FADE IN: 

EXT. CITY STREET – DAY

Slo-mo, grainy, b/w footage of URBAN PEDESTRIANS.

NARRATOR

The economy is tougher than ever. To get a job, you need to get ahead of the competition. Plus, you need a miracle. Because the jobs aren’t there. So why not try a different approach?

EXT. THOMPSON UNVOCATIONAL COLLEGE – DAY

A slummy college campus, labeled “Thompson Unvocational College”.

NARRATOR

With Thompson Unvocational College?

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

A TEACHER lectures in front of a large display.

The display reads, “CHEAP FOODS”, and lists “Rice” (“yes!”), “Beans” (“yes!”), and “Ramen” (“No!”).

NARRATOR

At Thompson Unvocational College, we teach you the skills you’ll need for a life spent unemployed. Because face it, that’s what today’s college grads are getting.

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY

A bored GREETER greets a series of CUSTOMERS.

NARRATOR

Why waste time picking up skills you’ll never use in those few part-time gigs you might luck into?

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

STUDENTS socialize in a classroom, while TEACHERS’ ASSISTANTS carry clipboards and monitor them.

NARRATOR

When you could learn the networking skills you’ll need to acquire free food and shelter?

INT. OFFICE – DAY

A DOCTOR speaks one-on-one with a STUDENT.

NARRATOR

Basic medical self-diagnosis, since nobody will offer you medical insurance?

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

A TEACHER lectures in front of a blackboard that reads, “Conflict Mediation -- Basic Principles”.

NARRATOR

Or the extensive conflict-resolution techniques you’ll need to survive moving back in with your parents?

CGI FOOTAGE

Clunky, “Money for Nothing”-like CGI shows a STUDENT sitting in a scummy apartment.

NARRATOR

And our state-of-the-art technology will prepare you --

INT. VIRTUAL-REALITY CHAMBER – DAY

A STUDENT sits in a plain chair in the exact same pose.

He wears a clunky pair of VR goggles, hooked up to a large machine labeled “The Sitting Around the House All Day Simulator 3000X”.

NARRATOR

-- for all the scenarios that you’ll face as a member of the fastest-growing occupation in America: unemployment!

EXT. PARK – DAY

A STUDENT reads a copy of Hamlet in an idyllic park.

NARRATOR

And of course, we offer a full program in the liberal arts, so that you can stay amused for a lifetime with nothing more than a library card and a bus pass!

EXT. THOMPSON UNVOCATIONAL COLLEGE – DAY

The same slummy college campus.

This time, the superimposed text reads:

NARRATOR

Thompson Unvocational College: preparing you for tomorrow’s unemployment... today!

FADE OUT.