Sketch War

Author: rporter

  • Friday Night Sketch War: Round Ten

    Oh, the humanity!

    Three score and three days ago Michael and I brought forth on this internet a new challenge, conceived in Comedy, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created funny.

    Now we are engaged in a great comic war, testing whether that challenge, or any challenge, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that challenge might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

    But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate – we can not consecrate – we can not hallow – this web. The brave men and women, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here…

    • Red led a cavalry charge into the thickets early…
    • Coyote performed valiant but futile battlefield surgery on the wounded…
    • Michael schemed and planned and plotted and napped through it all…
    • David surveyed the great loss of life and limb from high above.

    This week we’ve got babes in naves, doctors on telly, great warriors felled by beautiful maidens, and a little man in a boat.

    If you feel my usage of this great speech for such a trivial adventure was sacrilegious, please go here to see it in its intended glory here.

  • FSW: Five for Health: Homemade Drugs

    This one’s a bit different. Most of you reading this should (hopefully) note a passing similarity to a certain television doctor and insane performer. This sketch had originally been intended as part of a C-story for a spec, but I’ve never been happy with my plans for the A-story and have put that spec on a back burner. I never wrote this bit out, but had a good chunk of it in my head and figured I might as well put it to use. Hope y’all enjoy.

    Five for Health: Homemade Drugs
    (Dr. Cyrill O’Syban stands behind a lab bench wearing a white coat and goggles. There are beakers, test tubes, and a bunsen burner on the bench.)

    CYRILL
    Hi. I’m Dr. Cyrill O’Syban. I’m a working physician with a degree from the Bangalore School of Medicine. If you’re like most people, then you’re tired of making pharmaceutical fatcats rich just to stop your headache or cure your hangover. I’m here today to show you how to make your own perfectly safe alternatives in your own kitchen or garage.

    (Cut to animated credits which play with upbeat music over. We see an animated caricature of Dr. Cyrill O’Syban in white coat performing various tasks with quick cuts and wipes from action to action:
    – taking a red-faced, sweaty patient’s temperature; the mercury thermometer explodes
    – performing the Heimlich in a restaurant on a very fat man; a huge meatball flies out of his mouth
    – using a defibrillator on a patient; he lives
    – handing a lollipop to a small girl; she smiles and shoots rainbows out her eyes
    Animated Cyrill turns to the camera.)

    ANIMATED CYRILL
    I went to medical school, so you don’t have to.

    (Cut to the real Cyrill. The final strains of the theme music finish and the titles read “FIVE FOR HEALTH WITH DR. CY”)

    CYRILL
    Nothing is more of a drag then seasonal allergies. This first home brew will cut right through that foggy head. We start with some over the counter allergy pills.

    (During the following dialog, Cyrill takes some pills out of a box and crushes them into a beaker, then with gloves and tongs he pours from a bottle into the beaker. Smoke pours out.)

    CYRILL
    Take those out of the package and crush them up into a microwave safe container. Now carefully pour some bleach in and stir. What you want to see are small crystals just starting to form.

    DIRECTOR
    Cut! Cut! What the hell…are you making crystal meth? You can’t do that on television!

    CYRILL
    No, it’s fine. It’s just for allergies. It’s perfectly safe.

    DIRECTOR
    If it’s just for allergies, why don’t you just tell them to take the allergy pills?

    CYRILL
    This is much faster acting and lasts twice as long. It’s because the anti-allergy chemicals get to the source faster when you smoke them.

    DIRECTOR
    No! Skip this one. What else have you got?

    CYRILL
    A mixture of cough syrup, tang, and goat’s milk.

    DIRECTOR
    What’s that for?

    CYRILL
    You put two drops in each eye and you can stay up for 72 hours. That’s how I got through finals at good old Bang U.

    JACKSON (O.S.)
    No, no, no. You can’t make the Hedgehog on TV!

    (Jackson Tyler enters with his entourage in tow. He’s wearing a retro jersey, white kicks, jeans, and a lot of bling.)

    CYRILL
    Hello, Jackson. What are you doing here?

    JACKSON
    Shooting a video for my new song, “Bernanke’s a Bitch”. Subprime crisis is killing my portfolio!

    ENTOURAGE MEMBER #1
    Word.

    JACKSON
    Heard you were here and thought I’d see if our package came in from Brazil yet. But then I saw what you were doing! Cops’ll shut you down if you make that on TV.

    CYRILL
    It never occurred to me. I guess I’ll just cut that one out, too.

    JACKSON
    What else you got, Cyrill O’Syban?

    CYRILL
    Ground up walnuts, ammonia, listerine, and lime je–

    JACKSON
    –British Navy. No way.

    CYRILL
    A tea made from oregano, thyme, brake dust, and nose hairs–

    JACKSON
    –Toon pang! Nope.

    CYRILL
    Crushed D-cell batteries, “Sanford and Son” on Betamax–

    JACKSON
    –Root beer?

    CYRILL
    Sprite.

    JACKSON
    That’s even worse! That stuff will mess you up! I had a cousin got hooked on “Lizbeth” and now she just chews her toenails and watches “Ellen” all day. She voted for George Bush! Twice.

    CYRILL
    I, I just didn’t know Tyler. So what do you think I should do for today’s segment?

    (Cut to Cyrill sitting behind a desk.)

    CYRILL
    Today on “Five for Health” we’re going to discuss the health benefits of oral sex. So start your TiVos now, ladies!

    BLACKOUT

  • Friday Night Sketch War: Round Nine

    We’ve got an interesting battle this week. Back from the brink of doom (probably after making a Mephistophelian deal) Michael is firing on all cylinders. Red’s got a new home on the web, but didn’t join in the festivities. David channeled his inner Sondheim. It was a slugfest out there today…

    • Michael launched an early salvo on Thursday, setting off EM devices in the atmo…
    • Coyote scrambled bombers out of a secret Antarctic base while Crystal Palace struggled to come back online…
    • Michael fired rail guns from orbit, leveling Cleveland and Minsk…
    • David launched every missile out of every attack-hardened silo, leaving the Earth a smoking cinder.

    There was a lot of pain, crying, and gnashing of teeth today. We lost a lot of good people (and a lot of deadwood too…nukes and railguns are indiscriminate.) Hapkido, shotguns, fisticuffs, and song were the weapons of choice this week, my good readers. Go forth and be amused.

  • FSW: Barista Blues

    Barista Blues
    (Meg and Dex stand behind the counter of an upscale coffee house. He: late 20s, detached and jaded hipster. She: 18, fresh-faced, straight from the farmland. Dex is showing Meg how the brewing equipment works.)

    MEG
    It’s not a lot different from the one back at the Starbucks in Grover’s Corners. I should be able to run it. Thanks, Dex. I’m so excited!

    DEX
    It’s not that exciting. You brew, you steam, you move them along.

    MEG
    I don’t mean that! I mean I’ve only been in LA three days and I’ve already got a great job! My parents said I’d end up broke and have to come home and become a dental hygienist, but now I won’t have to.

    DEX
    I wouldn’t call this a great job.

    MEG
    But it is! Six days from six to two leaves me plenty of time to audition, and find a place to perform. Plus when Sol hired me he said I’d get to sing on the stage here, too!

    DEX
    (Laughing to himself) I remember that. By the time you get out of here, you won’t have the energy left to do much of anything. Besides, with what Sol pays you, you’ll end up taking extra shifts just to afford Ramen. And singing on that little stage over there…it’s just more scut work.

    MEG
    You’re a gloomy gus, aren’t you!

    DEX
    I’m opening up. Get ready.

    (Dex goes to the door and opens it up. A small line of movers and shakers has already formed. Each and everyone tapping furiously on his Blackberry or talking fervently on her Bluetooth. First in line is a smarmy, slimy man. Pretty much like everyone in line who isn’t a smarmy, slimy woman.)

    MEG
    Good Morning! What can I get for you today?

    ARI
    (Looking up and seeing fresh meat) Well, good morning princess. I’m Ari. Here’s my card. Call me sometime. I’d love to represent you.

    (Meg takes the card and beams broadly. She holds it up and glances at Dex who shakes his head in bemusement.)

    MEG
    I will call you, thank you! I’m an actress, and a singer-songwriter, and a —

    ARI
    — that’s great, babe. Tell it to my assistant when you call, okay?

    MEG
    Yes, sir! What can I get for you today?

    ARI
    I’ll have the usual, babe.

    (Ari smiles to himself at his unoriginal and unclever joke. Meg starts cackling in earnest.)

    MEG
    Wow! You’re funny!

    ARI
    Just make it a large coffee.

    (Meg pours and hands the coffee over to Ari, who then moves to the register to pay. Slimeball steps up.)

    SLIMEBALL
    I’ll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf…with a twist of lemon.

    (Slimeball waits expectantly…and Meg laughs.)

    MEG
    Oh, I love that movie! That’s great!

    SLIMEBALL
    Maybe you’d like to watch it with me sometime. Here’s my card. Call me. I’m an agent.

    MEG
    Thanks! Oh, I’ve got to go in back to get a lemon. I’ll just be one —

    SLIMEBALL
    — Actually, I’ll just have a large coffee.

    (Meg pours his coffee and hands it over. Sleazebag steps up.)

    SLEAZEBAG
    (Smiling to himself) I’ll have the usual.

    BLACKOUT

    LIGHTS UP
    (It’s later the same day, Meg’s hair is messed and there are coffee stains on her shirt. She looks harried. D-Bag steps up to the counter.)

    D-BAG
    I’ll have the usual.

    (Meg shows teeth, but it’s not a smile. Dex comes over to Meg.)

    DEX
    I’ll take this one. Sol wants some music.

    MEG
    (Cheered up immediately) That’s great! To tell you the truth, I could use the break. I have some great new songs I’ve been working on, too.

    DEX
    Didn’t Sol tell you? You’re just supposed to play that song “Bad Day”. Maybe some John Mayer when he’s in the mood, but that rarely happens.

    BLACKOUT

    LIGHTS UP
    (Some time has passed. Meg’s hair is spiky and parti-colored and she’s got a tattoo showing on her upper arm. She’s sleeveless now, and in general looks a bit skankier. She’s showing the tat to Dex.)

    MEG
    It hurt a lot. They don’t tell you that. But it’s pretty cool, don’t you think?

    DEX
    It’s nice.

    MEG
    I can’t wait till my friends back home see this! They’ll flip!

    DEX
    How was your audition on Friday?

    MEG
    I didn’t get the part. I don’t get it. There are movies and plays and TV shows all over, but there aren’t that many auditions.

    (Dex smiles to himself.)

    MEG
    Oh, I’ve gotta tell you! Last night at the club —

    DEX
    — that karaoke bar out in the valley?

    MEG
    Yeah. So anyway, I was DJ-ing and this group of really hot girls and guys came in and sang. One of the girls had this amazing voice and I asked her if she sang professionally. She just laughed and said it didn’t pay enough. (Stage whispers to Dex) She told me she did porn! Can you believe it?

    (Slimeball walks up with a few people behind him.)

    SLIMEBALL
    Hey, babe! How ya doing? You’re looking good today.

    MEG
    Oh, hey. Large coffee?

    SLIMEBALL
    Nah. I think I’ll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf —

    MEG
    — with a twist of lemon?

    SLIMEBALL
    Heh! You caught me. Actually, how about I get you something? Dinner?

    MEG
    Oh, I don’t know. I really shouldn’t. We’re not supposed to date the customers.

    (The people in line begin to grumble. Their very busy, very important lives are being put on hold with this inane chatter. Meg goes ahead and pours him a large coffee.)

    SLIMEBALL
    Well, I’ll keep asking anyway.

    DEX
    Meg, Sol wants another set.

    (Meg sighs deeply, grabs her guitar and heads for the stage. As the lights fade, we hear the opening bars of “Bad Day”.)

    BLACKOUT

    LIGHTS UP
    (Meg’s now got a full sleeve tat, a lip and two eye piercings, and a tat around her navel. She’s sleeveless and cropped. Slimeball is at the front of the line.)

    SLIMEBALL
    (Quietly, looking down) Large coffee please.

    MEG
    (Glaring…then finally exploding) You could have at least called me the next day! You said you’d call! Jesus. Damn it, you could at least look me in the eyes when you order your coffee!

    (Meg pours his coffee and slams it down on the counter. Slimeball slinks away to pay and the next customer steps up.)

    MEGADOUCHE
    Hello! I’ll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf…with a twist of lemon!

    (Meg screams, reaches below the counter, comes up with a shotgun and shoots him. Silence and stillness for a few seconds.)

    DEX
    I’ll clean that up. Sol wants you to do a set.

    BLACKOUT

  • Friday Night Sketch War: Round Eight

    I’d been holding off on reporting the results of this week’s battle in hopes that Michael would make it out of the M*A*S*H unit, where he was playing grab ass with Hot Lips Houlihan, in time to post. He’s been under the weather this week, and in Chicago, there’s been a LOT of weather this week under which to be.

    But then I remembered that even if he did make it out, he was meeting up with the brothers from the Water Buffalo Lodge for a Bowl-A-Thon. So hold back, I shall no more!

    • Coyote rises to periscope depth and fires a torpedo…
    • David and Leonardo DiCaprio drop depth charges from their battleship…
    • Red surprises the combatants with a fuel-air bomb dropped from a B-52.

    That’s right: someone new tossed her hat in the ring! Finally, PHX can represent with two mirth agents against the combined might of the Chicago comedy mafia! (I’ll nag her to get her own damn blog next time.)

    What’s that you ask? What have we got this week? Bad gifts, guy talk, and people who dress funny!

  • FSW: Someone New Enters the Battle!

    Wow. Someone (not the two people I was actually targeting, but someone) felt called out this week and decided to send in a sketch. It’s her first shot at sketch comedy, but I thought it was pretty decent. She’s homepageless at the moment, so I’m going to paste it below. Everyone, please give a warm welcome to our newest battler, Red. (I’m not going to include her email address as she suggested, because I fear she’d send money to all the deposed Nigerian princes who would contact her.)

    The Meeting
    (Two women and a man sit at a conference table wearing business casual attire. Ms Willson rushes in and stands at the head of the table, where we can only see her back. The other three get odd expressions on their faces, and glance between each other and Ms Willson. Smiles slowly creep across their faces.)

    MS WILLSON
    Is something funny? We have serious business to attend to, and since I am behind schedule we really don’t have time to have this conversation. (Brianne raises her hand.) Yes, Brianne, do you have something to say, and is it pertinent to the meeting?

    BRIANNE
    Well, I just wanted to tell you that–

    MS WILLSON
    –If it’s not about the meeting, I don’t want to hear it.

    (Ms Willson ad-libs on sales figures and clients for a few moments. The others continue to smile.)

    MS WILLSON
    The fact that our sales numbers are down, is that something you find amusing, Charlie?

    CHARLIE
    (Stammers) No, no, that’s not funny at all. It’s just that…

    MS WILLSON
    Just that what? Really, is this a case of Friday afternoon happy hour anticipation or are you all just on something?

    (They stare at the floor, holding back snickers.)

    MARIE
    Well, Ms Willson, what we’ve been trying to tell you, is that it’s hard to focus on sales numbers when your dress is tucked into your pantyhose and we can see your underwear. Is today Monday or Friday because I can’t tell from what you are wearing?

    (Ms Willson turns away from the table to face us and looks down. Her dress is tucked into her pantyhose in front and the front or her underwear is visible. We can clearly read the word “Monday” printed all over them.)

    MS WILLSON
    Ah, well. Thanks Marie, and all, sorry I didn’t let you speak sooner. (She heads to the door.) I’ll be right back…

    (The three co-workers burst into laughter.)

    BLACKOUT

  • FSW: An Awkward Birthday

    Same spiel as every week. If anyone feels up to putting her sketch talents to the test, please email a link, or the body of your sketch if you have no place to post it, to sketchwar_at_dreamloom_dot_com. The results of the battle will be posted sometime Friday evening.

    An Awkward Birthday
    (Rob and Jean sit at a kitchen table with shreds of wrapping paper lying visible on the floor. He: mid 20s, wearing a plaid flannel shirt, jeans, and glasses. She: early 20s, hair in a ponytail, white blouse, jeans.)

    ROB
    I thought you’d like it.

    JEAN
    How could…are you crazy? What would make you think I’d want…that?

    ROB
    I don’t know. You’re, it’s just that —

    (They freeze. A man in his 40s with touches of silver at the temples of his perfectly combed hair enters and crosses to stand behind Rob’s right shoulder. He is dressed identically to Rob, though his shirt is neatly tucked and buttoned all the way to the top.)

    ROB-2
    It’s just that you’re a difficult person for whom to shop.

    (Jean remains frozen, but Rob turns to look at his doppelganger.)

    ROB
    “For whom to shop?” Are you fucking kidding me? Look at her! She’s already pissed off and now you want me to talk like an English professor in the middle of a fight?

    ROB-2
    There is no wrong time for good grammar.

    ROB
    Right. Well I think I’m going to take this one myself if you don’t mind.

    (Jean unfreezes.)

    ROB (CONT)
    — you’re a hard person to shop for.

    JEAN
    Hard? Hard how? Look around the apartment, Rob. Look over there on the counter. What do you see?

    ROB
    A pile of magazines?

    JEAN
    Catalogs. They’re catalogs. With pages conveniently folded so you can see what I like. Trust me when I tell you not one of those catalogs has anything like…that.

    ROB-2
    She has a point.

    ROB
    (Glares at Rob-2) But Jeannie, if I just get you something from one of those, it’s like I put no thought in it at all. You might as well just take a card from my wallet and order it yourself. I thought I could surprise you with something different. Something personal.

    (Jean freezes. A third man appears, dressed the same but with his shirt completely undone and hair mussed. This one is 17 or 18. He stands behind Rob’s left shoulder.)

    ROB-3
    Dude! Tell her how long it took!

    ROB
    Not now.

    ROB-3
    Tell her, man. An hour, just standing there with that stuff slathered on.

    ROB
    I wish I was at work.

    ROB-2
    Were at work. You wish you were at work.

    ROB-3
    Nice hair, grandpa. You put Crisco in that?

    ROB-2
    Get a job!

    (Jean unfreezes.)

    JEAN
    You know I don’t…do that. Why would you buy me a dildo?

    ROB
    That’s just it! It’s not just a dildo! It’s an exact replica of me!

    JEAN
    What?

    ROB-3
    Tell her about the latex!

    JEAN
    What are you talking about?

    ROB
    Intimate Expressions – the sex shop by the Greyhound station – they have this new thing where they take casts of–

    JEAN
    –So now you’re hanging out at sex shops?!?

    (Rob-2 and Rob-3 both take a single, large step backwards.)

    ROB
    Just the one. I mean, no! I heard about it on the radio, is all. I swear. At Valentine’s Day they were talking about it and I thought it’d be something you’d like. You always say how much you miss me when I work nights–

    JEAN
    –So you thought you could give me a rubber–

    ROB-3
    –Latex

    ROB
    Latex

    JEAN
    –latex version of your dick and that’d be alright? That’s what you thought I meant when I said I missed you?

    ROB
    I just wanted–

    ROB-2
    –I just wanted, finally, to give you some memento to remind you of me.

    ROB
    Seriously! Who talks like that?

    ROB-3
    Tell her about the hot chick who took the mold!

    ROB
    Guys, really, I think I’ve got this. Thanks for all your help.

    I just wanted to finally give you something special. I screwed up. Again. I’m sorry. Here, I’ll throw it out.

    (Rob extends his hand. Everyone freezes. A woman who looks just like Jean enters and crosses to stand behind Jean. She holds out her hand.)

    JEAN-2
    Oh hell no! If you’re not going to use it, then give it to me!

    BLACKOUT

  • Friday Night Sketch War: Round Seven

    After last week’s two-man wrecking crew, this week we’re back to three combatants. Still, there were some lingering personal, health, and weather issues keeping the warriors from fighting at peak form. See for yourselves as…

    • Coyote rouses the team to fight, fight, fight…
    • David tells it like it is…
    • Michael shows us it really is a wonderful war.

    This week we’ve got the greatest coach ever, the greatest boyfriend ever, and the greatest ¿angel? ever.

  • FSW: The Pep Talk

    I’d like to pre-apologize for this sketch. My week so far:

    • dirty, nasty unclean hands of a salad chef (I believe that was the source) gave me salmonella on Tuesday
    • I tried desperately to give it back, all of it back, on Wednesday (and today)
    • Got to work at 4am this morning so I could make it home in time to watch the tourney (when is this Highest of High Holy Days going to be made a national holiday?!?)
    • Watched a shitload of basketball (meanwhile, I frequently unloaded much shit)
    • Hammered out this sketch while watching WVU kick UA’s asses!!! (I hate the Pac-10.)

    So yeah, it’s not very good. 🙁

    The Pep Talk
    (Locker room, we see the backs of a few players sitting quietly, heads bowed. Coach Lou Calipahounewski walks in with a clipboard and a disgusted look on his face. He stands in front of the players silently for a few seconds, shaking his head.)

    COACH
    That has got to be the most godawful half of basketball I’ve ever seen. What the fuck are you doing out there? Can you tell me that? Can anyone answer me that? What the fuck are you —

    PLAYER 1
    — they’re just too —

    COACH
    — if I wanted you to speak, I’d ask a goddamn question! Did I ask a goddamn question?

    (Tick, tick, tick)

    COACH (CONT)
    Did I?!?

    PLAYER 2
    I think you —

    COACH
    No I did not! (He throws his clipboard; it shatters.) I didn’t ask any fucking questions!!! Billy! You have those stats yet?

    (An assistant scurries over with another clipboard and sheepishly hands it to Coach Lou.)

    COACH (CONT)
    Three rebounds? We had three rebounds? Three boards to their 17. That makes me sick. Johnson? Son, you need to box out. What did we work on all week long?

    (Tick, tick, tick)

    COACH (CONT)
    Johnson?! You deaf, boy?!

    JOHNSON
    Boxing out?

    COACH
    That’s right, boxing out. Get up here. Get up here and show me how you box out!

    (Johnson walks to the front of the room and stands next to Coach Lou. He gets into a defensive crouch, hands at the ready, and boxes out.)

    COACH (CONT)
    No, goddamn it! No! How many times do I have to show you this?

    (Coach Lou drops the clipboard and gets into a crouch, but it isn’t a defensive one. He arches his back, puts his hands on his hips, shoves his ass into Johnson, and starts to grind. “Shake That Thing” starts playing in the background.)

    COACH (CONT)
    That’s right. That’s the way to work it. That’s how you box out.

    (Coach gets more and more into it until finally Johnson, in a mixture of fear and disgust, backs away.)

    COACH (CONT)
    See what I did there? I own the paint. I own the paint. You box out like that in the second half, Johnson. (Picking up the clipboard) Robinson! One assist. One assist to seven turnovers?!? Come on. That’s not how we play ball. Thats not how we play ball at all. You’ve gotta protect the ball, Jeremy. Billy! Give me a ball!

    (A ball is passed to Coach Lou. The clipboard goes flying. The ball goes flying. Coach Lou goes flying. He picks himself back up off the floor and holds the ball in his hands.)

    COACH (CONT)
    Remember what I always say: two dribbles is two too many. Always look to pass. You can move the ball faster passing it than dribbling it. (Starts dribbling. The way he does it is more like he’s spanking the ball for being naughty.) If you have to dribble, remember to keep your eye on the ball. Don’t look around or you’ll lose sight of that big, round (slapping it more forcefully) hard ball. And use both hands, don’t just rely on your right hand. (He dribbles once with his left, but loses complete control of the ball and it smacks him in the face, knocking him back to the floor. He gets up and passes the ball off screen with as limp-wristed a motion as can be imagined.)

    BILLY (O.S.)
    Two minutes, Coach.

    COACH
    Alright guys, gather round.
    They said we wouldn’t win a game and they were wrong. We won that exhibition game against Lazy Pines back in September.
    They said we wouldn’t win our conference tourney and they were wrong. I knew once that blizzard hit the 94 the Governor was going to declare a state of emergency and shut down all the roads to Fargo.
    They said we wouldn’t win the play-in game and they were wrong. Though that bad shrimp in the other locker room was a one in a million break.

    Look fellas, we’ve been through a lot. I want to tell you about another fella I know who went through a lot. Fella by the name of George. Now I’m going to tell you something I’ve kept to myself for years. None of you ever knew George. He was long before your time, but you all know what a tradition he is. One of the greatest natural athletes I’ve ever seen. Could jump straight out of the gym, run all day, and still be getting into trouble when everyone else was ready for sleep. But George wasn’t just an athlete. He was a student, always questioning, always curious. Well, curiosity finally caught up with George one day. The last thing he said to me was “eep eep eeeeep! eep eep eeeeep!!!”

    Now I’m not a religious man. I don’t know if there’s a heaven or hell, or a separate monkey heaven and monkey hell. But if there is – I mean, either the one heaven and hell for everyone, or possibly the separate monkey heaven and hell – George is up there watching. So go out there with all you’ve got and win just one for the monkey.

    BLACKOUT

  • FSW: Red’s Welcome

    Apologies for being late with this one; it had to go through a little more processing than usual. It’s not as funny as some weeks, but it wasn’t written with that solely in mind. I hope you all enjoy. David’s had his up since yesterday here. It’s very funny, especially if you know someone like the protagonists or, sadly, are someone like the protagonists. Michael did not put up a sketch this week and is sitting on the sidelines with some family business. My best wishes go out to him and his family.

    For those “keeping score”, David and I played shuffleboard instead of fighting this week. He beat me when the sound of helicopters gave me a flashback.

    Red’s Welcome
    (Long queue at the Pearly Gates. At the front of the line, dapper in his tux, stands Leo “Red” Rush, a man’s man of 84 years. Hale and hearty, the tux strains against the rejuvenated body within. St. Peter sits at the desk.)

    PETER
    Red! Welcome. We’ve been waiting for you.

    RED
    Oh good! I wasn’t sure which way I was going.

    PETER
    It was never really in doubt up here.

    RED
    Long life, you know. A few, er, indiscretions and dalliances. And I might have been a little loose with my tongue a few times.

    PETER
    Well fuck, Red! Where the hell you think you are here? A tea room?

    RED
    I uh, didn’t expect you to…did I just hear you right? Did you say —

    PETER
    — fuck? Fuck yah, I did. I was a fisherman, Red. How did you think I’d talk? Like a Hallmark card? C’mon. I’ve got a break due, why don’t I show you around the place and give you the skinny. Everyone, I’m taking five. Cherubs should be by with honey roasted peanuts and fresh baked cookies in a minute. If you’re a little tired from your death, ask for a moist cloth. They’re very refreshing.

    (Peter and Red head through the gates and into heaven. It looks like a pristine German village, so clean as to appear brand new. Innumerable happy people stroll, sit at cafes, and laugh with friends.)

    RED
    Heaven looks like Bavaria?

    PETER
    Think of it as an infinitely large Epcot Center. I thought you might like a Märzen after your trip.

    (Peter puts out his hands and two tall, frosty beers appear. He hands one to Red and takes a long draught of his own.)

    RED
    You’ve got a little…there’s…St. Peter, you’ve got foam in your beard. (Peter wipes off) I’ve got to tell you, this isn’t what I was expecting. All my life…I just figured there’d be halos and harps and angels with wings.

    PETER
    We’ve got that too, but who wants to hang out with those types? You were in the war, right Red?

    RED
    Yes sir.

    PETER
    You’ll find things are a little different here. If you’d like, you can join a league and play against your old enemies. We’ve got ping pong, softball, soccer, volleyball, actually an infinite number of games. Usually the old warriors get a kick out of that.

    RED
    There are Nazis in heaven?

    PETER
    Not exactly. There are quite a few former soldiers, though. You know, now that I think about it, you might enjoy this. See that movie theater?

    (Sign on the marquee reads: “Hitler Boiling In Oil: Shows start every 15 minutes”)

    PETER (Cont)
    It’s run longer than “Cats”.

    RED
    Peter? You know what I’d really like is to look in on my family. Is there any way to do that?

    PETER
    Sure. Come over here. We’ve got these kiosks all over the place. You just type in the name of the person you want to see and they pop up on the monitor. You can even send them messages.

    RED
    I can?

    PETER
    Sure. Here’s the icon for Ethereal Messenger. You click this…no wait, you have to double click. Sorry. We just changed over from Macs to Windows. There’s a little adjustment. Damn Apple store sold us a bunch of computers and promised on a stack of bibles they’d run all our software. We installed the EM software on all these shiny new boxes and it just wouldn’t start. Boss said he’d had it with Jobs and “that whole bunch of clove-smoking, beret-wearing, shiny happy lemmings.” Called up Gates and put in the order the next morning. Good thing that guy gave all that money away or we’d be stuck running Ubuntu or something. Good luck getting support for that!

    Anyway, here we go. Who’d you like to message?

    RED
    My grandson Michael. How does this work?

    PETER
    You can just click one of these smileys and he’ll get a warm, protected feeling for a minute. Or you can type a message here and it will be delivered the next time he dreams. You want to type it?

    RED
    Yeah. Thanks, Peter.

    (Red types his message on the clunky, but fully functional computer: “You’re a good boy, Michael. I’ve always loved you. Granddad.”)

    BLACKOUT