I know from searching the net that I’m not the only one deeply disappointed with much of the modern content of SNL. In particular, I hate the MacGruber segments because they seem to me nothing more than lazy. They aren’t that funny to begin with – and to run multiple sketches in one episode of SNL is a symptom of a much deeper lapse in FUNNY. Anyway, here’s my take on what a couple of past performers on the show might have had to say if they got cast in one of today’s shows… It’s a little segment they like to call… Really?
EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY
We see a fuse lit. It trails across the parking lot, shooting sparks. In the background we hear the MACGRUBER theme starting. Out of nowhere BELUSHI – mid thirties, dressed in Samurai robes, leaps out of nowhere and cuts the fuse with a Samurai sword, stopping it’s progress. The music dies slowly. WILL FORTE steps onto the screen.
FORTE
What the hell?
BELUSHI
(shrugs)
Sorry.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWS DESK – NIGHT
GILDA RADNER sits behind a wooden desk. She stares directly into our eyes.
GILDA
Hello. I’m L’il Rosanne Rosanna Dana, and this is a little slot they like to call...REALLY? I know, I know, I’m not the girl – or guy – you expect to see. Hey ... so sue me, okay? You get what you get...
(beat)
And here’s my partner, John Belushi. John?
The camera pans right. BELUSHI stares deadpan at the camera. He has a script in his hand. The print on the paper is upside down.
BELUSHI
You’re probably a little surprised to see us here. I don’t blame you, if I was out there and a dead guy said hi, you’re probably surprised to see me, I’d say “really?” Too.
GILDA
Right. Anyway, here’s the thing. MacGruber? Really? You got this guy. He’s inna concrete room with two other people. He’s PRETENDIN’ to be annuder guy on a show everyone watching is too young to remember. Really? You get a whole WEEK to be funny, and this is it? Maybe you could just get a talking horse to come out and say HEY, I’m li’l Rosanne Rosanna Dana, and you’re not. That wouldn’t be funny either, but hey, you know, sometimes you are funny, and sometimes you are a sell-out tool, you know? Really.
BELUSHI
And hey. Maybe when I was Samurai Delicatessen Owner I could have made it happen at a Subway. Really. If you can blow some blonde guy with bad hair up three times a week and sell it to Pepsi for the Superbowl, chopping Jared in half ought to be worth SOMETHING. This is what’s funny? Really? Maybe you could use the Killer Bees to sell honey.. Or maybe I could chase your MacGruber ass with a really big stinger.
(looks around)
No...REALLY!
The camera pans back to GILDA who rolls her eyes and gives her patented silly grin.
GILDA
And now they try to save this SILLY skit by bringin’ in the REAL McGyver. Really? His show is one of the only ones not even made into a bad movie. HEY NBC! No one cares about this guy. Really. No one cares about Macgruber either. In fact, if you couldn’t get hunks like THE ROCK on the show, no one would watch at all...and hey, he’s got one FINE tight ass. Really.
BELUSHI
Wait
(hand to his ear comically)
What’s that?
We hear (O.S.) screams.
CUT TO:
INT. CONCRETE ROOM – CONTINUOUS
We see WILL FORTE and RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON tied to a large pile of dynamite. There is a fuse running around and around WILL FORTE’s head. Every time the flame passes his face he blows and blows and blows, but the fuse keeps burning.
CUT TO:
INT. NEWS DESK – CONTINUOUS
GILDA and BELUSHI stare at a large stopwatch on the desk in front of them. We still hear the fuse.
GILDA
Well, I’m L’il Rosanne Rosanna Dana, and this is John Belushi, and I think that’s just about enough of this.
BELUSHI
(raising an eyebrow)
I don’t think they’re going to make it...
There is a loud explosion.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING LOT – CONTINUOUS
We see a concrete room blown to hell.
GILDA
(to the tune of MacGruber theme song)
They blew up. They’re guts are all over hell, and they will not get well...MacGruber.
BELUSHI
(grinning)
REALLY.
FADE OUT: