We’ve decided that writing a sketch a week, often a few hours before it’s due, isn’t nearly challenging enough. From now on, we’re going to write on set topics or themes. Michael’s picked this week’s theme: workaholics. I’ll go ahead and pick next week’s theme right now…cross dressing. (TheWife and I are going to see Eddie Izzard in Vegas next weekend.)
I wish I had more time to give this a bit more polish, but it’s 10:45pm. I’m going to a 3:15am showing of “The Dark Knight” and need at least a little sleep. So my apologies for the rough edges.
(Ravi, a surgeon in his early 30s in surgical whites, works on a patient with OR nurse Betty at his side. Anesthesiologist Karl sits on the other side of the operating table monitoring his equipment. Ravi is performing delicate brain surgery on Amanda. An intricate ballet occurs between Ravi and Betty. Her responses to his one word grunts for instruments occur almost before he makes them. His hands fly.)
RAVI
Retractor. Melman. (BEAT) Damn it! Where’s that priest?
BETTY
He should be here any moment. Are you sure you need him?
RAVI
Am I sure? Damn it, Betty – Debakey – don’t you think I know what I’m doing? Kimmel.
BETTY
It just seems too soon for a priest. You’re the best damn surgeon in the state. It’s too soon to give up.
(Oh yeah, turns out this is the sort of brain surgery where the patient is awake.)
AMANDA
I’m right here!
RAVI
Take it easy, Amanda. Everything’s going fine.
BETTY
I’m sorry. I just think…well…I’m sorry.
RAVI
Damn it, Betty. That’s enough! Hemostat.
(The door to the OR flies open and a man rushes in. He’s also dressed in surgical whites.)
RAVI
Father Rodriguez?
(It’s not Father Rodriguez. It’s Chip, Amanda’s 20-something assistant.)
CHIP
No, sir. Amanda, there’s a problem in Singapore. I did what I could without you, but the foreman said if the worker’s demands aren’t met they’ll strike.
AMANDA
That’s alright Chip. Come on over here. Doctor Cheswick, you don’t mind if Chip takes your seat for a moment, do you?
KARL
But I have to watch this monitor here. See how it goes beep, beep, beep? If it stops, I have to press these switches and turn these dials. I can’t just–
AMANDA
–Thanks. Scoot. Alright Chip, what’s the skinny?
RAVI
Leno. Wipe, please.
(Betty wipes Ravi’s brow with a piece of gauze held by forceps.)
CHIP
They’re demanding a six-percent cost of living raise–
AMANDA
–That’s doable.
CHIP
And Friday night off.
BETTY
I’m sorry, Doctor. I was out of line.
RAVI
That’s alright. It’s understandable. Balfour.
AMANDA
Friday night off? Every Friday? We can’t do that. We’d never meet the production goals.
CHIP
Actually, just this Friday. George Michael is playing Jalan Besar Stadium and they want to go.
AMANDA
The entire shift?
CHIP
Apparently George Michael is like the David Hasselhoff of Singapore. Singapore’s Germany in this analogy.
AMANDA
Fine. Do it. But every shift has to cut ten minutes off lunch for the next three weeks. Anything else?
CHIP
No, ma’am.
(Chip gets up and Karl takes his seat back. He turns a few dials, but nothing happens. As Chip leaves, another man enters the OR – Father Rodriguez.)
RAVI
Finally! I was beginning to think you wouldn’t make it in time.
FATHER RODRIGUEZ
I came as quickly as I could, my son. Is this the woman?
RAVI
Yes. Amanda, this is Father Rodriguez.
AMANDA
I’d shake your hand, but I’m otherwise occupied.
(Polite chuckles all around, but from Betty. She’s steamed.)
RAVI
Carson.
FATHER RODRIGUEZ
Ravi Srinivasan, do you take Amanda Palmer to be your lawfully wedded wife?
BLACKOUT