FADE IN: 

INT. IRS OFFICE – DAY

Typical government office: small and cheap, with a desk, some chairs, and tidy stacks of papers everywhere.

MRS. PURCELL (50s, professional) sits at the desk, typing into an old PC.

GARY (20s, cheap suit, nervy) pokes his head in.

MRS. PURCELL

Gary! Welcome to your audit!

GARY

Mom?

MRS. PURCELL

Gary, I’m acting in my official capacity as an auditor, here, so you should call me “Mrs. Purcell”.

Gary takes a seat across from his mother.

Mrs. Purcell picks out a stack of papers and looks it over.

MRS. PURCELL

Let’s start with the basics. Still... single. Still... a writer.

GARY

You’re doing my audit?

She plucks out a sheet of paper.

MRS. PURCELL

Now, this list of charitable donations --

GARY

Oh, yeah, that trip to Goodwill.

MRS. PURCELL

You used an out-of-date estimation worksheet!

GARY

Oh no.

MRS. PURCELL

No, this means that you actually should have gotten a refund!

GARY

Whew! Great!

MRS. PURCELL

But what about this item: “cast-iron household decorations?”

GARY

Oh, that --

MRS. PURCELL

The ones Aunt Terry gave you?

GARY

Mom, I --

MRS. PURCELL

“Mrs. Purcell!”

GARY

Mrs. Purcell, it was a nice gift, but Juliet’s particular about decorating.

MRS. PURCELL

That reminds me -- why aren’t you kids filing jointly?

GARY

We don’t --

MRS. PURCELL

You’ve been together two years.

GARY

That’s true --

MRS. PURCELL

You’re engaged, right?

GARY

We’ve talked about marriage, Mom.

MRS. PURCELL

“Mrs. Purcell!”

GARY

Mrs. Purcell. It’s not the same thing.

MRS. PURCELL

Is it a money thing?

GARY

No.

MRS. PURCELL

I mean, looking at your taxable income -- maybe she’s holding out for somebody more... solvent.

GARY

I’m not getting a different job, Mom.

MRS. PURCELL

It’s “Mrs. --”

GARY

Mrs. Purcell.

MRS. PURCELL

I’m just saying that maybe you should be a little better with your money. You’ve donated 0 to -- the Obama campaign?

GARY

Oh, god.

MRS. PURCELL

I’ll just assume you didn’t know what he was planning to do to the tax structure.

GARY

Can we not argue about this now?

MRS. PURCELL

At least set up a 529 college fund. You know, for when your kids --

GARY

We’ve been over this. I don’t even like kids.

MRS. PURCELL

Well, that’s because you haven’t had any yet!

Gary stands.

GARY

You know what, Mom? I don’t know how many ethics violations it is for you to do your own son’s audit, but I’m done with this.

MRS. PURCELL

Gary, it’s illegal to --

GARY

-- then have me arrested.

Gary exits. SLAM.

MRS. PURCELL

Oh dear.

Linda (20s, professional) pokes her head in.

LINDA

Was there a problem, Mrs. Purcell?

MRS. PURCELL

Oh no, Linda, his returns are fine.

Linda makes to leave; Mrs. Purcell stops her.

MRS. PURCELL

But, put him on the watch list and schedule an audit for next year.

Mrs. Purcell tidies up her desk.

MRS. PURCELL

I think we should keep an eye on him.

FADE TO BLACK.