original, and that’s good.
ZANE
But we need a way to destroy the earth that a drooling, brain-damaged five-year-old can understand.
T’HOTH
You could stop the rotation of the earth’s core.
MASON
Done.
T’HOTH
Blow up the sun.
ZANE
Done.
T’HOTH
Hit the earth with a really big hammer.
MASON
Technically, the same as Armageddon.
T’HOTH
Amass an army of space dragons --
ZANE
Animals? Played. out.
T’HOTH
Crash the moon into --
MASON
Done.
T’HOTH
Comets ta--
MASON
Done.
T’HOTH
Open a wormh--
ZANE
Done. Twice.
T’HOTH
Well, that’s me out of ideas. I mean, in the long run it’ll be resource depletion and greenhouse gases --
MASON
Too Obama.
ZANE
Not enough explosions.
T’HOTH
Hey. Thanks for giving me a chance.
He shakes hands with Mason.
MASON
Check is in the mail, bro.
ZANE
So.
Zane pulls out a promotional one-sheet with: (1) a man running towards the camera with a gun; (2) lots of wind in the background; (3) the title “Assloads’o’Tornadoes.”
ZANE
We go with plan A?
MASON
Only if we pronounce it “TOR-nuh-doze.”
ZANE
Deal.
They shake hands.
STAR WIPE TO:
A CLOSE-UP OF THE POSTER
BACKGROUND SINGERS (V.O.)
Assloads of TOR-nuh-doze! / Spinnin’ around and destroyin’ the planet! / Assloads of TOR-nuh-doze! / Gonna hit that wind with a really big hammer! / Assloads of TOR-nuh-doze!
FADE OUT.