INT. IRS OFFICE – DAY
LUCKY THE LEPRECHAUN, in full green regalia, sits in the hotseat opposite Clark, who flips through a folder.
CLARK
It appears all your income for the past several years has been from speaking engagements?
Lucky speaks at Brogue Factor 9.
LUCKY
Aye. It’s lucrative but keeps me on the road a fair bit o’ time.
CLARK
Right, right. All your associated travel deductions appear to be in order. How did you get into that line of work, if you don’t mind me asking?
LUCKY
I was Under Secretary of State for Irish Affairs under Reagan, when Haig was runnin’ ol’ Foggy Bottom. But Georgie Shultz and I di’n’t see eye t’eye on Sinn Fein and I got the heave ho.
CLARK
Interesting.
(beat)
I’m curious about these deductions you have listed under “Personal Defense”.
LUCKY
Aye. It’s those fookin’ kids, always after me Lucky Charms.
CLARK
Excuse me?
Lucky gives Clark the old evil eye.
LUCKY
Don’t act innocent, Mr. Frenell. I distinctly recall one Saturday morn back in ’78 when you was a wee lad.
CLARK
I wouldn’t know what you’re talking about. My mother wouldn’t let me eat sugary cereal. Said it’d rot my teeth.
He flashes a toothy grin; all his choppers in place and solid as marble.
LUCKY
(relaxing)
I musta been mistaken. Do forgive me.
CLARK
So these deductions?
LUCKY
Aye. You’ve got yer garden variety glamours and defensive spells, manna to keep me magic power charged, and
(conspiratorially)
I know a fellow in New Orleans. Dabbles in Voodoo. From time t’ time I stop in and pick up the odd root or herb.
CLARK
Mr. Leprechaun, I’m required to report any illegal activity – including possession or use of narcotics – to the appropriate agency. Do you have any of these substances on your person?
LUCKY
Tis all natural, I swear! Not an illicit substance in the bunch. Ye have me word. And no. I’ve none o’ me magic materials with me.
CLARK
Good, good.
Clark presses the intercom button on his phone.
CLARK (CONT’D)
Margaret, please send them in.
LUCKY
Send who in?
The door flies open...
LUCKY (CONT’D)
You bastard! You set me up!
A LITTLE BOY and LITTLE GIRL run in and jump Lucky.
LUCKY (CONT’D)
(muffled)
I’ll get ye fer this, you bloody fook!
The little boy comes up with TWO BOWLS OF CEREAL and hands one to Clark. The little girl comes up with her own. Lucky is trussed like a Christmas goose.
LUCKY (CONT’D)
Enjoy them while ye can. Lucky’ll have has revenge!
BLACKOUT: