Sketch War

Author: rporter

  • FSW: New Pants

    Michael selected this week’s theme: back to school. I thought about using a scene from my spec sequel to the Rodney Dangerfield classic, but it’s just too good to waste on the likes of y’all. Instead I give you…

    NEW PANTS
    (TOM, early 40s with a comb-over and MEMBERS ONLY JACKET, and his son BRANDON, 11 and old enough to be embarrassed by his father, eat cereal at a kitchen table.)

    BRANDON
    But mom promised she’d take me to the mall this weekend!

    TOM
    I know sport, but your Aunt Tina hasn’t had her baby yet. Mom can’t just up and leave her right now, you know that.

    BRANDON
    I know. But school starts Tuesday and I don’t got new clothes.

    TOM
    (Gently chiding) Don’t have.

    BRANDON
    Sorry. I don’t have new clothes. It’s just it’s a new school and–

    TOM
    –and you don’t want to start it off on the wrong foot. I know. I remember what it’s like. I was a kid once too, you know. Tell you what, how about the old man takes you clothes shopping instead?

    BRANDON
    You?

    TOM
    Yes me! Your mom’s not the only fashion plate around this house, you know. Back in my single days I used to be a pretty snappy dresser. How else do you think I landed a babe like your mom?

    BRANDON
    I thought she felt bad her boyfriend ran you over?

    TOM
    Haha! Chuck didn’t run me over, he just dinged my Corolla up pretty good. Your mom was so sweet, making sure he finally paid me for the repairs. But by then it was too late. She was a victim of the Tom-bomb. (BEAT) So how about it sport? You and me, trolling the mall for chicks and clothes?

    BRANDON
    Eww…

    (Lights down and back up. Tom sits at the table, now piled with folded clothes. Brandon enters.)

    BRANDON
    What’s all this?

    TOM
    I figured it’s your last chance to sleep late before the school year starts and you’re busy all the time, so I didn’t wake you. But I was so excited, I went out and did all your clothes’ shopping for you!

    BRANDON
    You…what? But how did you–

    TOM
    –I had a little trouble finding you pants.

    (Brandon picks up a rugby shirt with bold stripes. He picks up six just like it as his father talks.)

    TOM
    Can you believe that mall your mom likes doesn’t have a Sears?

    (Brandon’s eyes widen in terror.)

    TOM
    Had to run over to the Shelbyville Town Centre, but they must have been out.

    BRANDON
    Out?

    TOM
    Yeah, that’s what we get for shopping so late, I guess. But don’t worry, I stopped by your gramma’s house and found my old stash.

    (You thought Brandon’s eyes were wide in terror before? They’re Tex Avery-like now! Lights down again and back up. Brandon wears one of the rugby shirts and a pair of tan Toughskins.)

    TOM
    You look sharp, Brand!

    BRANDON
    My knees! I can’t bend my knees!

    TOM
    Keep trying, you’ll break ’em in eventually!

    BLACKOUT

  • Friday Night Sketch War: Payroll Edition

    This week sees the return of the three-man battle royale edition, and to grease the skids for his reentry to the fight, David picked this week’s theme. And then? He just managed to set his bomb off with seconds to spare in the fight!

    Next week’s theme has been selected by Michael and is back to school. I think this is a good time for someone else to enter the fray with a surprise attack. We’re bloodied, weary, and too focused on the fight in front to see a sneak sketch from behind. If you want to try your luck next week, email your sketch, or a link to where it’s posted to sketchwar AT dreamloom.com by midnight on Friday.

    Read, learn, love. And get writing your own sketches, people. Clearly, anyone can do it.

  • FSW: Highway Robbery

    Not my best work. I’m going to leave it at that. I think it’s a cute-ish setup, and I don’t mind the payoff, but it’s clunky and clumsy and the dialog sucks. Sorry. Blame David for picking this week’s theme of payroll. Michael’s up for next week’s theme. My fingers are crossed that it doesn’t hurt quite like this one!
     

    (Payroll department. TIM, 30s and beige as the cubes and carpet of his department, sits at his desk. MARY, late 20s but holding tight to her early 20s, stands at his side.)
    TITLE: WELLS FARGO SOUTHWEST REGIONAL DATA CENTER, PAYROLL DEPARTMENT, PAYDAY, 11:59AM.

    MARY
    I don’t understand why we don’t just send out an email.

    TIM
    Corporate needs hard copies of everyone’s AR-13s, in triplicate.

    MARY
    Tree killers.

    TIM
    That’s just the way things are done. If we don’t get those in, no one’s getting paid next month.

    MARY
    I know, I know. I’ll take care of it. I just don’t know why it’s got to be this way.

    TIM
    Personally, I like doing things the old way. I like knowing I’ve got a file cabinet filled with all the documents I need to get us through any audit. What do you have with an email?

    (Gunfire announces the arrival of THREE COWPOKES, dusty, mustachioed, and 120 years too late. Ringleader DALE steps front and center and shoots his two six-shooters.)

    DALE
    Yeehah! Alright you lily-livered hangdogs. Hand over the loot.

    MARY
    Sir, you can’t fire guns in–

    (Dale shoots Mary. Dead.)

    DALE
    Yeehah!

    TIM
    (sighing)
    Great. Do you know how long it takes to train a good payroll clerk? What do you want.

    DALE
    We’re aimin’ to take your payroll off your hands, pardner.

    TIM
    Take our…you want to steal our payroll?

    DALE
    You betcha!
    (to henchmen)
    He ain’t the sharpest fella, is he?

    TIM
    You do realize that most of our employees just have direct deposit, right?

    DALE
    What in tarnation is that?

    TIM
    Pay is deposited directly into their bank accounts. No paychecks, no cash. All they get is a stub.

    DALE
    Goldang it all! The world’s just changin’ too fast for this ol’ outlaw.

    TIM
    I know how you feel.

    DALE
    I s’pose they get medical, too.

    TIM
    And dental.

    (Dale raises his eyebrow suggestively. Lights come down and back up. Tim sits alone at his desk. Dale comes up in the same dusty cowboy gear. He shoots into the air.)

    TITLE: WELLS FARGO SOUTHWEST REGIONAL DATA CENTER, PAYROLL DEPARTMENT, ONE WEEK LATER

    DALE
    Yeehah! Here are them AR-13s, boss!

    BLACKOUT

  • FSW: Walt and the Olympics

    Today’s the Disney-ABC deadline. My application got in the mail yesterday, but in honor of the day, I suggested that this week’s theme should be Disney. Hope you enjoy. Next week’s theme *should* be up to David, but if he’s not fully back in the battle, it’ll fall to Michael.
     

    (A lab. An odd mixture of modern and Gernsback-inspired equipment. THREE MEN in white lab coats hover over a metal tube. WALT DISNEY sleeps inside.)
    TITLE: TODAY. A TOP-SECRET LAB DEEP BENEATH EPCOT CENTER.

    PERRAULT
    His vitals are almost normal, he should be up any–

    (Walt pops up. A bell goes off.)

    WALT
    Oh boy, that was a good nap. Heya fellas.

    HAND
    It worked! It really worked!

    WALT
    Well of course it did, son. This is the best reanimation equipment money can buy. What’s the date?

    HAND
    2008. August 2008.

    WALT
    That was a little longer than I expected. Darn. Tell me, how’s the company doing? Did it get by alright once our copyrights went into the public domain?

    LUSKE
    Into the…no. Mr. Disney, we still have all our copyrights.

    WALT
    You did say 2008, right son?

    HAND
    Yessir.

    LUSKE
    You can thank Sonny Bono.

    PERRAULT
    Sonny Bono’s dead.

    HAND
    Actually, he’s in that tube over there.

    WALT
    Alright. So we’ve still got our characters. Good. What else. (BEAT) Hey! It’s 2008. It’s an Olympiad!

    HAND
    Yessir. Would you like to watch them while you’re finishing your recovery?

    WALT
    Sure! Who doesn’t love the Olympics?

    (A TV is turned on, and we hear Bob Costas spinning a melodramatic tale of woe over a John Tesh score. Walt’s face drops as he watches.)

    WALT
    Where the hell is Jim McKay?!?

    CUT TO:

    (Another lab room, the same mixture of high and sci-fi tech. Walt stands behind a bank of monitors and a board. The three techs operate the board.)
    TITLE: 2012. A TOP-SECRET LAB BENEATH EPCOT CENTER

    WALT
    Hit is, boys!

    (On the screens, we see an Animatronic JIM MCKAY.)

    MCKAY
    Hello. Welcome to ABC Sports coverage of the Thirtieth Olympiad. I’m Jim McKay.

    BLACKOUT

  • Friday Night Sketch War: Procrastina-a-tion…

    …is making me wait.

    It’s been a few weeks since I’ve done a Sketch War roundup, but we’ve been running strong. Michael and I have been fighting enameled-mouth-grinder and keratin-back-scratcher for weeks, and were happily rejoined by David and his rock-n-roll zombies this week.

    The rules have changed recently. Our weekly battles are now themed instead of free-for-alls. The theme for this week’s brawl was selected by Michael based on our usual approach to writing our sketches: procrastination. For those playing along at home and those of you brave enough to step onto the killing fields, next week’s theme is Disney. Write your Disney-themed sketch and send it, or a link to it, to sketchwar AT dreamloom.com. Now, onto the mayhem!

    Enjoy!

  • FSW: Spider

    This week’s topic, as chosen by Michael, is procrastination. Oddly enough, I didn’t wait until the last minute to write this. I’m sure you can’t tell based on its quality, however. A couple items of note: 

    • There were enough scene changes in here that trying to format as anything but a screenplay was irritating and hard to follow, so I did that and exported a pdf. If you can’t see the Scribd plugin below, please let me know in comments and I’ll gen a text version as well. If you like the way the Scribd plugin works for things like this, let me know that in comments. I might start using it for the occasional posting.
    • If y’all couldn’t guess, I’m joking here. Tom Kelly is a frakin’ hero to me, as are all the engineers who worked on Apollo, Gemini, and Mercury. I recommend his book Moon Lander: How We Developed the Apollo Lunar Module if engineering and project management are at all interesting to you.
    • Jim McDivitt and Rusty Schweickart flew LM-3, callsign Spider, in low Earth orbit while CM Pilot Dave Scott remained in Gumdrop on the 10-day Apollo 9 mission. This was the first manned flight of the LM and the little foil and mylar bastard passed with flying colors. (I’m exaggerating about its construction, again.)
    • Next week’s theme is…ah! Yes! In honor of what August 8 is, next week’s theme will be DISNEY.

    Read this document on Scribd: fsw spider

  • FSW: President Paul

    Um, well…so last week I selected the topic of cross dressing for this week’s sketches. Little did I know that it wasn’t an easy theme and I wouldn’t get my first opportunity to work on it until a half-hour ago. Ugh. It’s…okay. I treated it like an improv sketch and once I had the basis, just pushed forward without much concern about what was happening. It suffers from not having a really good through-line. Sorry. Next week, hopefully, I will have more time to write my sketch, but for now, take some small enjoyment from President Paul.


    (A crowded press room. Reporters crammed in, shoulder-to-shoulder. There’s a constant low-level murmur coming from them as they wait. As one, they all turn their heads and track someone moving to the podium. We’re still on the reporters.)

    REPORTER 1
    Mr. President! Mr. President! Chuck Masters, LA Times. President Paul, how do you respond to those who say your election was a fluke? That if Barack Obama and John McCain hadn’t been caught with their hands in Cookie Jar you would never have been anything more than a spoiler.

    (We cut to the podium. Standing behind the Seal of the President: Ru Paul.)

    PRESIDENT PAUL
    First off, baby, it’s Madame President! If Hilary had this much style she’d be standing here today. Second, I know Cookie Jar. She’s huge on the erotic dance circuit. Y’all’ve been treating her like a pariah and that’s not right. She’s a sweetie and it’s no wonder my former opponents were enthralled by her charms. As to your question, Chuck, let me say that I think the American public made an informed choice, an intelligent choice, and a choice they’ll be very happy with.

    REPORTER 2
    Madame President! Cindy Shermer, Miami Herald.

    PRESIDENT PAUL
    Go ahead, Cindy.

    REPORTER 2
    Madame President, you won Florida handily, dominating in Miami-Dade county. Is this another case of confusing ballots and people voting for the wrong candidate?

    PRESIDENT PAUL
    Cindy, you look awfully pale. You don’t get out much, get away from your computer screen, do you?

    REPORTER 2
    That’s not relevant. Are you avoiding my question, Madame President?

    PRESIDENT PAUL
    Not at all, Cindy. I’m trying to answer it. Maybe you should get outside sometime and walk around your beautiful city. That’s my city. My people. The freaks and fabs of Miami got up and voted for one of their own.

    REPORTER 2
    Are you saying you don’t think the Serpentine ballots might have had something to do with it? With your name right next to Ron Paul’s name?

    PRESIDENT PAUL
    Y’all think Miami and Fort Lauderdale would have voted in record numbers for a crazy man yelling about the gold standard? Why would they do that when they could vote for the real Gold Standard?

    REPORTER 3
    Madame President! Over here, please, Madame President! Pick me, pick me!

    PRESIDENT PAUL
    That’s more like it! Go ahead, Francesco.

    REPORTER 3
    Thank you, darling! Francesco Batisti, Vogue. Madame President, what do you say to the rumors that you plan on picking Ralph Lauren to be your Secretary of State?

    PRESIDENT PAUL
    Sounds like you’ve got a source deep, deep inside, Francesco! That’s right, I’m picking Ralph. He’s a little darling, and when I think how America should present herself to the world, I think Lauren.

    REPORTER 4
    Madame President! Thank you. Cal Trumbo, FOX News. What are your plans for the court? It is likely that two or three Supreme Court justices could be replaced during your term in office. What sort of candidates are you going to seek to fill those openings?

    PRESIDENT PAUL
    Cal, I’ll seek the same sort of candidates for those openings as for all my openings. Fabulous ones! Thank you all for coming, but I have to meet with the Joint Chiefs now!

    BLACKOUT

  • FSW: Working Through the Pain

    We’ve decided that writing a sketch a week, often a few hours before it’s due, isn’t nearly challenging enough. From now on, we’re going to write on set topics or themes. Michael’s picked this week’s theme: workaholics. I’ll go ahead and pick next week’s theme right now…cross dressing. (TheWife and I are going to see Eddie Izzard in Vegas next weekend.)

    I wish I had more time to give this a bit more polish, but it’s 10:45pm. I’m going to a 3:15am showing of “The Dark Knight” and need at least a little sleep. So my apologies for the rough edges.

    (Ravi, a surgeon in his early 30s in surgical whites, works on a patient with OR nurse Betty at his side. Anesthesiologist Karl sits on the other side of the operating table monitoring his equipment. Ravi is performing delicate brain surgery on Amanda. An intricate ballet occurs between Ravi and Betty. Her responses to his one word grunts for instruments occur almost before he makes them. His hands fly.)

    RAVI
    Retractor. Melman. (BEAT) Damn it! Where’s that priest?

    BETTY
    He should be here any moment. Are you sure you need him?

    RAVI
    Am I sure? Damn it, Betty – Debakey – don’t you think I know what I’m doing? Kimmel.

    BETTY
    It just seems too soon for a priest. You’re the best damn surgeon in the state. It’s too soon to give up.

    (Oh yeah, turns out this is the sort of brain surgery where the patient is awake.)

    AMANDA
    I’m right here!

    RAVI
    Take it easy, Amanda. Everything’s going fine.

    BETTY
    I’m sorry. I just think…well…I’m sorry.

    RAVI
    Damn it, Betty. That’s enough! Hemostat.

    (The door to the OR flies open and a man rushes in. He’s also dressed in surgical whites.)

    RAVI
    Father Rodriguez?

    (It’s not Father Rodriguez. It’s Chip, Amanda’s 20-something assistant.)

    CHIP
    No, sir. Amanda, there’s a problem in Singapore. I did what I could without you, but the foreman said if the worker’s demands aren’t met they’ll strike.

    AMANDA
    That’s alright Chip. Come on over here. Doctor Cheswick, you don’t mind if Chip takes your seat for a moment, do you?

    KARL
    But I have to watch this monitor here. See how it goes beep, beep, beep? If it stops, I have to press these switches and turn these dials. I can’t just–

    AMANDA
    –Thanks. Scoot. Alright Chip, what’s the skinny?

    RAVI
    Leno. Wipe, please.

    (Betty wipes Ravi’s brow with a piece of gauze held by forceps.)

    CHIP
    They’re demanding a six-percent cost of living raise–

    AMANDA
    –That’s doable.

    CHIP
    And Friday night off.

    BETTY
    I’m sorry, Doctor. I was out of line.

    RAVI
    That’s alright. It’s understandable. Balfour.

    AMANDA
    Friday night off? Every Friday? We can’t do that. We’d never meet the production goals.

    CHIP
    Actually, just this Friday. George Michael is playing Jalan Besar Stadium and they want to go.

    AMANDA
    The entire shift?

    CHIP
    Apparently George Michael is like the David Hasselhoff of Singapore. Singapore’s Germany in this analogy.

    AMANDA
    Fine. Do it. But every shift has to cut ten minutes off lunch for the next three weeks. Anything else?

    CHIP
    No, ma’am.

    (Chip gets up and Karl takes his seat back. He turns a few dials, but nothing happens. As Chip leaves, another man enters the OR – Father Rodriguez.)

    RAVI
    Finally! I was beginning to think you wouldn’t make it in time.

    FATHER RODRIGUEZ
    I came as quickly as I could, my son. Is this the woman?

    RAVI
    Yes. Amanda, this is Father Rodriguez.

    AMANDA
    I’d shake your hand, but I’m otherwise occupied.

    (Polite chuckles all around, but from Betty. She’s steamed.)

    RAVI
    Carson.

    FATHER RODRIGUEZ
    Ravi Srinivasan, do you take Amanda Palmer to be your lawfully wedded wife?

    BLACKOUT

  • FSW: Rules of Order

    (Amy stands at the head of a packed and unruly conference table. Everyone is talking over everyone else, trying to be heard above the din and chaos. Kurt sits quietly by Amy’s side.)

    AMY
    People! People! Please! Can we have order, please?!

    (She bangs her hand on the table and the chattering stops. Amy’s got control for the moment.)

    AMY
    Thank you. Alright, now as I was saying–

    STEVEN
    –Amy, look we’re not getting anywhere with this, right? Can I make a suggestion?

    AMY
    Sure, Steven. What do you–

    KURT
    (whispers) –he can’t talk yet.

    AMY
    What?

    KURT
    (still whispering) He hasn’t been recognized by the chair. He can’t talk.

    AMY
    But I’m the chair.

    KURT
    (still, like a weenie, whispering) You have to say it.

    AMY
    (sighs) Fine. The chair recognizes Mr. Denton.

    STEVEN
    Uh, right, okay. Where was I? Oh, yeah. I think we should just put it to a vote whether we should even use the money from the bake sale for new band uniforms. I think it should help pay for the field trip to the capitol, and why should we fight over band uniforms if we aren’t even going to have the money to buy them?

    AMY
    Okay. Anything to just get on to the next agenda item. Who thinks we should buy new uniforms? Raise your hand.

    KURT
    (whispering…seriously? what’s with this guy?) You can’t do that! He has to make a motion first, then it has to be seconded. We’re nowhere near voting on it.

    AMY
    You’re serious? We’ve been at this for two hours already. Let’s just try to make some headway. Don’t you want to go home to your family? I know I’d love to get the hell out of here and get a drink or three.

    KURT
    (whispering…now he’s just doing it to piss me off) As much as I love my wife and kids, I love RONR. Without it, we’d be no better than savages!

    (Kurt holds up his copy of “Robert’s Rules of Order Newly Revised” triumphantly and Amy considers it seriously for a moment. Then she snatches the book from the little twerp’s hand and CONKS him over the head with it. Kurt’s knocked backward and knocked out.)

    AMY
    Okay, everyone raise your hand if you think we should buy uniforms.

    BLACKOUT

    LIGHTS UP 

    (Same configuration as before, only now Kurt sits a little farther from Amy. Everyone is dressed differently: another week, another meeting.)

    AMY
    Alright, our first order of business tonight–

    KURT
    Ahem. Excuse me?

    AMY
    (sighs) The chair recognizes Mr. Burton.

    KURT
    After last week’s meeting I had a lot of time to think. After I came to, anyway. And I think you were right, Madam Chair. I think for our little PTA, RONR is just too cumbersome and formal. So I’d like to propose we change to the Native American model.

    AMY
    What’s that, Kurt?

    (Kurt picks up a large stick from behind his chair and holds it up.)

    KURT
    The Talking Stick. Whoever holds the stick can speak. No one else can speak without the stick. It gets passed around to each person in turn who can speak, or elect not to. It’s very fair.

    (Amy holds out her hand for the stick. Kurt hands it over.)

    AMY
    Hmm. I see what you mean. This does seem better than that fussy little book.

    (Amy CONKS Kurt with the talking stick. Over and out.)

    AMY (CONT’D)
    Okay. First order of business tonight is the pancake breakfast.

    BLACKOUT

  • Friday Night Sketch War: July 4th Edition

    The fireworks for our nation’s celebration paled in comparison to the fireworks on display in this week’s two-man dustup. Two warriors, using every weapon in their arsenals in an all-out battle for ultimate victory!

    • Coyote launched the first attack, a Roman Candle of Vengeance, and a dozen Sparklers of the Undead…
    • Michael retaliated with a barrage of M80s of Destruction and a Cinnamon Sizzler!

    We’ve got the true story of our nation’s founding and the maybe true story of Michael’s first date. Poor guy. That’s gotta sting.