Sketch Entries from the warriors
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
JIM YOUNG, in his 20s with sharply creased pants, shiny from too much wear, stands at the RETURNS COUNTER opposite MIRIAM, efficient and professional.
MIRIAM
What a lovely story, Mr. Young! So do you want to exchange the chain for a nice hat, or maybe a wig?
JIM
Actually, I was wondering if I could get store credit for these combs. I noticed you’ve got Xbox 360s on sale today.
BLACKOUT:
Friday Sketch Skirmish
Christmas Presents Edition
“Christmas Presents”
FADE IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Christmas tree. Fireplace. Cozy.
MAN 1 cheerfully hands MAN 2 a wrapped present.
Man 2 takes it and walks O. S.
Sounds of unwrapping.
MAN 2
Gahhh! Spiders! SPIDERS!!!
AAAAAHH —
A door SLAMS.
MAN 1
(scoffs)
Expensive spiders.
FADE OUT.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
One very agitated man (MAN 1) stands in front of a bigdesk, while MAN 2 suit sits behind it.
MAN 1
(a bit pissy and "nelly")
I KNOW I’m high maintenance, and I know I just take and take and take from this relationship without giving a thing. But you and I both know that I own your ass, and if you don’t give me a really big expensive package this Christmas, I will have a complete breakdown, blame YOU for it, and take everyone around me down too!!!
MAN 2
(with a slight Texas drawl)
Fine, whatever it takes to shut you up…..I’ll give you 17 billion dollars now, but you have to share with Chrysler and Ford, and if you want any more money you’ll have to talk to congress after Obama is inaugurated and I’m out of here, okay?
Friday Sketch War
3:34AM Edition
“Building Maintenance”
BLACKNESS
A light SWITCHES ON to REVEAL —
INT. CONFERENCE AREA – NIGHT
SANJAY walks into an ad-hoc meeting-space in a vast, dark office floor. It has a couple of couches and a coffee table.
A projection screen (now blank) occupies a nearby wall.
A large mechanical device sits in the middle of the area.
A wall clock tells us it’s 3:34. The darkened windows along the wall tell us it’s 3:34am.
Sanjay wears a nice suit. He chugs down a big mug of coffee as he walks in.
He puts down the mug. Takes a breath.
A NOISE from the darkness.
Sanjay peers around. Nothing.
SANJAY
Screen on.
The projection screen blips on. It shows MR. ABBAS, sitting somewhere expensive and sunny and staring at the screen.
MR. ABBAS
Four minutes late.
SANJAY
Oh. I can explain.
MR. ABBAS
I’m kidding! It’s a joke!
SANJAY
Ha.
MR. ABBAS
You can be late — it is, what, three in the morning where you are?
OMINOUS SOUNDTRACK MUSIC fades in on the office PA system.
SANJAY
We pride ourselves on professionalism, sir. We’re more than happy to accommodate your schedule, because…
He trails off. Where the hell did that music come from?
MR. ABBAS
Is that music?
SANJAY
Yes. Is that a problem?
MR. ABBAS
No, just show this machine to me.
SANJAY
Of course, sir.
In the background, a JANITOR enters and lays a long piece of brightly-colored TAPE on the floor. Sanjay hasn’t noticed him yet —
SANJAY
This is just a model of the EP-71, but — bwah!
That’s Sanjay noticing the janitor.
MR. ABBAS
What?
SANJAY
Just one moment, sir. Screen off.
Screen blips off.
The janitor finishes laying down the length of tape. Sanjay just stares at him. By way of explanation —
JANITOR
Tuesday night. So I tape.
— and off he goes.
SANJAY
Screen on. Sorry, I —
MR. ABBAS
I have no time. Show me this machine! Now!
SANJAY
This is just a model, but it demonstrates —
Janitor re-enters, dumping a pile of small beanbags behind the tape line. Off Sanjay’s look —
JANITOR
Tuesday!
He re-exits.
SANJAY
— demonstrates the drilling capabilities of the real device.
The janitor re-enters, moves the couches to the wall while Sanjay soldiers on.
SANJAY
The innovative design saves over 30% in spillage and —
The janitor starts dragging the machine away.
SANJAY
Screen off!
Screen blips off.
SANJAY
What the hell! What are you doing?
JANITOR
Tuesday!
SANJAY
Please just leave this machine here. Please.
Janitor shrugs, exits.
SANJAY
Screen on.
Screen blips on.
SANJAY
Sorry about that. Now —
ANNE (O.S.)
Lightning bolt!
A beanbag hits Sanjay in the head.
SANJAY
What?
And suddenly a bunch of EXECS, including ANNE and the CEO, rush in.
They’re dressed in Ren Faire/fantasy costumes, brandishing Nerf swords, and throwing beanbags at one another while shouting D&D spell names: “Magic missile!”, “Heal!”, et cetera. (Anne only ever says “Lightning bolt!”)
The CEO wears a hood that conceals his face.
They nearly knock Sanjay down in the bustle.
The CEO triumphantly jumps behind the tape.
CEO
Aha! The forces of Melchior have activated the magic wall!
Anne throws a beanbag at him.
ANNE
Lightning bolt!
CEO
‘Magic wall’.
ANNE
Sorry.
The CEO sees the beanbag pile.
CEO
And now we have a stash of new spells!
A few execs cheer.
SANJAY
What are you people doing?
The CEO pulls back the hood.
CEO
Live-action D&D, Sanjay.
SANJAY
Oh. Boss. Hi.
MR. ABBAS
This is not good! And unprofessional!
CEO
You’re meeting with Abbas now? During the game?
SANJAY
Game?
CEO
Fix this.
The CEO leads the EXECS away.
CEO (O.S.)
This castle is protected by an evil wizard! We must escape!
Sanjay faces the screen. Mr. Abbas is not happy.
SANJAY
I — this isn’t — let’s get back to the machine —
MR. ABBAS
I’m kidding! It is fine. I play like that all the time. I am a fifth-level bard.
SANJAY
I — what?
MR. ABBAS
But — no time. Do this again same time tomorrow?
SANJAY
Okay. Sure.
MR. ABBAS
Screen off.
The screen blips off.
Sanjay collapses on a couch.
ANNE (O.S.)
Lightning bolt!
A beanbag flies in from offscreen and hits Sanjay in the head.
He lies down and goes to sleep.
BLACKOUT.
I couldn’t resist a little Seasonal flavoring – so here’s my offering for 3:34 am:
INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT
ZACH and his wife MARION, both in their late 30’s / early 40’s, are asleep in their bed. The lights are out, the clock radio on the night stand shows 3:34, and the only illumination is a shaft of moonlight through the window. A light snowfall drifts lazily down outside.
The bedroom door opens a sliver showing a little light from the hallway. Five or six small silhouettes creep inside the door. They move slowly and silently towards the bed. As they get about half way there it becomes obvious they are wearing some sort of high-tech head gear that goes over their eyes. They raise their hands to their eyes, and click an unseen switch. A quiet "whir" is heard, and a green glow comes from lenses over the figures eyes. The head gear is some sort of high-tech night vision. One small figure makes military-type hand gestures to the others, and they flank the bed. They hold position as the lead figure raises a fist in the air, then yanks it down quickly, as if to say "go". In a blur of motion the small figures strap ZACH and MARION to the bed with garland and gag them with oranges. One silhouette flips the light switch on in the room as the others tilt the bed up. ZACH and MARION struggle against their bonds to no avail. All of the small silhouettes are now revealed to be Christmas elves in camo face-paint, and black special forces-style gear (but with curly-toed shoes of course). One elf, PETEY, talks into his headset mic.
PETEY
Tree this is Trimming, over.
TOMMY (V.O. ON MIC)
This is Tree, go Trimming.
PETEY
Tree, nothing is stirring, not even a mouse. Send in Big Red.
TOMMY (V.O. ON MIC)
Roger, Trimming. Big Red is inbound.
The door opens again, and SANTA walks in, looking a bit pissed. He walks slowly over to the bed where ZACH and MARION struggle against their bonds.
SANTA
Soo….Zach and Marion Webster, of 425 Willow Drive. That you?
ZACH and MARION nod slowly.
SANTA
And you got three lovely, lovely children…Austin, Dylan and Cailyn?
ZACH and MARION nod yes again.
SANTA
WE need to have a little talk. Petey here is going to remove those oranges so we can talk, nice and civilized. We can be grownups here, right?
ZACH and MARION nod again
SANTA
But one shout and my boys will go to town on you.
PETEY holds up a stuffed Christmas stocking.
SANTA
Those are filled with broken candy canes. They don’t leave bruises but they mess you up inside. We understand one another?
MARION and ZACH nod yet again, their eyes a lot wider now. SANTA nods to PETEY, and PETEY gestures to the other elves to remove the oranges. ZACH and MARION inhale sharply.
ZACH
You’re…I mean you look like…
SANTA
Santa Claus…Kris Kringle, Saint Nick, Father Christmas whatever you want to call me.
MARION
But..you’re nice…why would you…
SANTA
Bind a torture a nice couple like you?
ZACH
Torture?
SANTA
Maybe…depends.
MARION
On what?
SANTA
On how cooperative you plan on being.
ZACH
You’re Santa Claus…we’re happy to help you out any way we can.
SANTA
Oh yeah? Then tell me…Austin, Dylan and Cailyn….naughty or nice?
ZACH and MARION look at each other. SANTA gestures to PETEY. Several elves move in and whack ZACH with filled Christmas stockings. ZACH winces in pain.
SANTA
I thought you were gonna be all cooperative with jolly old Saint Nick?
MARION
We’ll cooperate! We’ll cooperate!
SANTA
So are they naughty or nice, Marion?
MARION
I…I…
SANTA
Naughty or nice??? Answer me!!!
SANTA gestures and the elves whack Marion with the stuffed stockings.
ZACH
Stop it! Please!
SANTA
Answer me!
MARION
I thought knew these things…you know, "sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake"?
SANTA
Well you thought wrong. Watching Children 24 / 7 is immoral. I don’t know what pedophile freak decided to attribute that to me, but if I ever catch the son of a bitch I will personally stuff that mother fucker down his own goddamn chimney.
ZACH
Spying on children is wrong but torturing parents is okay?
PETEY moves to hit ZACH with the sack again but SANTA waves him off. SANTA goes over and grabs ZACH’s face.
SANTA
Look my friend, there is a war on. I pop down the wrong chimney one night and BOOM! I’m a hostage with a ransom video showing 24/7 on Al Jazeera. Maybe I some bad naughty-versus-nice intelligence on some kid, so I give him a that robotic Lego thingy he wants. Next thing I know his making improvised explosive devices and dropping them by the side of the road. Nuh uh…I’m not taking any chances – I’m taking matters into my own hands and making DAMN sure I know who’s naughty and nice.
MARION
You’re Santa…no one wants to hurt you. You’re a symbol of goodness and generosity.
SANTA
Exactly…I’m a symbol, a very public and well known symbol. People would love to take me down, or catch me being nice to some seriously naughty fucker….ruin my reputation, incarcerate me for aiding and abetting a known naughty. Goddamn liberal press would eat me alive.
ZACH
Wow…you are seriously paranoid. You sound like a republican.
SANTA
I’ve been GOP since Eisenhower, jerkwad.
MARION
Wait…you really ARE republican?
SANTA
No shit Mrs. Sherlock. You think I wear red because it’s slimming?
ZACH
We didn’t mean any insult…
SANTA
I’m goddamn proud to be republican. Hell, Nixon was the one that got me keeping lists and checking them twice. I used to fly Christmas Eve recon missions over Cambodia for that administration in the early 70’s. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have given him that audio tape shredder though. The damn Bushes are in-laws – or did think that uncanny resemblance between Barbara Bush and Mrs. Claus was a coincidence?
MARION< /p>
Times are changing…the world is changing.
SANTA
Don’t remind me. All my wiretap authorizations are being revoked, you can’t get a free pass from the justice department anymore, no matter how much you donate to the GOP. I’ll probably be forced to close my internment camp at the north pole too, and put all the detainees on trial.
ZACH
You have an internment camp?
SANTA
Gitmo North. For the super-naughty.
MARION
Santa, things are changing all over, fast. People are tired of being paranoid, tired of fear mongering, tired of being at odds with the rest of the planet. We need hope, not renegade gunslingers.
ZACH
That’s right. Everyone in the world is struggling with the economy now, and we’re all just trying to find ways to stay afloat. We don’t need a symbol who only gives gifts to the people HE thinks are deserving. We need someone who gives generously and freely to all, regardless of color,creed or politics.
SANTA
Even the gays?
ZACH and MARION look at each other for a moment, thinking.
MARION
That’s still your call really. But be the person you started to be. Be that symbol of kindness and unconditional love. Take a few things on faith, and give the world what it needs most….hope.
SANTA pauses and thinks.
SANTA
You stole that speech from Barack Obama didn’t you?
ZACH and MARION shrug as if to say "You caught us"
SANTA (CONT)
It’s a good speech though.
SANTA pauses again and thinks more
SANTA
Petey, untie them.
PETEY
But Santa…
SANTA
Just do it. And then let’s go – we’ve got a lot more gifts to give out than we planned on.
PETEY gestures to the other elves, and they remove the garland that ties ZACH and MARION to their bed
PETEY
(into headset mic)
Tree, this is Trimming. We’re standing down. Roof evac in 3 minutes.
SANTA
(to ZACH and MARION)
You two better be right. I’m going to take a few things on faith, and I’ll probably give presents to some questionably naughty people. If anything goes down it’s on your heads.
ZACH
You won’t regret it Santa. It’s time to reach out and rejoin the world and get past this “us and them” mentality.
MARION
Right, and you’ll see we can all come together to rebuild America, liberal and conservative.
SANTA
Only a liberal would say that.
MARION
Sorry.
SANTA
Look….sorry about the tying-up thing. I’ll make sure there’s a new Prius in your driveway tomorrow morning, okay? Elves, we’re pulling out. Petey, take point.
PETEY and the elves exit through the bedroom door. SANTA gets to the door, stops and turns around.
SANTA
And…umm, Merry Christmas.
ZACH
Merry Christmas to you Santa!
MARION
And goodwill to all!
SANTA
God I hate liberals.
SANTA exits. BLACKOUT
INT. JARED’S APARTMENT, BEDROOM – NIGHT
TITLE: MONDAY
JARED sleeps alone. Young and nebbishy, at least what we can see poking from under the covers. An old-school FLIP CLOCK reads 3:33AM. It flips…
…and three car alarms go off simultaneously. Jared pops up, reaches for the alarm clock, realizes the noise is outside. He lies back down and stares at the ceiling.
INT. JARED’S APARTMENT, BEDROOM – NIGHT
TITLE: TUESDAY
Same place, same time. Jared sleeps. The clock reads 3:33AM. It flips…
…and we hear Jared’s party girl neighbors walk under his window laughing and screeching drunkenly. He pops up, and immediately lies back down, sighing loudly.
INT. JARED’S APARTMENT, BEDROOM – NIGHT
TITLE: WEDNESDAY
The clock at 3:33AM again. It flips. No sound for a few tantalizing seconds and then…
…the beeping and crashing of a garbage truck under the window. Jared wakes, grabs his pillow and tries to cover his ears.
INT. TRAVEL AGENT’S – DAY
TITLE: SEVEN HOURS LATER
Jared sits across from MABEL, in her 60s with crudely dyed hair. She hands him a small PACKET and he smiles and shakes her hand.
INT. HOTEL ROOM – NIGHT
TITLE: THURSDAY, HOTEL DEL SOL, MEXICO
A gentle breeze shifts the sheers on the patio slider, causing the light of the moon to shimmer and dance across the bed. Jared sleeps in the fluffy, oversized bed, so peaceful. The CLOCK at the side of his bed reads 3:33AM. It changes and…
the sounds of a Mexican Hat Dance roll loudly through the open door. Jared opens his eyes wearily.
INT. TRAVEL AGENT’S – DAY
TITLE: 12 HOURS LATER
Jared’s animated right now. Mabel points to POSTERS – Hawaii, Jamaica, Miami – Jared shakes his head violently. He points and Mabel looks in shock.
ANGLE ON POSTER
Iceland: Land of the Midnight Sun
INT. HOTEL ROOM – DUSK
TITLE: SATURDAY, 36 HOURS LATER, ICELAND
Muted light filters in through a window. The super-cool, oh-so modern CLOCK next to the bed reads 3:33AM. It flips and…
GOLFER (O.S.)
Fore!
There’s a whack of club on ball. Jared opens his mouth to scream and…
CUT TO:
INT. PADDED CELL – NIGHT
Jared’s wrapped up tight in a STRAIGHTJACKET, but he has a huge smile on his face as he sleeps peacefully. No sounds are heard but his own gentle snoring. He opens his eyes and stretches as much as a man in a straightjacket can stretch. The door has a small viewport and we
ANGLE OUT VIEWPORT
On the nurses’s station. We see an old-school FLIP CLOCK change to 3:34AM.
BLACKOUT:
INT RESTAURANT – NIGHT
JACK a man in his early 30’s, sits alone at table wearing a business suit with a cocktail in front of him. He checks his breath, checks his appearance in the back of a spoon of any other convenient shiny object, and all manner of things someone waiting to make a good impression would do.
JILL, also in her early 30’s wearing a nice blouse and skirt, walks in and likewise checks her appearance. She looks around, sees JACK and walks over to him.
JILL
Jack?
JACK
Jill?
JILL
I thought that was…probably you.
JACK
Yeah, I don’t look a thing like my Match.com photo. I Photoshopped the hell out of it.
JILL
No worries! I’m 12 years older and 43 pounds heavier than mine!
Both of them chuckle.
JACK
Have a seat. I’d stand up to get your chair, but the table is hiding the beer gut I said was a six-pack.
JILL sits down.
JACK
So, will you be eating anything other than a salad tonight?
JILL
Not in front of you. I’m binge-ing later at home.
JACK
I was afraid you’d order something expensive, which I’d have to pay for in hopes I’d be repaid with sex. But I’d just end up resenting you after I ejaculate.
JILL
You’re not really a CEO rock guitarist stockbroker who writes poetry while rescuing puppies and infants are you?
JACK
Floor sales at Cell Phone Circus.
JILL
I’m not really an independently wealthy NFL cheerleader-slash-microbrewery heiress with porn star training.
JACK
I’m male – I had to take the risk just in case.
JILL
I don’t really skydive.
JACK
I don’t really like art museums.
JILL
I was never in a sorority.
JACK
I haven’t been in one since the restraining order.
JILL
I only watch Julia Roberts movies.
JACK
I only watch Adam Sandler movies.
JILL
I don’t have an apartment downtown.
JACK
I don’t have a penthouse.
JILL
I still live with my parents.
JACK
I have to break back into the ward before the 9:30 bed-check.
JILL
I’m not really a NASCAR fan.
JACK
I am.
JILL
I only wear granny-panties.
JACK
I only wear Depends.
JILL
My boobs aren’t real.
JACK
Neither is my hair.
JILL
(grabbing her breasts)
This is just padding. My real boobs are really tiny.
JACK says nothing , but glances at his crotch subtly.
JILL
But my butt is totally real.
JACK
So is my halitosis.
JILL
I’m here seeking self-esteem through the approval of others.
JACK
I’m hoping to get laid this year. I’ve only had one sexual partner.
JILL
I’ve only had one partner…while sober.
JACK motions to an invisible waiter
JACK
(to waiter)
Three Jack and cokes for the lady.
JILL
I get clingy and desperate in relationships.
JACK
We so much in common.
JILL
This is going so much better than most of my dates.
JACK
This honesty is turning me on.
JILL
It’s making me hot too.
JACK
Does that mean I’m going to get lucky?
JILL
Buy me the lobster and we’ll talk.
BLACK OUT
Friday Sketch War
First-Dates Edition
“Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong”
FADE IN:
TITLE GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong”.
CHEERY BOSSA NOVA MUSIC plays throughout. This is the only audio.
FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #1”.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
NEIL and WENDY, dressed nicely, sit opposite each other at a table in an elegant restaurant.
They both look bored.
A SUBTITLE appears: “#1: Complete lack of chemistry.”
Neil pulls out a paddle-ball and starts playing with it just before we CUT TO:
FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #2”.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Wendy sits at the table as before.
Neil? Nowhere to be seen.
A SUBTITLE appears: “#2: Mis-reading 8:30pm as 6:30pm.”
FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #3”.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Wendy sits alone at the table. A cell phone sits on the table beside her. A SIREN flashes somewhere offscreen.
Neil enters DRESSED AS A COP.
He sizes up the location, a bit perplexed. He says something into his radio.
A SUBTITLE appears: “#3: You didn’t make it clear that it *was* a date.”
Neil sees Wendy.
Wendy waves at Neil coyly.
Neil looks confused.
FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #4”.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Neil and Wendy sit at the table.
Neil wears the traditional garb of Hasidic Judaism.
Wendy wears a Nazi uniform.
They both look awkward and uncomfortable.
A SUBTITLE appears: “#4: Insurmountable cultural differences.”
FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #5”.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Neil sits at the table, bored to the point of nodding off.
Wendy talks at him excitedly.
A SUBTITLE appears: “#5: You can’t stop talking about the Second Punic War.”
Wendy pulls out a large map as a visual aid.
FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #5b”.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Exact same scene as before.
A SUBTITLE appears: “#5b: He refuses to listen to your brilliant commentary about the Second Punic War.”
FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #6”.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Wendy and Neil sit at the table. They both have plates of food. Neil’s head is face-down on the table. He ain’t moving.
A SUBTITLE appears: “#6: Death.”
Wendy slowly, furtively steals a bit of food from Neil’s plate.
FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #7”.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Neil and Wendy have a perfectly nice time. Nothing going wrong at all.
A SUBTITLE appears: “#7: Attacked by ninjas.”
NINJAS emerge from the shadows and carry them both off.
FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #8”.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Neil and Wendy have another perfectly nice time.
A WAITER comes by and greets Neil.
Suddenly, Wendy pulls out a GUN, points it at Neil, and starts yelling at him.
Some COPS enter behind Wendy and do the same.
A SUBTITLE appears: “#8: It’s actually an elaborate sting operation.”
Neil jumps up, sweeps away half the stuff off the table, and grabs his fork and knife.
Neil gets behind the waiter and holds the knife to the waiter’s neck. He brandishes the fork at Wendy & Co.
FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #9”.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Neil and Wendy enjoy a quiet moment.
A salt shaker sits on the table.
Wendy gestures at the salt shaker.
It levitates about a foot off the table.
Neil looks at Wendy with alarm.
Wendy gestures the salt shaker back down.
A SUBTITLE appears: “#9: You accidentally reveal your scary telekinetic powers.”
An awkward moment.
Wendy pulls out a paddle-ball and tries to distract Neil by playing with it.
FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #10”.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Neil and Wendy are having a pleasant time again.
There is a flash of light, and a puff of smoke emanates from offscreen.
OLDER WENDY enters and all but drags a reluctant Wendy away.
A SUBTITLE appears: “#10: Later in life, you invent time travel.”
FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #11”.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Neil and Wendy chat.
Neil disappears in a puff of smoke.
In his place is a live chicken.
A SUBTITLE appears: “#11: One of you turns into a chicken.”
Wendy, all-but-entranced and nearly-drooling, picks up her knife and fork.
ADDITIONAL SUBTITLE: “… a juicy, delicious chicken.”
FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #12”.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Neil and Wendy chat pleasantly.
A SUBTITLE appears: “#12: Sudden, explosive bleeding from the eyes.”
They continue to chat pleasantly.
ADDITIONAL SUBTITLE: “(not shown)”
FULL-SCREEN GRAPHIC reads “Thirteen Ways a First Date Can Go Wrong: #13”.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Neil and Wendy have a wonderful time.
A SUBTITLE appears: “#13: The date is fictional.”
The DIRECTOR wanders into the shot and talks to Neil and Wendy.
ZOOM OUT to include the rest of the set.
A CAMERAMAN wanders in front of the camera, reaches around to turn it off, and we —
BLACK OUT.
EXT. GARDEN – DAY
Lush, jungle-like. Three tree stumps conveniently positioned as table and chairs. ADAM, grinning like a rube, and LILITH sit naked across from each other, hair and branches strategically concealing naughty bits. The brunette smolders and looks slinky even while seated.
ADAM
…and I call those goats.
LILITH
They stink.
ADAM
Yeah, I hadn’t noticed. The bigger ones, with the long hair, I call those yaks. Except those other ones over there? Those are gnus.
Lilith glances where Adam points, then looks around anxiously.
LILITH
Where the hell’s the waiter?
ADAM
Waiter?
LILITH
Or waitress, whatever. To take our order? I’d kill for a drink.
ADAM
Oh, let me get you some pomegranate juice. I named that, too. And the strawberry, and the boysenberry…
Adam’s voice trails off as he exits, still strategically obscured. Lilith sighs. As Adam comes back in view we hear him continue…
ADAM (CONT’D)
…and the huckleberry, and the chokeberry, and the–
LILITH
–You named all the berries, too. That’s great. So Adam, what else do you do? Besides naming.
Adam hands Lilith a hollowed gourd and she drains it. She curls her lip and stares at the cup.
ADAM
I tend the fields and I tend the flocks and I–
LILITH
–Yeah. Hey sweetie? You got anything back there with a bit more kick?
ADAM
Kick?
LILITH
You know, something fermented?
ADAM
Nope. Just juice. You want some lingonberry juice?
LILITH
(sighing)
No, I’m fine. Maybe something to eat?
ADAM
We’ve got barley porridge. I can top it with blueberries if you like. Or blackberries–
A lamb, barely old enough to walk, stumbles up to the table.
LILITH
–What’s that?
ADAM
That’s a lamb. It’s a baby sheep. I also named sheep.
LILITH
That sounds good.
ADAM
The name pleases you?
LILITH
No, a lamb chop sounds good. Rare.
ADAM
You want me to make a sacrifice for God?
LILITH
No, I want you to make mint jelly for me.
ADAM
I don’t know how I feel–
LILITH
–Look, Adam. You’re a nice guy. Really. But you’re obviously busy with the…naming and the tending. I’m just not sure I feel a real connection.
ADAM
What about my rib?
LILITH
What about it?
ADAM
“And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.” That’s me. I’m the man. You’re bone of my bones and everything.
LILITH
(sotto voce)
That’s the only bone around here from what I can see.
ADAM
What?
LILITH
Look, I appreciate all that, but it’s not enough. There’s just no spark. I’d love it if we could be friends, though.
Adam looks heavenward and shrugs. Lightning flashes, thunder claps, and when he looks back down he’s sitting across from EVE: blond, fair, and grinning like her mate.
EVE
(vapidly)
What do you call that animal, Adam?
BLACKOUT:
Friday Sketch War
Learning Something New About History Edition
“Learning Something New About History”
FADE IN:
TITLE GRAPHIC reads “Learning Something New About History”.
BAROQUE MUSIC plays.
A CLASSY NARRATOR with an aged, respectable British voice starts the show.
CLASSY NARRATOR (V.O.)
This week on “Learning Something New About History” —
TITLE GRAPHIC reads “Hannibal and the Battle of the Tremia”.
CLASSY NARRATOR (V.O.)
— Hannibal and the Battle of the Tremia. And now as always, Mr. Joey Weitzman.
MUSIC FADES OUT.
JOEY talks with fierce enthusiasm about his subject. His near-constant profanities are all clumsily bleeped out. He speaks over stock photos.
First: a bust of Hannibal.
JOEY (V.O.)
Hannibal. I mean, shit. Just look at him. Hell yeah.
Screencap of Chuck Norris.
JOEY (V.O.)
Fuck. Guys are like, “Chuck Norris is a badass mrmee mrmee woo” —
Screencap of professional wrestling.
JOEY (V.O.)
— or “check out real ultimate fighting lalee bunny froo froo” —
Busts of Scipio and Sempronius.
JOEY (V.O.)
— and I’m like, “You little pussies are like Scipio and Sempronius.”
Battle diagram of the Trebia, showing the location of Roman forces, marked “Bitches”.
JOEY (V.O.)
The two Roman guys were, like, flouncing a tea party by the Trebia —
Bust of Scipio.
JOEY (V.O.)
— and Scipio was all —
(fey falsetto)
“Oh, there’s no way that ass-slaughtering general can find us here!”
Bust of Sempronius.
JOEY (V.O.)
— and then Sempronius was like —
Battle diagram, now with an arrow added — Roman forces approaching the river. The arrow is labelled “weak-ass shit attack”, with black bars over the profanities.
JOEY (V.O.)
(equally-fey falsetto)
“I’ll just put down my doily and launch a little attack.”
The battle diagram now shows another group of forces, labelled “FUCKIN’ HANNIBAL FUCK YEAH”, again with black bars.
JOEY (V.O.)
And then Hannibal was like — “RAAAWR! Ambush, motherfuckers!”
Several arrows from Hannibal’s forces to the Roman forces appear. Joey punctuates each appearance with:
JOEY (V.O.)
Unh! Unh! Unh! And like, killed them with pointy sticks —
A label appears by the Roman forces: “Blood and guts and killing and shit.” Again, a black bar.
JOEY (V.O.)
— and then killed them harder with motherfucking elephants!
JOEY (V.O.)
I mean, fuck, man!
Shots of various ordnance.
JOEY (V.O.)
Yeah, you got your AK, your fuckin’ F-16s, your tanks and shit, fuck that.
Shot of Babar.
JOEY (V.O.)
Somebody throws a motherfuckin’ elephant at your ass, you know you are fucked.
Shot of an elephant.
JOEY (V.O.)
They’re all BOOM BOOM BOOM stomping and trumpeting —
Shot of the olliphaunts from Lord of the Rings.
JOEY (V.O.)
— and all Lord of the Rings and shit. ‘cos that’s how Hannibal rolls.
Map of the Roman empire. An arrow goes from the battle of the Trebia to Lake Trasimene.
JOEY (V.O.)
And the last guys left ran like fuckin’ babies to Lake Trasimene, and Hannibal killed the shit out of them there.
Shot of Rome.
JOEY (V.O.)
And Hannibal could have taken over fucking Rome. But he didn’t even bother. ‘cos he’s fucking awesome.
Screencap of Colonel Hannibal Smith from The A-Team.
JOEY (V.O.)
Okay, the big question: is Hannibal cooler than Hannibal from The A-Team?
Two shots, side-by-side: the A-Team screencap, the Hannibal bust.
JOEY (V.O.)
What the shit, people? Compared to the hero of the motherfucking Carthaginians, A-Team Hannibal was just a pussy with a van. Fuck you, A-Team Hannibal!
Screencap of Faceman.
JOEY (V.O.)
And fuck you, Faceman!
Screencap of B. A.
JOEY (V.O.)
Fu — okay, you’re cool.
Screencap of Murdock.
JOEY (V.O.)
But fuck you — other guy.
Screencap of 300:
JOEY (V.O.)
The other question: what if it was Hannibal versus the badasses from 300?
Two shots, side-by-side: the 300 screencap, the Hannibal bust.
JOEY (V.O.)
But that’s a trick question, ‘cos Hannibal would be, like, “You rule!” and shit, and the Spartans would be all, “You! Are! Awesome!”
A crude Photoshop inserts the bust of Hannibal into the shot.
JOEY (V.O.)
And then they’d join forces, and that shit would rule.
Back to the opening title card: “Learning Something New About History”.
The same BAROQUE MUSIC plays.
CLASSY NARRATOR (V.O.)
This has been “Learning Something New About History” — stay tuned for next week, when we present: “Jean-Paul Sartre and the Existentialists”.
FADE OUT.