INT. IRS OFFICE – DAY

CLARK FRENELL (40s, gray suit, his picture is next to “ectomorph” in the dictionary) stands a respectful distance behind DEATH, hand on the doorknob to leave.

CLARK

...then I’ll expect you back here, with those receipts, Tuesday morning.

DEATH

I told you, I’m not sure I know where they all are.

CLARK

That might be a problem, Mister Death. The United States government doesn’t look kindly on tax cheats.

Death spins his head around 180 degrees to face Clark.

DEATH

Now just a minute! I’m not a cheat! Those are legitimate travel expens--

CLARK

--and the Office of Homeland Security might be interested in all that travel abroad as well.

(Beat)

Nine A.M. Mister Death. Don’t be late.

Death storms out in a cloud of dust, slamming the door behind him. Clark coughs in the wake and reopens the door.

CLARK (CONT’D)

(Calling off)

Margaret, please send in my next appointment.

Into the room flounces the TOOTH FAIRY (20s, petite girl in a tutu and wings) who clasps Clark’s hand and pumps it vigorously.

TOOTH FAIRY

It’s so nice to see you again, Clark!

CLARK

We’ve never met.

TOOTH FAIRY

Oh, I’ve met you!

Tooth Fairy points to various teeth in Clark’s mouth

TOOTH FAIRY (CONT’D)

Nickel, nickel, dime, dime, dime, and those two right there...

...Tooth Fairy actually touches Clark’s two front teeth.

TOOTH FAIRY (CONT’D)

...a Kennedy half-dollar right before Christmas of ’71.

CLARK

(Wistfully)

That’s all I wanted for Christmas that year.

He shakes off the nostalgia and heads to his chair.

CLARK (CONT’D)

Have a seat. So Ms. Fairy--

TOOTH FAIRY

--Call me Bertha.

CLARK

Bertha? Really? Okay. Bertha, your government has a few questions about this tax return of yours.

Clark opens a manila folder. Glitter flies everywhere, with glockenspiel accompaniment.

TOOTH FAIRY

Oh yes, my attorneys advised me to file that. Is there a problem?

CLARK

A problem? A problem? Ms. Fairy--

TOOTH FAIRY

--Bertha.

CLARK

Bertha, there are numerous inconsistencies. Not the least of which is that you’d never filed a return prior to this year. And you claimed operating expenses of...

...flipping through the folder...

CLARK (CONT’D)

...Two-hundred and seventy-five million dollars last year?

TOOTH FAIRY

That sounds about right.

CLARK

But provided no receipts.

TOOTH FAIRY

Oh! I have those right here.

Tooth Fairy begins twirling her MAGIC WAND.

CLARK

Did you have that wand when you walked in?

With much glitter, much glockenspiel, and a puff of smoke, a file box appears.

TOOTH FAIRY

This is just the first box. I don’t want to overwhelm you!

CLARK

I apprecia--

Tooth Fairy opens the box and dumps THOUSANDS OF TEETH on Clark’s desk and picks one up, seemingly at random.

TOOTH FAIRY

This was Antoine Johnson’s canine. Times are tight--

CLARK

--the recession’s hit everybody--

TOOTH FAIRY

--but Antoine got a quarter for this.

Another tooth from the pile.

TOOTH FAIRY (CONT’D)

Luisa Almodovar’s bicuspid. She tried to tie me up and take video with her cellphone, but I still left her a Euro.

Another tooth.

TOOTH FAIRY (CONT’D)

This was from one of Angelina Jolie’s adopted children. I had to get out of there fast before her mother tried to adopt me.

CLARK

Fine, fine. You’ve got receipts. But what about your revenue?

TOOTH FAIRY

I’m grant funded by magical elves. Same as Santa.

CLARK

You know Santa?

TOOTH FAIRY

We have the same accountant. Barry Edelstein.

CLARK

Alright, but none of that explains why you’ve never filed before.

TOOTH FAIRY

I used to live in Belize – favorable banking laws – but Barry convinced me to move here and incorporate in Delaware. All the magical beings are doing it.

CLARK

Alright, I have no more questions for today. But we’re watching you, Tooth Fairy.

TOOTH FAIRY

Do you validate?

BLACKOUT: