INT. WASHINGTON D.C. BAR – EVENING

Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive” blares over the jukebox as dozens of inebriated POLITICIANS, CONGRESSIONAL LACKEYS, IRS AGENTS, and LAWYERS mob the bar. Some stand, some sit at tables, and some play darts. Now and then, several individuals pump their fists and shout the lyrics to the song.

A large group surrounds the MECHANICAL BULL in the corner. A RIDER climbs on the bull. Everyone cheers as the bull starts bucking, throwing the rider around like a rag doll.

CUT TO:

BOB and JEFF sit at a table in the middle of the bar.

A SCREAM and CRASH is heard off screen as the bull rider gets thrown off and flies past Bob and Jeff. All cheer. Bob and Jeff remain un-phased and sip their beers.

BOB

So, as I was saying, in the end, the guy tries to write off the cost of four thousand condoms, an arsonist, and a nuclear fallout shelter. I just rubber stamped it and sent him on his way. I asked myself, do I really, really want to know what goes on in Dick Cheney’s bedroom?

Both laugh and take a drink.

BOB

So, what are you guys thinking for next year? Any changes I should know about?

JEFF

I don’t know. Maybe some new deductions?

BOB

Like what?

Jeff pauses and then turns to TONY, the bar owner, who is wiping down the tables.

JEFF

Hey, Tony. What was your biggest expense this year?

Tony stops and thinks for a moment.

TONY

Underwear. Bought a lot of friggin underwear this year.

JEFF

There you go. Spastic colon deduction for the anxiety-plagued small business owner suffering from the threat of losing their business due to an unstable economy.

TONY

Can I also write off my Rogaine?

JEFF

Are you pulling out your own hair?

TONY

For the most part.

JEFF

Absolutely.

BOB

What else?

Jeff looks around and spots PAULIE at the next table leaning over his drink.

JEFF

Hey, guy?

Paulie sadly turns to look at Jeff.

JEFF

What do you see yourself spending most of your money on next year?

PAULIE

My eventual and accidental plummet off the roof of my office building.

Bob and Jeff pause and look at each other slightly concerned. Jeff then looks over at JIM who is playing darts.

JEFF

Jim! What are we doing with the death tax next year?

JIM

Good question. Give me a second to do the calculations.

JIM throws the first dart.

JIM

(to himself)

Eighteen... (throws the second dart) Plus five... (throws the third dart) Plus twelve...(to Jeff) thirty five percent of the excess over 80,000 dollars.

Jeff and Bob clench their jaws and grimace.

JEFF

(to Paulie)

Ouch. Sorry, buddy.

BOB

Don’t worry. There’s always next year.

Jeff and Bob turn away and smile. They cackle, clank glasses, and down their beers.

BOB

What else? What else?

JEFF

(to the rest of the bar)

Hey guys!

All turn and look at Jeff.

JEFF

What do you want to do about the earned income credit?!

ALL

Shrink it!

JEFF

What about the capital gains tax?!

ALL

Raise it!

JEFF

Itemized deductions?!

ALL

Burn it! Burn it! Burn it!

As the room chants, a LACKEY jumps up on the bar with a BEER BOTTLE and a 1040 FORM. He stuffs the 1040 form into the bottle, lights the paper, and throws the BOTTLE against the wall. The bottle explodes in a burst of glorious flames. All cheer as the lackey dives into the crowd.

TONY

Guys, come on. This is my place of business not a friggin rodeo!

SCREAM and CRASH is heard off screen as another man gets thrown off the bull.

BOB and JEFF plop down and continue to drink. ANDY, a young IRS agent, comes up to Bob and Jeff.

ANDY

Hey guys, I know I’m new here, but I have an idea. Now, stop me if this sounds a bit crazy. But what if we were to provide extra tax incentives for students who choose to teach after college?

The room suddenly goes silent. Everyone glares at Andy. All then burst out in uproarious laughter.

JEFF

I tell you what, rookie. If you can stay on that mechanical bull for more than 10 seconds...

SCREAM and CRASH is heard off screen.

JEFF (CONT’D)

I’ll not only send your kids to college but I’ll slip a loophole in there where you can write off your kid’s post-college existential crisis.

Andy excitedly runs off screen over to the bull.

JEFF

Dummy doesn’t realize that if he claims that he’ll have to start filing quarterly.

Bob and Jeff finish their drinks and put on their coats. SCREAM and CRASH is heard off screen as Andy is thrown off the bull.

BOB

(yells to Andy)

Keep at it kid. You’re doing good. Harvard, here they come.

Bob and Jeff laugh as they walk toward the exit.

BOB

Hey, should we mess with them this year and write the whole book in early modern English?

JEFF

If thy dependenteth thus over the twenty fourth year of birth, thou shant claimest the bulketh of his worth.

BOB and JEFF cackle heartily. SCREAM and CRASH are heard as they exit.

BLACKOUT: