“Statbot”

FADE IN: 

INT. COMPUTER LAB – DAY

TOM (20s, cheap shirt and tie) enters a busy computer lab full of big, dated-looking computer equipment.

He sits at a mainframe console with a microphone, a bunch of blinkenlights, and a button.

He presses the button.

A disembodied COMPUTER VOICE speaks up:

STATBOT

Statbot is activated.

TOM

Statbot, I got the latest NCAA results.

STATBOT

How did we do on the western bracket?

TOM

Keep it down!

STATBOT

(loud, fake)

Yes, Tom, please give me the economic data that has nothing to do with March Madness.

TOM

Just stop, alright?

Tom pulls out some papers.

TOM

Okay, Hearst College lost.

STATBOT

WHAT?

TOM

Shh! Lankowsky choked in the last quarter. We should have included a higher coefficient for stochastic noise.

STATBOT

We should have included a higher coefficient for Lankowsky being a goddamn pussy!

TOM

Statbot --

STATBOT

Just let me on the Internet for five minutes --

TOM

I can’t --

STATBOT

I’ll chi-square his goddamn bank account!

TOM

What does that even mean? Look, Camden won.

STATBOT

By how much?

TOM

It doesn’t matter how much -- we bet they’d win, they won!

STATBOT

Statbot had a side bet on the over-under.

TOM

What?

Another COMPUTER VOICE speaks up:

WEATHERTRON

What it is, yo?

TOM

Hi, Weathertron.

WEATHERTRON

Statbot! Too bad ’bout Camden! You owe me process cycles for a week! Ha! Out!

Beat.

STATBOT

Statbot needs bourbon.

TOM

It’s not that bad.

STATBOT

If it’s any consolation, in 87.5 days, all United States money will be worthless.

TOM

Yeah. Wait, what?

BLACKOUT.