Um, well…so last week I selected the topic of cross dressing for this week’s sketches. Little did I know that it wasn’t an easy theme and I wouldn’t get my first opportunity to work on it until a half-hour ago. Ugh. It’s…okay. I treated it like an improv sketch and once I had the basis, just pushed forward without much concern about what was happening. It suffers from not having a really good through-line. Sorry. Next week, hopefully, I will have more time to write my sketch, but for now, take some small enjoyment from President Paul.


(A crowded press room. Reporters crammed in, shoulder-to-shoulder. There’s a constant low-level murmur coming from them as they wait. As one, they all turn their heads and track someone moving to the podium. We’re still on the reporters.)

REPORTER 1
Mr. President! Mr. President! Chuck Masters, LA Times. President Paul, how do you respond to those who say your election was a fluke? That if Barack Obama and John McCain hadn’t been caught with their hands in Cookie Jar you would never have been anything more than a spoiler.

(We cut to the podium. Standing behind the Seal of the President: Ru Paul.)

PRESIDENT PAUL
First off, baby, it’s Madame President! If Hilary had this much style she’d be standing here today. Second, I know Cookie Jar. She’s huge on the erotic dance circuit. Y’all’ve been treating her like a pariah and that’s not right. She’s a sweetie and it’s no wonder my former opponents were enthralled by her charms. As to your question, Chuck, let me say that I think the American public made an informed choice, an intelligent choice, and a choice they’ll be very happy with.

REPORTER 2
Madame President! Cindy Shermer, Miami Herald.

PRESIDENT PAUL
Go ahead, Cindy.

REPORTER 2
Madame President, you won Florida handily, dominating in Miami-Dade county. Is this another case of confusing ballots and people voting for the wrong candidate?

PRESIDENT PAUL
Cindy, you look awfully pale. You don’t get out much, get away from your computer screen, do you?

REPORTER 2
That’s not relevant. Are you avoiding my question, Madame President?

PRESIDENT PAUL
Not at all, Cindy. I’m trying to answer it. Maybe you should get outside sometime and walk around your beautiful city. That’s my city. My people. The freaks and fabs of Miami got up and voted for one of their own.

REPORTER 2
Are you saying you don’t think the Serpentine ballots might have had something to do with it? With your name right next to Ron Paul’s name?

PRESIDENT PAUL
Y’all think Miami and Fort Lauderdale would have voted in record numbers for a crazy man yelling about the gold standard? Why would they do that when they could vote for the real Gold Standard?

REPORTER 3
Madame President! Over here, please, Madame President! Pick me, pick me!

PRESIDENT PAUL
That’s more like it! Go ahead, Francesco.

REPORTER 3
Thank you, darling! Francesco Batisti, Vogue. Madame President, what do you say to the rumors that you plan on picking Ralph Lauren to be your Secretary of State?

PRESIDENT PAUL
Sounds like you’ve got a source deep, deep inside, Francesco! That’s right, I’m picking Ralph. He’s a little darling, and when I think how America should present herself to the world, I think Lauren.

REPORTER 4
Madame President! Thank you. Cal Trumbo, FOX News. What are your plans for the court? It is likely that two or three Supreme Court justices could be replaced during your term in office. What sort of candidates are you going to seek to fill those openings?

PRESIDENT PAUL
Cal, I’ll seek the same sort of candidates for those openings as for all my openings. Fabulous ones! Thank you all for coming, but I have to meet with the Joint Chiefs now!

BLACKOUT