Sketch War

Tag: sports

  • Peter’s Commentary on the “Odd Sporting Events” Edition

    Here’s my commentary for the 4/30/09 round of Sketchwar, which had the theme “Odd Sporting Events.”

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  • El Ocho Es Muy Caliente!

    [fountain]
    INT. TV STUDIO – DAY
    MEGAN THUNDER (20s, in miniskirt and halter top) and NICK STEELE (20s, in lycra shorts and Ed Hardy t-shirt) stand before a bank of monitors showing a variety of sports.

    NICK
    Yo, yo, yo! This. Is. The Ocho Report!

    Obnoxious flying graphics scored with too-loud music identify this as “The Ocho Report” on ESPN 8.

    CUT TO:
    Back to studio.
    (more…)

  • Team Acme

    I’ll admit, I’m WAY out of the box on this one…but the idea hit me like a big Acme anvil, and I had to do it. Sorry 🙂

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  • March Madness Wrapup

    Whoops! Not only did this week’s topic bring us our fewest sketches in several weeks, but…um…this was not our best week. And that’s, o-kay. There were a few chuckles though, so let’s get to them.

    Next week’s topic is CSI: Anywhere. Expect a lot of sunglasses and oneliners. And don’t forget to vote on your favorite sketch from this week.

    [poll id=”3″]

  • Basketball, Bullies and a Blue Freeze Pop

    E.L. Raica comes to us this week with a tale of great athletes and the sacrifices they make. You’ve never seen young men leave it all on the court like this, I guarantee that.

    [fountain]
    INT. GRADE SCHOOL GYMNASIUM – AFTERNOON
    PLAYERS, PARENTS, COACHES, REFEREES, and CAMERA CREWS crowd together in a small, grade school gymnasium during a third grade basketball game. About a dozen third grade boys are milling around the gym floor waiting for play to commence. Announcers, BOB and JIM, sit at a table on the side calling the game.
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  • This is March

    Ugh. I picked this week’s topic and could NOT be more irritated with myself. March Madness is a time of rejoicing over upsets and crying over busted brackets, not trying to put write sketch comedy! I’m a maroon. Oh well. This one’s…well…not very funny, but it’ll do I guess. Y’all be the judges.

    [fountain]

    INT. BASKETBALL ARENA – DAY
    Tight on BILL RAFTERY and VERNE LUNDQUIST wearing headsets.
    (more…)

  • FSW: Sports Edition

    Thank God its Friday Sketch War!!!

    So I chose the theme for the week – and I went with something to take our minds off politics and failing financial giants….SPORTS!!!

    I’ll update links to the other sketches as combatants enter the arena, but here’s my offering….a tribute to fans of bad NFL teams everywhere (I know your pain :).

    UPDATE: Richard shows us which candidate(s) have game and Michael helped us on a new career path, which shows some serious esp, since Richard has given us “Job Hunting” for next weeks theme.

    P.S. – Congrats to Richard on his upcoming release from hell…I mean 2 week countdown to departure from his current job!!! WOOHOOO!_________________________________________________________________

    INT. – SPORTS BAR – DAY

    Rod, Gary and Frank – 3 middle aged, balding, mustached, overweight men – sit at a table, wearing football jerseys, faces painted in team colors, wearing baseball caps for their favorite team. The table is littered with the remains of beers, hot wings, popcorn, peanuts, and several other paper-covered plastic baskets that contained foods we can only imagine. These are superfans, but now they sit, staring at an unseen television, mouths agape as if they just witnessed the most horrific accident in the history of man in close-up slow motion.

    ROD
    Hol-eeeeee shit.

    GARY
    63 to 2

    ROD
    Hol-eeeeeeee shit.

    FRANK
    How’d we even score 2?

    GARY
    The other team deliberately dropped the ball in their own end zone…

    ROD
    Holeeeeee…

    GARY
    …one of our guys tripped and accidentally fell on it.

    ROD
    shit.

    FRANK
    This is the worst. 4 lousy losing seasons, 3 number one draft picks, and we still get the ever-loving-crap kicked out of us on Monday Night Football.

    ROD
    This team sucks balls.

    GARY
    Big ones

    FRANK
    Big hairy ones

    ROD
    Sweaty and hairy

    GARY
    And dangly….big sweaty hairy dangly loser balls.

    FRANK
    That’s the kind of balls this team sucks.

    ROD
    Goddamn Ball suckers

    GARY
    They can’t get any worse.

    ROD
    Bottom feeding ballsuckers

    FRANK
    We said that last year.

    GARY
    We did?

    FRANK
    And the year before.

    ROD
    Chronic bottom feeding ball suckers

    GARY
    Shit.

    GARY pauses a moment…they sit in silence, depressed, until an idea hits GARY

    GARY (CONT)
    You know what? I’m through.

    FRANK
    Through?

    ROD
    You mean with the wings?

    GARY
    Nah….I’m done being a fan. I will never cheer for this lousy stinkin’ team ever again.

    GARY throws his baseball cap on the table and starts wiping colored makeup off his face

    FRANK
    You gonna switch to some other team?

    GARY
    Fuck that….I mean I’m done, period. End of story. No more football, ever.

    ROD
    Holeeeeee shit!

    GARY
    Think about it…what has football ever given us?

    FRANK
    Heartburn

    ROD
    Depression

    FRANK
    Suffering

    ROD
    And sorrow

    GARY
    Right….and what have you given to football?

    FRANK
    Piles of money

    ROD
    Every Sunday from September to February.

    FRANK
    Those Monday nights too.

    ROD
    My youth

    FRANK
    My waistline

    ROD
    My pre-spastic colon

    GARY
    I lost my first wife because of football.

    ROD
    Yeah?

    GARY
    And my second.

    FRANK
    My wife barely talks to me any more…and we ain’t had sex in two years.

    ROD
    Football?

    FRANK
    Damn straight – she wanted to have sex this time two years ago when a game was on, and I ignored her.

    ROD
    Shit

    FRANK
    So she went and dressed up like a cheerleader, then bounced around doing splits…I got pissed cause she was wearing the wrong colors and blocking the screen.

    ROD
    Shit

    FRANK
    So she leaves, comes back in, butt naked this time, bouncing around doing splits…

    GARY
    And…?

    FRANK
    You guys have seen my wife – naked was not step up. I haven’t watched a game at home since.

    ROD
    Shit

    GARY
    What about you Rod?

    ROD
    What about what?

    FRANK
    Football made any girl trouble for you?

    ROD looks like a deer in the headlights

    ROD
    No…no issues with, um, girls, at all

    GARY
    Look…let’s make a pact….right here, right now, the three of us…NO MORE FOOTBALL

    ROD AND FRANK
    (in unison)
    NO MORE FOOTBALL!!!

    GARY
    We’ll find other things to get exited about

    FRANK
    To dedicate our lives to!

    ROD
    To get fanatical about!

    GARY
    Other reasons to drink beer!

    FRANK
    To eat nachos!

    ROD
    To dress up

    FRANK and GARY look at ROD for a moment, thinking about that one

    GARY
    We’ll talk about other things

    FRANK
    Watch something besides ESPN!

    ROD
    Read other parts of the paper!

    GARY
    We don’t need football to be men, do we?

    ROD AND FRANK
    HELL NO!!!

    GARY
    We’ll be the type of men who lived before football was invented!

    FRANK
    We’ll read books!

    GARY
    Watch plays

    ROD
    Go dancing!

    FRANK
    Debate issues!

    GARY
    Explore shit!

    ROD
    Go dancing!

    GARY
    And never, ever, EVER again will we let some stupid silly game control our emotions, wreck our self esteem

    FRANK
    Make us dress up like idiots

    ROD
    Shout like retarded cavemen

    GARY
    Or dictate our schedules and isolate us in dingy bars. And never again will football come between us and our children…

    FRANK
    Our wives…

    ROD
    Our parents…

    GARY
    A-fucking-men! From now on it’s real conversations about real shit with the people we care about….OR NOTHING!!!

    GARY raises a near empty beer mug, the other follow suit

    GARY
    Gentlemen…..FUCK FOOTBALL!!!

    ROD
    (in unison)
    FUCK FOOTBALL!!!

    They clink glasses and chug down the last swigs of beer in their mugs. They slam the mugs down on the table in triumph. Then, as they look around at each other, they become aware of how quiet it is. Each tries a few times to think of something to say, starts to say something to the others, then thinks about it, and doesn’t say a word. All three look at each other with a growing sadness, frustration and fear.

    GARY finally breaks the silence.

    GARY
    Uhhhh….

    ROD and FRANK hang on for his next word.

    GARY
    Who do we play next week?

    ROD
    New Orleans

    GARY
    Oh hell yeah, we should be able to kick the shit out of them!!!

    Animated excited conversation resumes

    BLACK OUT

  • FSW: 2008 NFL Combine

    (Scott Van Pelt and Mel Kiper stand in a broadcast booth at an arena. Graphics read “2008 NFL COMBINE”.)

    SCOTT
    Welcome back. I’m joined now in the booth by Mel Kiper. Mel, what are your thoughts on the first three days of competition?

    MEL
    Scott, this has been a great combine. It’s been an especially strong year for the skill positions, with quarterbacks and receivers performing particularly well. We’re still waiting on the official scores on the Wonderlic, but early reports show none of the surprises we’ve had in years past. Today we’ll be seeing defensive linemen and defensive backs and I know a lot of GMs are anxious to see how they do.

    SCOTT
    It looks like we’ve already got our first defensive back warming up down on the course now. It’s Darren McKnight out of Purdue. Mel, what can you tell us about Darren?

    (Down on the field, we see that an obstacle course has been set up. There’s a large seesaw, a series of jumps, a long line of slalom poles, a curved tunnel. A layout familiar to anyone who has ever seen dog agility trials.)

    MEL (O.S.)
    Darren’s a smaller d-back, but he’s quick and agile and can run all day. You really love watching guys like this, the way they just jump around, always excited and happy to please.

    (Darren and a middle-aged woman are at the starting line. Darren is hopping around like a Jack Russell and the woman holds out a piece of bacon for him.)

    MEL (O.S.)
    Darren’s handler is his mother and agent, Myrtle McKnight. She’s an experienced handler, having managed both of Darren’s older brothers at the combine in year’s past. Vince is a wide receiver for the Cardinals, and Trey is a punter and backup QB up in Buffalo. She knows what she’s doing out there, and as long as she can keep Darren’s attention, he’ll do great.

    (A gun sounds and Darren starts running the course. Myrtle guides him through it.)

    SCOTT (O.S.)
    He’s going great out there. Looks like a real pro, doesn’t he?

    MEL (O.S.)
    He sure does, Scott. Myrtle’s giving him just enough freedom to really fly, but still keeping him focused. Look how she’s always one step ahead of Darren so he knows where to go next.

    (Darren overshoots the entrance to the slalom poles and Myrtle has to get him back to restart them.)

    MEL (O.S.)
    Oh no! That’s a five second penalty! He’s going to have to really work hard to make up that loss.

    (Darren finishes the course and jumps into his mother’s arms and kisses her.)

    SCOTT (O.S.)
    That really was a shame, wasn’t it. Looked like he had a shot at the course record.

    MEL (O.S.)
    He sure did, Scott, but I think his time will still put him in the top three for his position.

    SCOTT (O.S.)
    Let’s go down to Erin Andrews on the field and see what the competitors have to say.

    (Sideline reporter and Internet sensation Erin Andrews stands by Myrtle and Darren. Darren jumps out of his mother’s arms and hops around, still excited from his run.)

    ERIN
    Myrtle, can you tell us what happened out there?

    (Darren gets down on all fours and starts to sniff Erin’s crotch.)

    ERIN
    Oh my! That’s a good boy. Okay! That’s enough, now. Down, big fella!

    MYRTLE
    Darren! Mind your manners, boy!

    (Darren stops sniffing and sits by Myrtle.)

    MYRTLE
    Sorry, Erin. He gets a little excited sometimes.

    (Erin, excited herself, fans herself.)

    ERIN
    That’s alright, Myrtle. He’s a cutie pie. Aren’t you, Darren? Such a good boy.

    (Back to the booth.)

    SCOTT
    Okay. We’ll come back to Erin in a bit. Up next, wide receivers jump off a pier to retrieve a stick.

    BLACKOUT