Thank God its Friday Sketch War!!!

So I chose the theme for the week – and I went with something to take our minds off politics and failing financial giants….SPORTS!!!

I’ll update links to the other sketches as combatants enter the arena, but here’s my offering….a tribute to fans of bad NFL teams everywhere (I know your pain :).

UPDATE: Richard shows us which candidate(s) have game and Michael helped us on a new career path, which shows some serious esp, since Richard has given us “Job Hunting” for next weeks theme.

P.S. – Congrats to Richard on his upcoming release from hell…I mean 2 week countdown to departure from his current job!!! WOOHOOO!_________________________________________________________________

INT. – SPORTS BAR – DAY

Rod, Gary and Frank – 3 middle aged, balding, mustached, overweight men – sit at a table, wearing football jerseys, faces painted in team colors, wearing baseball caps for their favorite team. The table is littered with the remains of beers, hot wings, popcorn, peanuts, and several other paper-covered plastic baskets that contained foods we can only imagine. These are superfans, but now they sit, staring at an unseen television, mouths agape as if they just witnessed the most horrific accident in the history of man in close-up slow motion.

ROD
Hol-eeeeee shit.

GARY
63 to 2

ROD
Hol-eeeeeeee shit.

FRANK
How’d we even score 2?

GARY
The other team deliberately dropped the ball in their own end zone…

ROD
Holeeeeee…

GARY
…one of our guys tripped and accidentally fell on it.

ROD
shit.

FRANK
This is the worst. 4 lousy losing seasons, 3 number one draft picks, and we still get the ever-loving-crap kicked out of us on Monday Night Football.

ROD
This team sucks balls.

GARY
Big ones

FRANK
Big hairy ones

ROD
Sweaty and hairy

GARY
And dangly….big sweaty hairy dangly loser balls.

FRANK
That’s the kind of balls this team sucks.

ROD
Goddamn Ball suckers

GARY
They can’t get any worse.

ROD
Bottom feeding ballsuckers

FRANK
We said that last year.

GARY
We did?

FRANK
And the year before.

ROD
Chronic bottom feeding ball suckers

GARY
Shit.

GARY pauses a moment…they sit in silence, depressed, until an idea hits GARY

GARY (CONT)
You know what? I’m through.

FRANK
Through?

ROD
You mean with the wings?

GARY
Nah….I’m done being a fan. I will never cheer for this lousy stinkin’ team ever again.

GARY throws his baseball cap on the table and starts wiping colored makeup off his face

FRANK
You gonna switch to some other team?

GARY
Fuck that….I mean I’m done, period. End of story. No more football, ever.

ROD
Holeeeeee shit!

GARY
Think about it…what has football ever given us?

FRANK
Heartburn

ROD
Depression

FRANK
Suffering

ROD
And sorrow

GARY
Right….and what have you given to football?

FRANK
Piles of money

ROD
Every Sunday from September to February.

FRANK
Those Monday nights too.

ROD
My youth

FRANK
My waistline

ROD
My pre-spastic colon

GARY
I lost my first wife because of football.

ROD
Yeah?

GARY
And my second.

FRANK
My wife barely talks to me any more…and we ain’t had sex in two years.

ROD
Football?

FRANK
Damn straight – she wanted to have sex this time two years ago when a game was on, and I ignored her.

ROD
Shit

FRANK
So she went and dressed up like a cheerleader, then bounced around doing splits…I got pissed cause she was wearing the wrong colors and blocking the screen.

ROD
Shit

FRANK
So she leaves, comes back in, butt naked this time, bouncing around doing splits…

GARY
And…?

FRANK
You guys have seen my wife – naked was not step up. I haven’t watched a game at home since.

ROD
Shit

GARY
What about you Rod?

ROD
What about what?

FRANK
Football made any girl trouble for you?

ROD looks like a deer in the headlights

ROD
No…no issues with, um, girls, at all

GARY
Look…let’s make a pact….right here, right now, the three of us…NO MORE FOOTBALL

ROD AND FRANK
(in unison)
NO MORE FOOTBALL!!!

GARY
We’ll find other things to get exited about

FRANK
To dedicate our lives to!

ROD
To get fanatical about!

GARY
Other reasons to drink beer!

FRANK
To eat nachos!

ROD
To dress up

FRANK and GARY look at ROD for a moment, thinking about that one

GARY
We’ll talk about other things

FRANK
Watch something besides ESPN!

ROD
Read other parts of the paper!

GARY
We don’t need football to be men, do we?

ROD AND FRANK
HELL NO!!!

GARY
We’ll be the type of men who lived before football was invented!

FRANK
We’ll read books!

GARY
Watch plays

ROD
Go dancing!

FRANK
Debate issues!

GARY
Explore shit!

ROD
Go dancing!

GARY
And never, ever, EVER again will we let some stupid silly game control our emotions, wreck our self esteem

FRANK
Make us dress up like idiots

ROD
Shout like retarded cavemen

GARY
Or dictate our schedules and isolate us in dingy bars. And never again will football come between us and our children…

FRANK
Our wives…

ROD
Our parents…

GARY
A-fucking-men! From now on it’s real conversations about real shit with the people we care about….OR NOTHING!!!

GARY raises a near empty beer mug, the other follow suit

GARY
Gentlemen…..FUCK FOOTBALL!!!

ROD
(in unison)
FUCK FOOTBALL!!!

They clink glasses and chug down the last swigs of beer in their mugs. They slam the mugs down on the table in triumph. Then, as they look around at each other, they become aware of how quiet it is. Each tries a few times to think of something to say, starts to say something to the others, then thinks about it, and doesn’t say a word. All three look at each other with a growing sadness, frustration and fear.

GARY finally breaks the silence.

GARY
Uhhhh….

ROD and FRANK hang on for his next word.

GARY
Who do we play next week?

ROD
New Orleans

GARY
Oh hell yeah, we should be able to kick the shit out of them!!!

Animated excited conversation resumes

BLACK OUT