Friday Sketch War
Borders Edition
“52.3°N, 119.9°E”
FADE IN:
EXT. BORDER CROSSING – DAY
A little hut occupies a desolate, rocky landscape. Truly the middle of nowhere.
A worn sign reads “Border Crossing” in Russian, Mandarin, and English.
LUBOV
(Russian, subtitled)
I spy with my little eye —
INT. BORDER PATROL STATION – CONTINUOUS
LUBOV (20s) and BOROVICH (30s), military men, play chess in the shabby little hut. The hut contains the bare necessities — an old communications radio, some tin pots and pans, and (oddly) a taser.
Both men speak subtitled Russian throughout.
LUBOV
— something beginning with the letter ‘S’.
BOROVICH
(immediately)
Sky. Go.
Lubov makes a move; Borovich makes him take it back.
BOROVICH
Not that, Lubov. You do that, I get your queen.
LUBOV
Oh! I spy something beginning with ‘R’.
BOROVICH
(immediately)
Rocks.
Lubov picks up the taser.
LUBOV
You’re great at ‘I Spy’!
BOROVICH
That’s not a toy.
Lubov shoots the taser’s little electrical clips into the huts ceiling. It makes a BZZT sound.
Lubov notices something out the window.
LUBOV
Huh. Now I spy something that starts with ‘M’.
BOROVICH
‘M’? What, outside?
LUBOV
There’s a man out there.
EXT. BORDER CROSSING – DAY
Lubov (taser in hand) and Borovich stand outside the little hut.
XIAO is running full-tilt towards the border station.
Lubov nervously raises the taser.
Borovich pushes Lubov’s hand down.
BOROVICH
Stop! This is a protected border!
Xiao doesn’t stop; Borovich grabs Xiao.
Xiao only speaks in subtitled Mandarin.
XIAO
I’m being chased by a man with an axe!
Lubov picks a little book out of his pocket, thumbs through it quickly.
BOROVICH
What’s he saying?
LUBOV
It’s “I am…” — here it is — “I am enjoying my morning run.”
BOROVICH
He can’t — you can’t run here! It’s the border!
XIAO
I don’t speak Russian! There’s a guy with an axe!
Xiao mimes appropriately.
LUBOV
He really wants to cross.
BOROVICH
Hmm.
EXT. BORDER CROSSING – DAY
Now all three men occupy the little hut.
Borovich places the last chess piece into the starting position.
BOROVICH
Simple. You win a game of chess, and you can cross.
LUBOV
Is that legal?
BOROVICH
Who cares? I haven’t played decent chess in seven months.
LUBOV
Hey!
XIAO
What?
BOROVICH
Your turn.
Xiao and Borovich start playing, blindingly-fast.
In the background, Lubov tries to juggle the taser, a pot, and his hat.
LUBOV
It’s lucky you showed up. Things were getting a little dull here at crossing #5201/B.
XIAO
What?
Lubov digs out his little book as Xiao and Borovich continue their game.
LUBOV
(Chinese, subtitled)
We are happy for your dog because we have spoons here.
XIAO
I’m so confused.
BOROVICH
Huh! I lost! Already!
Borovich shakes Xiao’s hand.
BOROVICH
Well-done.
LUBOV
Wait! He also has to — uh — juggle these things!
BOROVICH
Lubov, a deal’s a deal.
LUBOV
But it would be fun. Right? Sir?
EXT. BORDER CROSSING – DAY
Xiao stands in front of the building with the taser, the hat, and the pot in his hands.
Xiao looks confused.
Lubov mimes juggling.
Xiao juggles —
LUBOV
He’s really good.
BOROVICH
He gets to cross into Russia, no question.
Meanwhile, a crazed BRUTE WITH AN AXE appears behind the two men and raises his weapon to strike Lubov.
Xiao notices this, stops juggling, and shoots the madman (with the taser). The brute drops, unconscious.
Borovich, of course, only sees Xiao shooting at them — he jumps towards Xiao and punches Xiao out cold.
BOROVICH
Lubov. You gave him the taser?!
LUBOV
Uh, sir?
They both look at the felled brute.
BOROVICH
Are you sure the visitor said ‘morning run’?
LUBOV
Not 100%.
BOROVICH
Hmm.
Borovich points to the brute.
BOROVICH
Tie him up with something.
Lubov produces a length of rope from his pocket and starts tying the brute’s hands.
LUBOV
What’ll we tell command?
Borovich ponders a moment, then points to the brute.
BOROVICH
We’ll say he’s an evil spy —
Lubov props the axe against the hut.
Borovich checks Xiao’s pulse, props him up against the hut.
BOROVICH
— and this guy is a valuable informant — someone we need to detain for further questioning.
LUBOV
That’s an excellent plan, sir!
Borovich opens the hut’s door, drags Xiao in.
BOROVICH
It’ll be good to have this guy around.
Lubov follows Borovich in and closes the door.
FADE OUT.