The Lost Cowpoke of Krelkon-6


Here’s my take on the “Westerns” edition of Sketchwar.

FADE IN:

INT. STUDIO EXEC OFFICE – DAY

CANDACE (20s) and SAM (20s) sit across from an EXECUTIVE (50s, balding, ponytail) in an expensive-looking office with sci-fi movie posters on the walls.

CANDACE

And the movie we’re pitching you is called...

SAM

... The Lost Cowpoke!

CANDACE

Here’s the story --

Just as Sam picks up a printout and starts reading from it, the executive speaks up.

EXECUTIVE

Stop. Just stop. A Western? Really?

SAM

“The year is 1875 --”

EXECUTIVE

Westerns are out. Sci-fi is in.

CANDACE

Um -- exactly!

SAM

(sotto voce)

What?

CANDACE

(sotto voce)

Just read.

SAM

“The year is 1875 --”

CANDACE

... of the Galactic Empire!

Candace is clearly making all of this up.

SAM

... and sheriff Jenkins --

CANDACE

The sole legal enforcer of a mining colony on the sixth moon of Krelkon!

SAM

Is fighting off some bandits --

CANDACE

An invading force of sentient alien mindworms!

SAM

He chases them out of town --

CANDACE

And they flee through hyperspace!

SAM

But they abduct his wife --

CANDACE

In a statis pod, to take her back to their home planet!

SAM

So he rounds up his deputy --

CANDACE

The dreaded KillBot 3000!

SAM

They get on their horses --

CANDACE

That’s H-O-R-apostrophe-capital-S-E-S, a breed of sentient spaceships.

SAM

And even though they’re almost killed by Indians --

CANDACE

By a warrior race of sentient, genetically-modified spacefaring buffalo!

SAM

They, uh, get her back.

CANDACE

By peeling her out of the gooey stasis pod and ray-gun blasting their way out of the mindworm planet’s central command!

The executive pulls out a cell phone, presses a few buttons, sets it on the table. After a moment, the BIG BOSS answers.

BIG BOSS (V.O.)

What is it?

EXECUTIVE

Boss, I’ve got a promising sci-fi property for you --

BIG BOSS (V.O.)

Dammit, sci-fi is out. It’s crested. Romantic comedies are in.

CANDACE

Uh -- did I mention the Killbot 3000 is sassy and gay?

BIG BOSS (V.O.)

Hmm. Let’s talk.

The executive picks up the phone and talks with his boss. Meanwhile --

CANDACE

(sotto voce)

You think this is how Firefly got made?

Sam shrugs.

FADE OUT.