Michael selected this week’s theme: back to school. I thought about using a scene from my spec sequel to the Rodney Dangerfield classic, but it’s just too good to waste on the likes of y’all. Instead I give you…

NEW PANTS
(TOM, early 40s with a comb-over and MEMBERS ONLY JACKET, and his son BRANDON, 11 and old enough to be embarrassed by his father, eat cereal at a kitchen table.)

BRANDON
But mom promised she’d take me to the mall this weekend!

TOM
I know sport, but your Aunt Tina hasn’t had her baby yet. Mom can’t just up and leave her right now, you know that.

BRANDON
I know. But school starts Tuesday and I don’t got new clothes.

TOM
(Gently chiding) Don’t have.

BRANDON
Sorry. I don’t have new clothes. It’s just it’s a new school and–

TOM
–and you don’t want to start it off on the wrong foot. I know. I remember what it’s like. I was a kid once too, you know. Tell you what, how about the old man takes you clothes shopping instead?

BRANDON
You?

TOM
Yes me! Your mom’s not the only fashion plate around this house, you know. Back in my single days I used to be a pretty snappy dresser. How else do you think I landed a babe like your mom?

BRANDON
I thought she felt bad her boyfriend ran you over?

TOM
Haha! Chuck didn’t run me over, he just dinged my Corolla up pretty good. Your mom was so sweet, making sure he finally paid me for the repairs. But by then it was too late. She was a victim of the Tom-bomb. (BEAT) So how about it sport? You and me, trolling the mall for chicks and clothes?

BRANDON
Eww…

(Lights down and back up. Tom sits at the table, now piled with folded clothes. Brandon enters.)

BRANDON
What’s all this?

TOM
I figured it’s your last chance to sleep late before the school year starts and you’re busy all the time, so I didn’t wake you. But I was so excited, I went out and did all your clothes’ shopping for you!

BRANDON
You…what? But how did you–

TOM
–I had a little trouble finding you pants.

(Brandon picks up a rugby shirt with bold stripes. He picks up six just like it as his father talks.)

TOM
Can you believe that mall your mom likes doesn’t have a Sears?

(Brandon’s eyes widen in terror.)

TOM
Had to run over to the Shelbyville Town Centre, but they must have been out.

BRANDON
Out?

TOM
Yeah, that’s what we get for shopping so late, I guess. But don’t worry, I stopped by your gramma’s house and found my old stash.

(You thought Brandon’s eyes were wide in terror before? They’re Tex Avery-like now! Lights down again and back up. Brandon wears one of the rugby shirts and a pair of tan Toughskins.)

TOM
You look sharp, Brand!

BRANDON
My knees! I can’t bend my knees!

TOM
Keep trying, you’ll break ’em in eventually!

BLACKOUT