INT. GRADE SCHOOL GYMNASIUM – AFTERNOON

PLAYERS, PARENTS, COACHES, REFEREES, and CAMERA CREWS crowd together in a small, grade school gymnasium during a third grade basketball game. About a dozen third grade boys are milling around the gym floor waiting for play to commence. Announcers, BOB and JIM, sit at a table on the side calling the game.

BOB

For those of you coming from the Syracuse-UConn game, you’re joining, in progress, ESPN’s coverage of the national third grade boys championship basketball game between Carver Elementary and Washington Academy.

JIM

Why you’ve been switched from the NCAA tournament to this is beyond my comprehension. But can I just say that it has been...well...a game thus far.

BOB

It certainly has. Right now, Carver leads Washington 8 to 4 with two minutes to go. Washington has the ball. Let’s see if they can catch up.

CUT TO:

Court floor. Washington player inbounds the ball to STEVIE JENNINGS who starts dribbling the ball very slowly down court to his basket. Almost immediately, Stevie trips. The whistle blows. Stevie is down on the floor holding his knee and crying.

BOB (O.S.)

Well, not thirty seconds into the game, and Washington’s point guard, Stevie Jennings, is down with what appears to be a pretty nasty scrape on his knee.

Stevie sits holding his knee and crying incomprehensibly. His face is red with snot running down his chin.

STEVIE

(incomprehensible crying)

Manakneewantahurts!

JIM (O.S.)

Looks like Stevie’s pretty shaken up. They may need to get Mom out here...

STEVIE

(screaming incomprehensibly)

Ma ha ham! Maaaham!

JIM (O.S.)

Soon.

BOB (O.S.)

Here comes Stevie’s mom onto the floor. I believe she has it...yes, she does. She’s got the juice box.

Stevie’s mom gives Stevie the juice box. Stevie calms down and sucks on the juice box while his mom carries him off court.

CUT TO:

Announcer’s table.

BOB

Well, it looks like Stevie’s out for the rest of the game.

JIM

The challenge will be for Washington to find someone to replace Stevie. As you mentioned, they’ve already lost three players today.

CUT TO:

Court floor. A relatively large, mean looking third grader, BILLY DUNN, walks out onto the court. Billy has a temporary tattoo that says “I Love My Mom.”

BOB (O.S.)

Wait...well, this is certainly a surprise. Washington is sending out resident bad boy, Billy Dunn, to fill in for Stevie Jenkins.

Billy pushes another Washington player out of the way as he walks to the middle of the court. Play commences.

BOB (O.S.)

This is quite interesting. Not known for his people skills, Billy has been in and out of detention all year. From what I understand, they’ve been trying to cut him from the team but he just keeps coming back. Frankly, I think they’re all a little scared of him.

JIM (O.S.)

Well, he is Washington’s top player this year scoring...five points with one assist? (pauses) Are you kidding me with this?

CUT TO:

Announcer’s table.

BOB

But he also has racked up an unbelievable list of fouls unheard of even in the NBA. Elbows, kidney punches, atomic wedgies...this kid’s done it all.

JIM

Still, Washington insists that Billy has been reformed, that he’s a changed kid...

A loud smack is heard down court.

CARVER PLAYER (O.S.)

Ow!

The referee, guiding him by the arm, walks an obviously disgruntled Billy past Bob and Jim’s announcer table.

BOB

Ouch! Well, that’s going to hurt Washington. With Billy out of the game, Washington is now short on players and may have to forfeit.

JIM

(saracastically)

What a shame.

BOB

Wait...

JIM

(throws his head back in frustration)

No.

CUT TO:

Court floor. The coaches confer with each other.

BOB (O.S.)

Looks like they’ve come to an agreement...yes, they’re going to continue with only four players on each side! Incredible! Only in third grade basketball.

Play commences.

JIM (O.S.)

One minute left in the game. Washington’s going to have to do something unbelievable to catch up to Carver.

Suddenly, all players scatter as Washington player, MIKEY MEYERS, stops, doubles over, and projectile vomits all over the floor.

ANNOUNCERS (O.S.)

Oh!

JIM (O.S.)

Well, that’s something you won’t see in the pros.

BOB (O.S.)

That’s Washington’s Mikey Meyers apparently not feeling well after his lunch of what looks like fish sticks and possibly a blue freeze pop. Mr. Art certainly has a nasty mess on his hands.

MR. ART, the old and frail janitor, slowly shuffles out to the court and dumps sawdust on the pile of vomit. Art cleans up the mess and shuffles back off the court. The kids swarm back on the court and play commences once again.

JIM (O.S.)

One minute left in the game...still. Washington’s ball. Wait...

Stevie Jennings comes running back out on the court.

JIM (O.S.)

Here comes Stevie Jennings! Unbelievable! That must have been some juice box.

BOB (O.S.)

They only need two baskets to tie.

Stevie takes the ball and dribbles it slowly down court.

JIM (O.S.)

Stevie dribbles the ball...he’s dribbling...and dribbling...

Stevie suddenly trips and lands flat on his face. The buzzer sounds. All stop and look at Stevie in anticipation. Stevie sits up seemingly okay but dazed. Suddenly, he lets out an otherworldly scream and starts crying harder than before. Mom runs out once again with the juice box.

CUT TO:

Announcer’s table.

BOB

Well, that’s it folks. In a somewhat anti-climactic end, Carver wins it 8 to 4.

Stevie continues to scream in the background.

JIM

Yes, march madness at its finest and in its most literal sense. (reading the teleprompter) Keep on this channel for upcoming coverage of the national Kindergarten . . . oh, what the hell?!