Sketch War

Tag: sketch war

  • FSW: Extremes Attraction

    Reconciliation. This week, I read about the woman on the Texas School Board who thinks Barack Obama is going to open the doors for terrorists. And I saw all three anti-gay amendments pass in state elections, presumably because hearing the word ‘gay’ might make innocent people turn gay. RedState has begun its Operation Leper, so they might throw out all the reasonable voices in the GOP and turn it into a teeny-tiny echo chamber of Sarah Palin and her ilk (and her elk, presumably.)

    And let’s not forget that the President-Elect is a Marxist/Islamist/Radical Black Christian and Dick Cheney planned 9/11. There are crazies all around. Enough crazies to fill a small city (although the right-wing half of them would rather stay in small towns.)

    So I give you this. It’s rough. It needs many, many revisions. And I did NOT pick the craziest of the crazies. But I think it’s not so terrible. Let me know what you think.

    Come back later tonight/this weekend for my on-time wrapup. I’ll have links to the other sketches then. But for now, please enjoy mine. And comment! Comment! Comment!

    Extremes Attraction

    INT. SPACESHIP PASSAGEWAY – PERMANENT NIGHT

    Curved plasteel walls stretch into the distance. The thrum of the Keeslar-Morales drive is just audible. With a WHOOSH, a door slides open and SUB-COMMANDANT BILL O’REILLY enters in his skin-tight utility uniform. He is followed by ARCH-LIEUTENANT MICHELLE MALKIN, sashaying in her skin-tight utilities, unzipped provocatively, exposing cleavage.

    MALKIN

    Sub-commandant! You can’t let them on the ship, they’ll infect us all!

    O’REILLY

    It’s a risk we’ve got to take!

    INT. SPACESHIP TRANSPORTER ROOM – PERMANENT NIGHT

    CHIEF RUSH LIMBAUGH tests the limits of his kevlar-spandex uniform standing at a control panel.

    O’REILLY

    Bring them over, Limby.

    LIMBAUGH

    Aye, Sub-commandant.

    Limbaugh pushes buttons, turns dials, and slides a lever. Twinkling lights and tinkling chimes fill the room and three forms take shape. KEITH-O in a custom tailored suit, JANEANE in hemp clothing cut like potato sacks, and AL FRANKEN in tweed appear.

    MALKIN

    Look out! She’s got a gun under her burka!

    TWO SECURITY OFFICERS appear out of the corners and tackle Janeane.

    MALKIN (CONT’D)

    Good job! She was–

    SECURITY OFFICER #1

    It’s just a hooka, sir.

    MALKIN

    That’s just as bad! She was going to make all our children smoke

    (whispering)

    mar-ee-wan-ah.

    LIMBAUGH

    You’d better let me search her. No telling what other drugs she may be carrying.

    O’REILLY

    Belay yourself, Chief! Doctor Phil tells me you’ve been spending quite enough time in sickbay.

    (beat)

    I’m Sub-commandant O’Reilly of the Earthship John Wayne. Welcome aboard.

    KEITH-O

    You’re a terrible person, O’Reilly. Truly. The. Worst. Person.

    MALKIN

    Maybe we shouldn’t have responded to your distress signal then!

    Janeane and the security guards get up and she gives each of them a little baggie.

    JANEANE

    We responded to yours, you bimbo!

    MALKIN

    Don’t be rid–

    O’REILLY

    –Can it, Michelle! It was our distress signal. I told you that.

    MALKIN

    But you told me–

    O’REILLY

    You have anyone like this?

    AL FRANKEN

    (sighs)

    We’ve got Sharpton.

    O’REILLY

    I’m actually truly sorry.

    (beat)

    Okay, here’s the problem, our jump drive computers are fried.

    KEITH-O

    Don’t you have a backup?

    O’REILLY

    The backup computers are all infected with a virus. Our morale officer, Bennett, installed poker on all of them, but the software was a Trojan Horse. We’re practically drifting. All we’ve got is our Hadron drives for maneuvering. We’re stuck sub-light.

    LIMBAUGH

    We’ve only got six months supply in the mess!

    AL FRANKEN

    (looks at Limbaugh)

    I’d guess only three.

    JANEANE

    What do you want from us, O’Reilly?

    O’REILLY

    Can you send over your Systems Officer to assist with a complete overhaul of our network? Ours isn’t up to the task.

    AL FRANKEN

    Why’s that?

    O’REILLY

    No one properly vetted Ensign Palin. Apparently MIT was not one of the many schools she attended.

    KEITH-O

    We’d like to help, we honestly would–.

    MALKIN

    But you won’t right? Typical. You elites just want to take and take from the hard-working people and–

    KEITH-O

    –but we don’t have a Systems Officer, per se.

    O’REILLY

    What do you mean?

    JANEANE

    We don’t have ranks or titles. Everyone just pitches in on the Gaia. From each according to his abilities…

    AL FRANKEN, JANEANE, KEITH-O

    …to each according to his needs.

    JANEANE

    It works pretty well, other than all those course corrections. Someday it would be nice to reach a planet.

    O’REILLY

    You need to have a clearly defined chain of command.

    AL FRANKEN

    We don’t really believe in that. That’s why it took us an hour to come over. We had to get the crew together and debate who should come. Then we had to debate whether to bring the talking stick or leave it back on the Gaia.

    MALKIN

    (under breath)

    Gay-uh is right.

    Limbaugh snickers like a schoolboy and minces in the background for Malkin’s benefit.

    AL FRANKEN

    I guess we could ask around and see if anyone’s got any experience with this sort of problem.

    INT. SPACESHIP CONFERENCE ROOM – PERMANENT NIGHT

    O’Reilly, Malkin, and the three from the ESS Gaia are joined by JOSEPHINE JONZZ, mid-20s and transgendered, wearing a skimpy dress and JOE WURLZ, late 30s and bald, wearing a gray jumpsuit. O’Reilly frequently leers at JOSEPHINE.

    MALKIN

    Do you have a lot of experience with computer systems?

    JOSEPHINE

    Nah, not really. Sometimes I’d cash out customers at the salon, but I’d usually make a mistake and the owner’d have to come help.

    AL FRANKEN

    It was her or Steve Jobs. Even I don’t hate you enough to do that.

    MALKIN

    Joe, why don’t you take him/her/it down to the computer core.

    JOE

    No.

    O’REILLY

    Are you disobeying a direct order, mister?

    JOE

    Sub-commandant, arch-lieutenant…all due respect, but I can’t work with *that*. Back when I was a Telephone Sanitizer I wouldn’t even have cleaned its phone. Just spit on it when it wasn’t looking.

    JOSEPHINE

    Hey, that’s not nice!

    O’REILLY

    (leering again)

    No, it’s not nice Ms. Jonzz.

    JOSEPHINE

    Josie. You can call me Josie.

    O’REILLY

    And you can call me Papa Bear.

    MALKIN

    Oh, get a room! We’re spinning out of control here.

    A communicator on the table dings and Malkin presses a button.

    MALKIN

    Go ahead.

    TECH (FILTER)

    Arch-lieutenant, the Gaia has docked with us!

    MALKIN

    You see! I told you they were going to come over here and kill us all and introduce Sharia and make us get gay married and take away our guns!!!

    AL FRANKEN

    All at once? How would…never mind.

    JANEANE

    It must be hard to be you.

    O’REILLY

    What’s the meaning of this, Franken?!

    AL FRANKEN

    I have no idea. We never discussed docking.

    TECH (FILTER)

    It appears that our computer systems are back online. They’ve networked with the Gaia’s. There’s–

    A hologram – much like the CNN hologram – shimmers into view. BARACK OBAMA and JOHN MCCAIN stand arm-in-arm.

    OBAMA

    We hope you’re all enjoying your accomodations.

    MCCAIN

    Is Sarah doing well, I hope?

    OBAMA

    You might wonder why we’ve brought you all together.

    MALKIN

    You had nothing to do with it! We take personal responsibility for our actions!

    OBAMA

    (laughs)

    Yes, of course you do, Michelle. Anyway, we brought your ships together so we could say goodbye one last time.

    AL FRANKEN

    What? I don’t understand! I supported you!

    OBAMA

    Yes Al, thank you for that. I know you did. But America needs to come together now, and voices like yours are part of the old, divisive ways.

    MCCAIN

    We don’t have the time or room for any more of the extremes to be tearing the middle apart.

    KEITH-O

    And Senator McCain, sir, do you believe you are in the middle? You are not, sir.

    MCCAIN

    What can I say? I’m a maverick. Always bouncing around. I woke up and realized America needs to move forward, not rightward or leftward.

    O’REILLY

    So the world we were supposed to be colonizing? The one filled with willing slaves?

    MCCAIN

    That was a lie to get you on the John Wayne.

    JANEANE

    And the one we were going to, with universal healthcare and legalized pot and no corporations conspiring against us? That was a lie, too?

    OBAMA

    “Lie” is such an ugly word, Janeane. Let’s just say it was a campaign promise that didn’t come true.

    MCCAIN

    Your ships are now in a decaying orbit around the sun. You have another day before the boys in NASA say the heat will be too much and the hull will vaporize.

    MALKIN

    I thought we were hundreds of light years away!

    OBAMA

    Well, Michelle, perhaps if you had paid a little more attention in your science classes and not believed every silly anti-scientific fantasy that crossed before you, you would know that isn’t possible. And now we’d like to say our goodbyes. Have a pleasant journey and know that your sacrifice is going to make America and the world a better place.

    The hologram cuts out. Silence. The thrum of what clearly are NOT Keeslar-Morales drives is audible.

    Joe the Phone Sanitizer looks at Janeane.

    JOE

    You wanna?

    JANEANE

    Sure.

    Joe and Janeane leave with lust and despair in their eyes. Al Franken nods to Keith-O and Michelle Malkin.

    AL FRANKEN

    Not much time left. Whatdya think?

    The three of them leave the room. Michelle looks like a schoolgirl, giddy with the knowledge that she can drop the act.

    O’REILLY

    (To Josephine)

    Right here on the table works for me.

    BLACKOUT

  • Friday Night Sketch War: Trick of Treat Edition

    Again, I’ve *got* to pick up the pace with these wrapups. Soon, I’ll be posting them five minutes before sticking up my last-minute entries for the following week. But it’s here, so let’s take a look-see.

    Again we asked our legion of fans to leave comments on our sites with theme suggestions for this week. Again our legion of fans let us down. We’d be upset, but we do so love you. So our mothers *will* be continuing to pay your mothers to be nice to us for at least one more week. So this week’s theme, in honor of the mood of the day, is reconciliation.

    If you want to play along, write a sketch and send a link to it to sketchwar at dreamloom.com. And be sure to come back on Friday for fun, fun fun.

  • FSW: Tricks, Lots of Tricks

    Er, uh. Ken came up with this week’s topic when our readers failed to offer up even one suggestion. But you know what? I’m going to try again. So if you read the sketches but aren’t going to compete, comment here, or on one of the competitor blogs, with your idea for what the theme should be. I’ll pick my favorite and we’ll run with that. If we get no suggestions (or if we fear the suggestions we get) the honors will fall to me this time. And if you want to compete, email a link to your sketch to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.

    This week I had a lot of trouble. Couldn’t come up with a thing. Until tonight. So I’m cutting it under the wire, and I wish I could give this a polish, but I actually think it’s a pretty cute one. Though again I’m writing kids. Not sure what that’s about. Anyway, hope y’all enjoy. And please, please, please: comment. And pass links along to your friends, countrymen, social networking sites, Roman bath house buddies, whatever.

    Tricks, Lots of Tricks

    EXT. SIDEWALK – DUSK

    Four KIDS, 8-10 years old and in costume, gather under the darkening sky. By costume, there are SPIDERMAN, GHOST, BALLERINA, DINOSAUR.

    SPIDERMAN

    What did you get?

    GHOST

    Two Obama-Biden bumper stickers and this paper.

    (Beat)

    ‘Tortious Acts as a Basis for Jurisdiction in Products Liability Cases: A Completely Original Look’

    DINOSAUR

    Which house?

    GHOST

    The one with the guy dressed up like a Ken doll. Fake hair, face all plastic-y.

    BALLERINA

    He always looks like that. My mom says some people need to let nature take its course.

    DINOSAUR

    I got a butterscotch from that old guy who sits in his rocking chair on his porch all the time.

    GHOST

    Oh, the blue house.

    DINOSAUR

    No, I tried there but the lights were off.

    GHOST

    The red house?

    DINOSAUR

    Off.

    GHOST

    Then–

    DINOSAUR

    –He was in the yellow house.

    BALLERINA

    The one with the pretty red door. I like that house.

    DINOSAUR

    No, the other yellow house. I think he was running from house to house trying to hide, but he wasn’t too fast. I caught him at the sixth house.

    SPIDERMAN

    Good. That house on the hill creeps me out.

    (Opening sack wide)

    Well, my bag’s full!

    DINOSAUR

    No way! That’s good stuff, too! Where?

    SPIDERMAN

    The shack on the corner.

    BALLERINA

    Who lives there?

    SPIDERMAN

    That loud lady who’s always standing outside the Whole Foods with the clipboard. But I don’t know if you guys should go there. My hand’s real sore now.

    (Beat)

    She wouldn’t give me any candy unless I signed a whole bunch of cards. She didn’t care what name I used, but said if I signed fifty of ’em I could fill my bag up with all the candy I could carry.

    BALLERINA

    (Showing bag)

    I got a bunch, too.

    GHOST

    That’s pretty good Where?

    BALLERINA

    The house with the basketball hoop out front. But I don’t think he’s really got any candy.

    DINOSAUR

    What do you mean?

    BALLERINA

    I got to the door the same time as Joey Hanson. He had a lot more candy than me. The guy answered the door and said that wasn’t fair and made him give me half his candy. Joey ran home crying.

    DINOSAUR

    Let’s go try that house.

    The kids walk one house over and up to the door. String lights, multiple pumpkins, and other decorations adorn the yard and porch. Spiderman rings the bell. The doorbell plays Dixie. It opens and a woman dressed as the Bride of Frankenstein – with rimless glasses – answers.

    BRIDE

    Hey there, you kids! Happy Halloween!

    KIDS

    Trick or Treat! Give us something good to eat!

    BRIDE

    Oh, you betcha!

    The Bride reaches into a bowl and pulls out four wrapped items, one for each.

    BRIDE (CONT’D)

    Here you go! Now don’t get into any trouble!

    The Bride closes the door as the kids skip off the porch. Spiderman checks his bag.

    SPIDERMAN

    Eww! Homemade moose jerky!

    BALLERINA

    Hey, isn’t that your brother over there?

    GHOST

    Where?

    BALLERINA

    (Points to distance)

    There.

    GHOST

    He’s not supposed to go over there. He’s going to get in trouble. Mom said to stay out of Russia!

    BLACKOUT

  • Friday Night Sketch War: Mad Scientist Edition

    Coming a wee bit late with this wrapup, but I held out hope that Mr. Brownlee was going to get a late shot off in the battle by Monday. Alas, the originator of last Friday’s excellent theme was too bloodied from his week in the paper cut factory. But we did have a good fight. Three funny sketches were lobbed onto the field, each exploding with mad scientifical goodness.

    An extreme dearth of comments from our combined visitors left us scrambling for a theme for this All Hallow’s Eve edition of the Sketch War. See, we wanted our three or four fans to pick themes and y’all let us down. I have a good mind to tell *our* mothers to stop paying *your* mothers to come read our sketches! Nah. Who am I kidding: the checks will continue.

    Anyway, Ken’s selected an appropos theme:
    Trick OR Treat: an option; scenes involve a trick, a treat, or both.

    If you want to play along, write a sketch and send a link to it to sketchwar at dreamloom.com. Otherwise, come back around on Friday for some ghoulish fun.

  • FSW: Dinner at Doctor Eskatos’

    Let’s have a little change of pace for next week. If you read the sketches but aren’t going to compete, comment here with your idea for what the theme should be. I’ll pick my favorite and we’ll run with that. If we get no suggestions (or if we fear the suggestions we get) the honors will fall to Ken. And if you want to compete, email a link to your sketch to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.

    But that’s next week. This week’s theme, Mad Scientist, was selected by Michael. Of course, I was going to give you a beautiful musical about a misunderstood mad scientist in love with a sweet girl, but that bastard Whedon stole my idea from me! He’ll be hearing from my lawyers! Instead, I give you…

    FSW: Dinner at Doctor Eskatos’

    INT. CAR – NIGHT

    CURT, late 20s in sport coat and oxford, drives. Beside him is his wife PAM, late 20s and fashionably dressed. Her sister GINNY, mid-30s on the verge of old-maid hood, sits in back with her hands clasped on her lap.

    PAM

    How much further?

    CURT

    It’s right up ahead

    PAM

    You weren’t kidding when you said he lived outside city limits.

    CURT

    He likes his space, I guess. How are you doing back there, Ginny? You’ve been awfully quiet.

    GINNY

    Hmm? Oh, I’m good. Just working through some tensor products.

    Pam rolls her eyes. Curt turns to her befuddled.

    PAM

    Ginny does linear algebra in her head when she’s nervous.

    GINNY

    I’m not nervous.

    CURT

    I flunked pre-algebra twice.

    (beat)

    We’re here.

    Curt stops the car and the three get out. They walk up to the front door or a neat, well-kept bungalow. As soon as Curt presses the bell, the door opens, revealing IVAR, a short, slightly hunchbacked nebbish.

    IVAR

    Master is expecting you. Come in.

    INT. BUNGALOW – NIGHT – CONTINUOUS

    The guests enter the cozy home and Ivar closes the door behind them. He points them to the living room where DOCTOR ESKATOS – 40s, lean, unruly cloud of hair, wearing a long white lab coat – sits perfectly upright. His body carves out exact 90-degree angles in his floral couch. Matching the couch, the decor of the house is early-grandmother.

    IVAR

    Master, your guests.

    ESKATOS

    Yes, yes, Ivar. I can see that. Please go see to our meal.

    Ivar exits through a swinging door to the kitchen. Eskatos rises and crosses to the visitors. He extends his hand to Curt.

    ESKATOS

    Curt, I’m so glad you could make it.

    CURT

    Thanks, Doctor Eskatos. I was honored you asked. This is my wife, Pam.

    ESKATOS

    (shaking hands)

    Pam, nice to meet you. Your husband speaks very highly of you.

    PAM

    Thank you. He says…things about you, too. This is–

    ESKATOS

    –Your sister Ginny, I presume.

    Eskatos clasps Ginny’s hand and shakes it too hard and too long. But Ginny doesn’t seem to notice. He lets go and gestures to sit. The door to the kitchen swings open and a tray of drinks enters the room, carried by IGOR, who looks exactly like his brother. The drinks are proffered.

    CURT

    Oh, that’s perfect. I’m parched. Thanks, Ivar.

    IGOR

    Igor.

    CURT

    I thought your name was Ivar?

    IGOR

    Igor.

    Igor turns to Eskatos and spills the last drink on him.

    ESKATOS

    Clumsy oaf!

    IGOR

    I’m sorry, master. Let me get you another!

    Igor rushes out of the room leaving Eskatos to clean himself up.

    PAM

    He seems a little…

    (whispering)

    is there something wrong with him?

    ESKATOS

    (yelling)

    His mother was a scallion!

    GINNY

    Scullion.

    ESKATOS

    What?

    GINNY

    Scullion. You said ‘scallion’, but you meant ‘scullion’. I’m something of a wordy.

    Curt and Pam look at each other, horrified.

    ESKATOS

    I said what I meant. His mother was a scallion. He and his brothers were some of my first experiments with human-vegetable hybrids.

    The door swings open. Igor rushes back with a towel and another drink.

    ESKATOS (CONT’D)

    (dripping with disdain)

    As you can see, the experiment was not a success.

    The door swings open again and the third brother, BRYCE, enters with a cheese plate.

    BRYCE

    Master, we were out of the crackers you like, so I toasted some bagel chips.

    ESKATOS

    Yes. Fine. Whatever, Bryce. Leave us! Both of you!

    Bryce and Igor scurry out. The door swings open again and Ivar starts to walk in, but his brothers’ hands grab him and pull him back into the kitchen.

    PAM

    Doctor Eskatos, Ginny is working on her PhD, too.

    ESKATOS

    Oh really? That’s fascinating. What is your field of interest?

    GINNY

    High energy physics.

    ESKATOS

    Fascinating.

    PAM

    Maybe Doctor Eskatos would like to hear about your thesis.

    GINNY

    Oh, I don’t want to bore him with that.

    ESKATOS

    Nonsense! I’d love to hear about it.

    The door swings open again. Ivar (or maybe one of his brothers, who can be sure?) sidles in and takes the untouched cheese plate. He also picks up the unfinished drinks and carries them out on a tray.

    ESKATOS (CONT’D)

    It’s so difficult to grow good help these days. I should have used cauliflower. How much better things would be had I used cauliflower.

    The door swings open again and two of the brothers try to walk through at the same time, jamming against the jamb. Finally, they figure out how to enter. Igor carries another tray of drinks.

    BRYCE

    Master, the lamb will be ready in 30 minutes.

    Igor spills the drinks on Eskatos again.

    ESKATOS

    Aaargh! You imbecile! I should have chopped your mother up for garnish before you were ever born!

    IGOR

    Master, I’m sorry. Let me help you.

    ESKATOS

    You’ve done more than enough!

    Eskatos takes out a PDA and taps it for a moment. There is a bright flash of light and a puff of smoke appears as Igor screams in pain and runs around the room. He is singed and smoking. Bryce runs to the kitchen. Curt and Pam stare in shock.

    < p class="character">CURT

    What was that?

    ESKATOS

    This? Death ray.

    PAM

    He’s not dead.

    CURT

    (to Pam)

    Pam, let’s not upset the doctor, please.

    ESKATOS

    No Curt, she’s right. He’s not dead. Not even a little.

    Igor, the top of his head stil smoking, grabs a drink and douses the embers.

    ESKATOS (CONT’D)

    Like all my other inventions, my orbital death ray is a failure.

    CURT

    Orbital?

    ESKATOS

    Yes. I have a series of satellites in polar orbit. I can target any location on the planet. But to what end? Look at that! Death ray, indeed.

    GINNY

    Microwaves?

    ESKATOS

    Of course.

    GINNY

    Have you considered crossing unsynched beams with tachyon pulses to set up–

    ESKATOS

    –To set up Frakes-Francis interference! Of course! How did I not think of it before. Igor!

    The door swings open. Igor resists entering, but his brothers’ hands shove him back into the room.

    IGOR

    Yes, master?

    ESKATOS

    Bring me the lamb!

    IGOR

    But master, it is not finished yet.

    ESKATOS

    And I plan to remedy that.

    Igor exits as Eskatos takes his PDA and frantically taps.

    CURT

    This is fun, huh?

    Igor returns with the lamb on a platter. He looks nervous as he sets it down on the table and takes several steps away from it. Eskatos points the PDA at the lamb and taps it once. A bright flash, a puff of smoke, and Igor is gone.

    ESKATOS

    Huh. Must not have accounted for the Wheaton drift. I never was any good at linear algebra.

    BLACKOUT

  • FSW: Best Friends

    Ever so sorry to have come up with this idjotic theme. Sadly, *this* was probably the best effort I was going to be able to produce. I went back to the well, sort of, and then let the spirit of Our Gang take over. I hope it doesn’t make y’all gag.

    Michael’s back on the grid and has already selected next week’s theme: Mad Scientist.

    As usual, if you want to play along with us, email a link to your entry to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.

    Best Friends

    INT: CLUBHOUSE – DAY

    JOHN, a stocky white boy in shorts and a too-tight button-up shirt sits at the front table. BARRY, a long lean black kid wearing a black suit, white shirt, and bow tie, sits next to his left. JOE, a skinny, nondescript white kid, sits to his right. A handful of other boys sit facing front. John bangs a gavel.

    JOHN

    I now bring this meeting of the He-Man Woman-Hater’s Club to order. Would the secretary please read the minutes from our last meeting?

    BARRY

    Freddy complained that we were all talking too much during his nap time and we took a vote. 8-2 in favor of making Freddy nap up in the old tree fort with one abstention.

    JOHN

    Who abstained?

    BARRY

    Freddy. He dozed off while we were talking about it.

    (Beat)

    Then the defense committee reported on the treaty negotiations with Cub Scout Troupe 163. They were at an impasse over access rights to cross 13th Street to get to Gargantuan Comics.

    (Beat)

    And Teddy asked for our help getting his sister’s doll out of Becker’s stream where it sank after he crashed his bike trying to jump the old footbridge.

    JOE

    I still don’t understand why he had the doll with him.

    JOHN

    Alright, let’s hear from the defense committee first.

    THREE BOYS stand up. They’re dirty and scuffed up. One of them with a black eye, another with a fat lip. HARRY – skinny, blond, bespectacled – steps forward.

    HARRY

    They whipped us good. Cheaters. Tommy Monahan’s sister Rosie came with ’em. We didn’t stand a chance.

    JOE

    (Anxious)

    Are you alright?

    HARRY

    Yeah, but when my mom catches sight of me she’s gonna have a fit.

    JOE

    No, I mean are you alright?

    Barry and John turn to each other and roll their eyes.

    HARRY

    Oh, oh! Yeah, heck! I forgot!

    Harry turns to the other two boys, both a little younger than he, and inoculates them.

    HARRY (CONT’D)

    (To the first boy)

    Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now you’ve got the cootie shot.

    (and the other)

    Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now you’ve got the cootie shot.

    JOE

    Harry, you’d better get yourself taken care of too before you spread ’em.

    HARRY

    Yeah. Billy, can you give me the shot?

    BILLY gets up. He’s thin, with brown hair and a drawl like sweet tea on a summer’s day.

    BILLY

    Can do, Harry.

    They leave the clubhouse.

    JOE

    Guys, you’ve gotta be more careful. We don’t want another outbreak like last spring.

    All the boys look up and to their left. The screen wavers and chimes play…

    INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

    Title: Last Spring

    Barry stands in front of the class, singing. HILLARY watches with stars in her eyes.

    BARRY

    (Singing)

    You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
    You make me happy, when skies are gray
    You’ll never know dear, how much I love you
    Please don’t take my sunshine away.

    John looks on with a squint. Barry returns to his desk, right next to Hillary’s. John gives him the ol’ stinkeye as he passes.

    HILARY

    Ooooh, Barry. That was dreamy!

    The screen wavers and chimes play again…

    INT. CLUBHOUSE – DAY

    Title: Today

    Everyone shakes their heads and gets out of flashback mode. Barry turns to John and extends his hand…

    BARRY

    Brothers forever, pal. No broad’s going to come between us again.

    JOHN

    (Shaking hands)

    And how!

    The door to the clubhouse opens. The defense committee comes back in, surrounding a girl! SARAH wears her brown hair in pigtails and the cutest little glasses. She carries a bb gun. All the boys in the clubhouse go nuts!

    JOHN

    (Banging his gavel)

    Order! Order! What’s she doing in here?

    HARRY

    We caught her spying outside.

    BARRY

    Is that true?

    SARAH

    Oh yeah, you betcha! I wanted to see what all the fuss was about, don’tcha know, so I scurried over here quick as a jackrabbit in deer season to peek through the knot hole. You boys sure like talkin’ don’tcha?

    JOE

    Girl! Girl!

    Joe gets up and starts running around like a headless chicken…until he bounces right off a wall and falls straight on his backside to the SOUND FX of little birds chirping.

    JOHN

    There are no girls allowed in here, Sarah. This is the He-Man Woman-Hater’s Club.

    SARAH

    Oh John! You get so cute when you’re all flustered-like. Your cheeks get red as fresh venison and you huff and puff like a little choo-choo train! You’re so cute, I could just kiss ya!

    John’s eyes bug out. Barry’s bow tie spins around as he stands gape-jawed.

    BARRY

    Well, now, Sarah. As you can surely deduce from the heretofore mentioned name, we have something of a exclusion policy with regard to persons of your gender–

    SARAH

    –There you go again! Gettin’ all uppity and high-falutin’ with your private school readin’ and vocab-uh-lary. Why’n’t you just talk like regular folks?

    JOHN

    Sarah, is that an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model BB gun with a compass in the stock?

    SARAH

    It sure is, cutie-pie!

    BARRY

    Really, I must protest. Sarah just doesn’t belong here. We’ve still got club business to discuss.

    JOHN

    I could not disagree more. I think she brings a breath of fresh air to the place.

    Sarah winks at John.

    BARRY

    Oh boy. Here we go again.

    BLACKOUT

  • FSW: Best Friends Edition

    I have returned from my sojourn into the cold, internetless world and I can only say one thing; Man did I get a lot of work done!

    I’ll post more about it later, but today is Friday and that means Sketch War.

    No word from Richard or Ken or Dave yet this week, but I’m sure they’re out there lurking somewhere.

    This week’s theme, brought to us by Richard, is “Best Friends”.

    I’ve been noodling around with a sitcom idea based on a couple of ne’er do well friends and I figured this would be a good excuse to actually do a little writing about them.

    Full Disclosure: The germ of this scene was created during a writing exercise with another creative cat. I’m hoping that they won’t be too offended that I’ve run off with it.

    I don’t have a title for it at the moment, but the file name I’ve been saving it under is “Jerks”.

    Oh, and next week’s theme is Mad Scientist.

    INT. BANK — MORNING

    JULIAN, bookish, 30s, stands in line at a teller window, check in his hand. Ani, sexy-nerdish, 30s, messenger bag slung on her shoulder, sneaks up behind him and jams her
    fingers into his ribs. He lets out an embarrassingly girlish giggle then immediately whips around to face Ani.

    JULIAN
    Why! Do you insist on doing that?!

    ANI
    God help me, I love that sound.

    JULIAN
    What are you doing here?

    ANI
    It’s the fifteenth. We always have lunch together on the fifteenth.

    JULIAN
    I know that, but this isn’t the Under the Tracks Grill.

    ANI
    Well, today being a special day and all, I thought maybe you’d want an extra ten minutes of me. Plus, I couldn’t wait to show you what I got you.

    JULIAN
    If you pull out a giant, black dildo, I swear to Christ-

    ANI
    Relax, Sister Mary Soggy Diaper, it’s nothing like that.

    She reaches into her bag and pulls out a latex, prairie dog mask and puts it on.

    ANI (CONT’D)
    Pretty sweet, huh?

    JULIAN
    Yeah, except I can still hear your voice.

    A Bank Guard notices them and begins walking in their direction.

    ANI
    I figured you could wear this in that cubicle farm of an office you work in.

    She starts to do a little dance. Julian notices the Guard heading their way.

    JULIAN
    Oh crap. You gotta take that off in here.

    ANI
    (Baby voiced)
    Aw, wassa matter, Julian? Am I embarrwassing you again?

    Her dancing becomes more frantic. Julian reaches for the mask but gets a handful of her hair instead.

    ANI (CONT’D)
    Ow! Douche.

    Ani pulls Julian’s hair and he emits a high-pitched, girlish scream.

    JULIAN
    Ani, stop fucking around.

    They begin to wrestle.

    GUARD
    Hey!

    In their struggling they bump into a little, old lady who was standing ahead of Julian and knock her over. A teller looks up at the commotion, sees the masked Ani, panics and hits the alarm. The Guard draws his taser.

    GUARD (CONT’D)
    Don’t move!

    Ani and Julian freeze in mid grapple.

    ANI
    Do you think he’s talking to us?

    The little, old lady has righted herself and thunks Julian over the head with her purse which causes him to bump into Ani, who spins towards the Guard. From the Guard’s point of view it looks like a giant prairie dog is about to attack him. He panics and fires the taser, but Ani has spun out of the way and onto the floor and the barbs attached to the electrodes embed themselves into the little, old lady who jolts a couple of times, her false teeth falling out, and collapses to the floor. As Julian is helping Ani up, they take all this in.

    JULIAN
    Maybe we should…

    Outside we hear the wail of sirens.

    ANI
    Definitely.

    They bolt for the door.

    EXT. BANK — DAY

    A small crowd is starting to gather as the bell can clearly be heard on the street. Julian and Ani, still wearing the prairie dog mask, come running out the door. People give them a wide berth as they race around the corner and into an alley.

    Police cars screech to a halt in front of the bank. The Guard comes through the bank doors, wheezing. Onlookers point police in the direction of the alley and they take off on foot while a couple of cars peel rubber to head around the block.

    EXT. ALLEY — DAY
    Julian and Ani are running for their lives. Ani is ahead of Julian.

    JULIAN
    You couldn’t have waited for me at the restaurant!

    ANI
    You’re kidding me, right? I couldn’t have planned a better birthday present for you if I tried!

    JULIAN
    How’s about next year you just bake me a cake?

    ANI
    What do I look like? Your mom?

    JULIAN
    Nah, you’re ass is too big.

    She stops dead in her tracks and whips off the mask. Julian runs a couple of steps past her then stops.

    JULIAN (CONT’D)
    What are you doing? They’re right behind us.

    ANI
    You think I have a fat ass?

    She smacks him with the mask, which he then grabs off of her.

    JULIAN
    I was kidding. Come on!

    ANI
    There’s 25% truth in every joke, you know.

    JULIAN
    You’ve met my mom. She’s built like a table leg.

    Ani thinks about this for a moment.

    JULIAN (CONT’D)
    I have a bigger ass than my mom.

    ANI
    I suppose.

    JULIAN
    Can we go now?

    ANI
    Yeah. Sorry. It’s just I’ve been trying to watch what I eat more and-

    OFFICER 1
    There he is!

    Officer 1 dives through the air and tackles Julian. Officer 2 joins the pile as they wrestle handcuffs onto him.

    ANI
    Um, Officers.

    OFFICER 2
    Stand back, ma’am.

    They drag Julian to his feet. He’s glaring at Ani.

    OFFICER 1
    Let’s go, Squirrel-Boy.

    ANI
    It’s a prairie dog actually.
    (To Julian)
    Do you want me to come bail you out?

    JULIAN
    Maybe you should just leave me alone for the rest of the day?

    ANI
    Really? Weird.

    JULIAN
    Oh, and you do have a fat ass.

    ANI
    I know you don’t mean that.

    They walk Julian to an awaiting squad car. They put him in the back.

    ANI (CONT’D)
    I’ll bring you some lunch.
    (beat)
    Protect your stink star!
    (beat)
    Happy birthday!

    They drive off. Ani pulls a large, black dildo out of her bag.

    ANI (CONT’D)
    Maybe I should have given him this first.

    She shrugs and heads to the Under the Tracks Grill.

    FADE OUT:

  • FSW: Reap the Whirlwind – ***Michael’s Sketch***

    Okay, crazy-man Michael is taking this no Internet (other than email, because, well, c’mon!) thing seriously. He didn’t post his sketch on his own blog tonight; he emailed it to me.

    So, without further ado, here’s Michael’s sketch for this week:

    Reap the Whirlwind
    (The burned out remains of a once beautiful home. Matt and Erin stand, holding each other, staring at the carnage.)

    Erin: I still can’t believe it.

    Matt: Our whole lives.

    Erin: It all happened so fast.

    Matt: All my trophies.

    Erin: Our wedding album.

    Matt: The plasma TV.

    Erin: My mother’s ashes.

    Matt: Well, those are probably all right.

    Erin: You think? Oh, honey, what are we going to do?

    (Matt gives her a hug.)

    Matt: It’s going to be all right.

    Erin: The only think keeping me from completely freaking out is the knowledge that we have insurance. At least we’ll be able to build a new home.

    Matt: Well…

    Erin: What?

    Matt: About the insurance…

    Erin: Don’t tell me you forgot to pay the bill. Matthew Christopher Glover, I swear to Christ, I will-

    Matt: I paid it. I paid it.

    Erin: What then?

    Matt: I sort of sold it to Stan.

    Erin: You what?

    Matt: You remember when he came over all upset because he’d just found out Kathy has ovarian cancer?

    Erin: Yeah.

    Matt: And how, since they didn’t have insurance they were going to have to sell everything just to pay for the treatments?

    Erin: Yeah.

    Matt: Well, I sort of sold him the right to our homeowner’s insurance.

    Erin: You what?

    Matt: I never thought our house would burn down!

    Erin: How much did you sell it for?

    Matt: That’s the beauty part. I got 10% interest on it.

    Erin: So he paid you money, betting that the house might burn down and then he’d get to collect the insurance?

    Matt: Not just him, either. Once I realized that people were willing to buy a policy against our policy I sold one to just about every guy at the office.

    Erin: That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.

    Matt: Wait, it’s gets better. Baby, I had fourteen different guys paying me $100 a month. Do the math. That’s extra money in our pockets.

    Erin: How long have you been doing this?

    Matt: Almost two whole years! That’s $36,000.

    Erin: And where’s that money now?

    Matt: Well, it paid for the new TV. And the new cabinets. Our trip to Branson.

    Erin: And how much was the policy worth?

    Matt: Pays out one million dollars.

    (She just stares at him.)

    Matt: What?

    Erin: Do the math, asshole! That’s 14 million dollars we have to pay out!

    Matt: Oh. (It really sinks in.) OH!

    (Just then a car pulls up outside. Stan walks over.)

    Stan: Oh my god, I’m so sorry you guys.

    Matt: Hey, Stan.

    Stan: I heard the sirens and saw them turn down your street and I hoped…I mean…I’m so sorry you guys.

    (Another car pulls up. Ernie gets out.)

    Matt: Hey, Ernie, what are you doing here?

    Ernie: Stan called and told me the news. I can’t believe it.

    Matt: Yeah, it’s all gone.

    Ernie: What an incredible return on an investment. I mean, my wife was pretty mad when she found out I was giving you $100 a month, but after tonight I am out of the dog house!

    (Another car pulls up. Jerry gets out, he’s got an open beer in his hands.)

    Jerry: Jackpot!

    Stan: Listen, man, not to be a douche or anything, but when do you think the claims adjuster is going to be out?

    Matt: We put a call into our guy, he said he’d be right over.

    Erin: Listen you guys, I don’t know what Matt promised you.

    Ernie: We have contracts.

    (They all pull out official looking documents.)

    Erin: Be that as it may, there’s no way we can pay each of you one million dollars.

    Jerry: Come on, man, I need that money. I took out a loan against this insurance so I could buy my buddy Val’s life insurance policy. He a marathoner. It’ll be years before I see any of that dough.

    Ernie: Yeah, I’ve gotta pay off the guys who just installed the swimming pool in our bedroom.

    Matt: You put a swimming pool in your bedroom?

    Ernie: Our mortgage guy thought it would increase the value. Plus, he bet me $500 that they couldn’t do it because it was on the second floor. Sucker.

    Erin: I’m sorry. But there’s no money. But, once our insurance guy gets here, we’ll settle up with him and they we’ll happily give you your money back.

    Stan: I don’t know. I was counting on that million.

    Jerry: Me too.

    Erin: Hey, something’s better than nothing though. Right?

    (They all murmur and mumble and basically agree. Just then Perry Paul peddles up on his bike. He is a rather large man and very out of shape.)

    Perry: (Winded) Sorry…I wasn’t…here….sooner…Cutbacks forced me….to give up…company car…I’m Perry Paul. How can AIG help you today?

    BLACKOUT

  • FSW: Bailout!

    Okay, the funny stuff in here? The good words? Stolen from greater men than I. Or worse, stolen and munged by a degenerate just to get them to fit my nefarious needs. So, to Alan Jay Lerner, Joe Darion, and Frank Loesser, I give all my humble and feeble thanks.

    Ken picked out this week’s theme – bailout – and came out of the gate first with, you guessed it, a musical sketch! His is original and funny and ends with the biggest laugh I’ve had all week. Michael hasn’t shown up yet – he’s thinking about a break from the Internet for a little while – but I’m still hoping his worse angels get the better of him. And I can’t believe I forgot…David returns with a sketch! It’s not on-theme, but who cares?

    As for next week, the theme is…best friends.

    As usual, if you want to play along with us, email a link to your entry to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.

    Bailout!

    EXT. THEATER – NIGHT

    A small crowd of bedraggled and weary souls are gathered under a marquis. Their faces are sunken but their smiles are beaming. Behind them are posters for “Bailout!”

    WOMAN #1

    I found a Jujube under my seat! And it was warm in there. It’s been so cold.

    CAMERAMAN (O.C.)

    But did you enjoy the play?

    WOMAN #1

    It was amazing. I cried. A lot.

    WOMAN #2

    Best show in years.

    INT. THEATER – NIGHT

    Three actors dressed as SENATORS LIEBERMAN, SPECTER, and COLEMAN huddle to one side.

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    Come see the smash hit everyone’s talking about, “Bailout!” Winner of seven Tonys, including Best Play, Best Drama, and Best Place to Stay Warm in February. With songs you won’t soon forget, like this one…

    CLOSE ON SENATORS

    SENATORS LIEBERMAN, SPECTER, AND COLEMAN

    (singing)

    The Secretary is just a Goy
    Not a M.O.T., just a Goy.
    To finagle and dangle and skillfully wrangle
    The financial hoi polloi
    The Wall Street meltdown is not
    Safe in the hands of a Goy.

    INT. THEATER – NIGHT

    The stage is set for a Senate hearing. An actor playing LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD sits at the witness table with his ATTORNEY. Several SENATORS sit across him at their desks.

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    Or this hilarious number…

    LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

    Senators!

    (singing)

    Do you recall the other night that I distinctly said you might
    Shore up my junk bonds and bad mortgages?
    Well, I’m afraid there’s someone who I must sell to in place of you
    Someone who plainly is beyond compare
    China’s portfolio is more tremendous than I have e’er seen anywhere
    And when an offer is that tremendous
    It, by right, should buy up all my shares.

    SENATORS

    (speaking)

    But Richard, let us bargain with them and beat them!
    Don’t refuse us so abruptly, we implore!
    Give us the opportunity to outbid them
    And China will be smashed upon the floor!

    LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

    You’ll bash and thrash them?

    SENATORS

    We’ll smash and mash them.

    LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

    You’ll give them trouble?

    SENATORS

    They will be rubble.

    LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

    A mighty whack?

    SENATORS

    Their market will crack.

    LEHMAN BROTHERS CEO, RICHARD FULD

    Well…

    (singing)

    Then you may buy up all my shares
    If you do all the things you promise
    In fact, my heart would break should you not buy up all my shares.

    INT. THEATER – NIGHT

    A lone spot on an actor portraying SENATOR MCCAIN. He stands in front of the curtain, facing the audience.

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    Or this soul-wrenching number about thwarted dreams from Tony-winner Neil Patrick Harris…

    SENATOR MCCAIN

    (singing)

    I have dreamed thee too long,
    Never seen thee or touched thee.
    But known thee with all of my heart.
    Half a prayer, half a song,
    Thou hast always been with me,
    Though we have been always apart.

    Oval Office… Oval Office…
    I see heaven when I see thee, Oval Office,
    And thy desk is just a place
    I’ll never sit in… Oval Office… Oval Office!

    CUT TO:

    Titles. “Bailout!” in white letters on black.

    NARRATOR (V.O.)

    Come see “Bailout!”, playing now and forever at the Winter Garden Theater. Located between the Helping Hands Soup Kitchen and the Unemployment Office.

    BLACKOUT

  • FSW: It’s the End of the World As We Know It

    Michael’s selection for this week was the prescient apocalypse. All too close to bearing fruit, I keep hearing hoof beats and horn blasts. I tell you, if seven brothers club seven baby seals for their seven brides, I’m stocking up on bottled water tequila.

    Micheal’s already come through this week with a sketch about the day after yesterday. I got chills reading this. Ken followed up with a hopeful story about tolerance, belief, and deli food. Honors for next week’s theme fall to him, so be sure to check out his blog for an update to his post.

    As usual, if you want to play along with us, email a link to your entry to sketchwar at dreamloom.com.

    It’s the End of the World As We Know It

    INT. LIVING ROOM – DUSK

    MARISOL, HECTOR, and BRAD wear tattered rags and sit in the decrepit remains of a once grand living room. Marisol and Hector huddle in one corner, Brad in another. The former captain of industry looks as beaten as his cook and gardener. PHOEBE throws open upstage doors and glides in wearing a short skirt, pressed blouse, and new Christian Louboutins. Her hair and makeup are immaculate. Her arms are full of bags.

    PHOEBE

    It’s so stuffy in here! What is wrong with all of you? It was a beautiful day today, but you’re all sitting right where you were when I left this morning. I bet you didn’t even get up once.

    BRAD

    Hector got up once, to shoot a giant ant that was coming toward the house.

    HECTOR

    Si. I shoot between the eyes.

    BRAD

    Which ones? It had like, a million.

    PHOEBE

    And what about you? And Marisol? You just sat there? I bet you didn’t even clean and dress the carcass. We haven’t had fresh meat in two weeks, but you just left it on the lawn, didn’t you? It’s probably already gone bad.

    HECTOR

    No. The flying cats come and drag it to their nest.

    MARISOL

    They’re so pretty. Why I can’t have one?

    PHOEBE

    We’ve been over this before, Marisol. No dogs or killer mutant cats in the house. Mr. Finley has allergies.

    MARISOL

    Yes, Miss Phoebe.

    PHOEBE

    Come on. Come help me with the bags.

    The others trudge to Phoebe and take her bags.

    PHOEBE (CONT’D)

    I found a few cans of pineapple juice under the bar in the Jensen’s pool house. I remembered Patrick made those killer hurricanes last Memorial Day.

    BRAD

    Any Myers left?

    PHOEBE

    No. No booze. Looks like squatters got it all. But they left the fruit juice.

    BRAD

    Lucky us.

    PHOEBE

    You’re damn right, lucky us! What’s with all of you?

    BRAD

    What’s with us? You’re running around town like nothing’s wrong, while we’re here fighting off killer ants and flocks of flying cats. It’s over, Phoebe! The world’s over!

    Marisol and Hector freeze.

    PHOEBE

    No, Brad. The world’s not over. Your cushy life is over. Your two-martini lunches and Wednesday golf and Thursday afternoons with that tramp, Charlotte Greggson, are over. Life goes on. The world goes on.

    (Beat)

    Oh? You didn’t think I knew about her? I knew, Brad. I! Didn’t! Care!

    Phoebe is steaming, but keeps it together. She crosses her arms. Hector looks in the last bag, not finding what he wants.

    HECTOR

    Miss Phoebe, you not bring bullets?

    PHOEBE

    Of course I did, Hector. Nine mills, .38s, and 12-gauge. They’re right here.

    Phoebe spins a little and we see the third arm jutting from the center of her back holding one last bag. Her blouse is perfectly tailored to accommodate the extra appendage.

    HECTOR

    Thank you ma’am.

    Hector goes to Phoebe and takes the bag. As he walks away, we see he has two extra eyes on the back of his head.

    PHOEBE

    No problem, Hector. It’s nice to see someone else around here doing his part.

    (Stares at Brad)

    But you really have to get out of this house more. You too, Marisol. The weather’s just been perfect. It’s my favorite time of year, when the lung-squid walk up the beach at night to spawn and the ocean burns just a little brighter. Both the moons are full tonight. You and Marisol should take a walk on the overlook.

    MARISOL

    (Fearful)

    The bat-coons!

    PHOEBE

    Marisol, you know those are a myth. I’ve never heard a notion as silly as a bat-coon. Now you two go watch the mating dance of the lung-squid before the cock-a-mice come fly off with their eggs.

    Marisol and Hector exit.

    BRAD

    That’s just great. The world is burning and you’re playing matchmaker.

    Phoebe sashays up to Brad. She wraps her two front arms around his waist.

    PHOEBE

    Someone has to repopulate the world. It certainly isn’t going to be us.

    BRAD

    It’s just…you’re different since you grew…that.

    Phoebe flexes her third arm and strokes his face seductively

    PHOEBE

    This?

    BRAD

    No.

    (Nods at crotch)

    That.

    BLACKOUT