Same spiel as every week. If anyone feels up to putting her sketch talents to the test, please email a link, or the body of your sketch if you have no place to post it, to sketchwar_at_dreamloom_dot_com. The results of the battle will be posted sometime Friday evening.

An Awkward Birthday
(Rob and Jean sit at a kitchen table with shreds of wrapping paper lying visible on the floor. He: mid 20s, wearing a plaid flannel shirt, jeans, and glasses. She: early 20s, hair in a ponytail, white blouse, jeans.)

ROB
I thought you’d like it.

JEAN
How could…are you crazy? What would make you think I’d want…that?

ROB
I don’t know. You’re, it’s just that —

(They freeze. A man in his 40s with touches of silver at the temples of his perfectly combed hair enters and crosses to stand behind Rob’s right shoulder. He is dressed identically to Rob, though his shirt is neatly tucked and buttoned all the way to the top.)

ROB-2
It’s just that you’re a difficult person for whom to shop.

(Jean remains frozen, but Rob turns to look at his doppelganger.)

ROB
“For whom to shop?” Are you fucking kidding me? Look at her! She’s already pissed off and now you want me to talk like an English professor in the middle of a fight?

ROB-2
There is no wrong time for good grammar.

ROB
Right. Well I think I’m going to take this one myself if you don’t mind.

(Jean unfreezes.)

ROB (CONT)
— you’re a hard person to shop for.

JEAN
Hard? Hard how? Look around the apartment, Rob. Look over there on the counter. What do you see?

ROB
A pile of magazines?

JEAN
Catalogs. They’re catalogs. With pages conveniently folded so you can see what I like. Trust me when I tell you not one of those catalogs has anything like…that.

ROB-2
She has a point.

ROB
(Glares at Rob-2) But Jeannie, if I just get you something from one of those, it’s like I put no thought in it at all. You might as well just take a card from my wallet and order it yourself. I thought I could surprise you with something different. Something personal.

(Jean freezes. A third man appears, dressed the same but with his shirt completely undone and hair mussed. This one is 17 or 18. He stands behind Rob’s left shoulder.)

ROB-3
Dude! Tell her how long it took!

ROB
Not now.

ROB-3
Tell her, man. An hour, just standing there with that stuff slathered on.

ROB
I wish I was at work.

ROB-2
Were at work. You wish you were at work.

ROB-3
Nice hair, grandpa. You put Crisco in that?

ROB-2
Get a job!

(Jean unfreezes.)

JEAN
You know I don’t…do that. Why would you buy me a dildo?

ROB
That’s just it! It’s not just a dildo! It’s an exact replica of me!

JEAN
What?

ROB-3
Tell her about the latex!

JEAN
What are you talking about?

ROB
Intimate Expressions – the sex shop by the Greyhound station – they have this new thing where they take casts of–

JEAN
–So now you’re hanging out at sex shops?!?

(Rob-2 and Rob-3 both take a single, large step backwards.)

ROB
Just the one. I mean, no! I heard about it on the radio, is all. I swear. At Valentine’s Day they were talking about it and I thought it’d be something you’d like. You always say how much you miss me when I work nights–

JEAN
–So you thought you could give me a rubber–

ROB-3
–Latex

ROB
Latex

JEAN
–latex version of your dick and that’d be alright? That’s what you thought I meant when I said I missed you?

ROB
I just wanted–

ROB-2
–I just wanted, finally, to give you some memento to remind you of me.

ROB
Seriously! Who talks like that?

ROB-3
Tell her about the hot chick who took the mold!

ROB
Guys, really, I think I’ve got this. Thanks for all your help.

I just wanted to finally give you something special. I screwed up. Again. I’m sorry. Here, I’ll throw it out.

(Rob extends his hand. Everyone freezes. A woman who looks just like Jean enters and crosses to stand behind Jean. She holds out her hand.)

JEAN-2
Oh hell no! If you’re not going to use it, then give it to me!

BLACKOUT