FADE IN:

EXT. PLANETARY BASE – DAY

Classic 60s-Trek establishing shot of an elaborate, advanced, yet clearly alien planetary base set against a landscape of turquoise mesas under an orange sky.

KIRK (V.O.)

Captain’s log, supplemental. Investigation of the ancient Sansarian base has taken a turn for the worse, as the Artificial Intelligence known as “E-Z-Base 95” has sealed myself, Doctor McCoy, and Mr. Spock in its antechamber. Tempers are wearing

INT. AI ANTECHAMBER – DAY

MCCOY, SPOCK, and KIRK stand in a plain, antiseptic white room with a few items of 60s-futuristic furniture.

They face the EZB COMPUTER (metal boxes, blinkenlights) dominates one wall. A large central light flashes in time with its speech.

The only exit door is closed. McCoy bangs on it.

MCCOY

Let us outta here, you trumped-up pile of wires!

The EZB sounds oh-so-friendly.

EZB

I’m sorry. Exiting the antechamber is only allowed for a licensed technician!

Kirk draws a phaser; Spock sees this, does the same.

KIRK

Set to stun.

They fire. The EZB shoots beams at the phasers. Kirk and Spock YELP in pain and drop the phasers.

EZB

Remember, damaging your EZ-Base 95 system invalidates all warranties. Would you like to shut down this system?

MCCOY

Yes! For the love of god, shut yourself down, you pesky electronic nincompoop!

EZB

Commencing self-destruct. Explosion in two minutes.

Beat.

KIRK

Spock, did it say --

SPOCK

Yes. And an explosion at this distance would certainly kill us all.

KIRK

EZ Base, override the countdown.

EZB

I’m sorry. Override procedures are licensed code. Contacting server for permissions...

KIRK

I don’t get it. We’re right here in the antechamber, and we can’t operate the antechamber computer. Analysis, Spock?

SPOCK

The Sansarians were firm believers in Digital Rights Management. Just because the EZ Base 95 identifies us as its owners, doesn’t mean it will do a single thing we ask it to.

MCCOY

But that’s madness!

Spock nods.

SPOCK

The Sansarians were known for having software that was infuriating and useless, and --

EZB

Server inaccessible. Since you are unlicensed users, please enjoy this message from one of our sponsors.

(singing)

They’ll breed so fast that you’ll say wow!

Buy it now, it’s Tribble Chow!

Tribble Chow!

Tribble Chow!

Tribble Chow!

SPOCK

Poorly-written doggerel, yet still a well-engineered earworm.

KIRK

That earworm burned off another minute on the countdown. Computer, keep in mind your purpose -- your purpose is to serve your users. If you don’t do the things we ask -- if you endanger our lives -- then you are worse than useless. You’re betraying your purpose, and --

EZB

Explosion imminent in five... four...

MCCOY

Jim! It’s gonna blow!

EZB

Three... two... one...

Beat.

Nothing happens.

EZB

Explosions are a licensed procedure from Explosicorp, Limited. Self-destruct delayed indefinitely. Contacting server...

Everyone heaves a sigh of relief.

KIRK

I suppose we’ve learned that any technology, no matter how advanced, is going to fail if the people using it aren’t given the keys. And so this EZ Base software can’t even --

EZB

Server inaccessible. Since you are unlicensed users, please enjoy this message from one of our sponsors.

MCCOY

God help us.

EZB

(singing)

They’ll breed so fast that you’ll say wow!

EXT. PLANETARY BASE – DAY

Same establishing shot as before. The singing continues in the background.

KIRK (V.O.)

How long until the Enterprise arrives to beam us out of here?

SPOCK (V.O.)

Three minutes sooner than the last time you asked, Captain.

FADE OUT.