I appear to be the first one out of the gate this morning. But since Richard and Ken are in later time zones, I suppose they could still be waking up. Or perhaps trying to shake off all the folksy charm that was slung at us last night. Especially Richard, who was live blogging the debate on his new site.

At any rate, even though the politcos have been screaming that the sky is falling, it appears to be firmly in place. Nonetheless, the theme was Apocalypse, so that’s what I bring you.

Enjoy.

The Dream Scenario OR How Dick Never Stopped Loving the Bomb

(A secret, underground bunker somewhere in the Midwest. Uniformed men sit at consoles and radar displays pushing buttons and looking very official. Suddenly an alarm goes off; a red light begins to flash. Commander Marcus and Captain Briggs rush into the room.)

Marcus: Corporal, report!

Corp: It’s the President, sir, he’s dead.

Briggs: My God.

Marcus: Prepare launch coordinates Alpha-Zulu-Foxtrot.

Briggs: Commander, we don’t know even know how he was killed, how can we launch an attack?

Marcus: Captain, I have my orders.

Briggs: Corporal, what’s the status of the President’s death?

Corp: They’re saying it was a heart attack, sir.

Briggs: A heart attack?

Marcus: Prepare launch sequence on my mark, Corporal.

Briggs: Commander, he died of natural causes. There’s no need for a strike.

Marcus: Mark!

Briggs: Commander, wait, we’re about to start a war for no reason…

Corporal: Launch sequence initiated, sir.

Marcus: Captain, either you let me do my job or I’ll have you thrown in the brig for treason.

Briggs: But what’s the target? Who are we bombing?

(A secret door opens and Dick Cheney, dressed like Patton, strides into the room.)

Cheney: Washington, D.C.

Briggs: But –

Cheney: President McCain is dead and it’s our duty to protect this country from its enemies.

Briggs: By bombing the Capitol? Surely, Vice President Palin can…

Cheney: What? Skin us a moose? No, son, we’re going to finish what we started eight years ago. Only this time we’re going to do it right.

Briggs: But a nuclear bomb detonating over D.C. will kill hundreds of thousands of people.

Cheney: And when the American people find out it was the Iranians who launched it. Well. (He chuckles to himself.)

Briggs: This is a coup. I can’t let you do this.

Cheney: If you aren’t with us, Captain, then you must be with them. Commander.

Marcus: Captain, you are relieved of duty. Guards, take him to the brig.

Corporal: Ten seconds to launch, sir.

(The Guards grab the Captain.)

Briggs: But this could lead to World War III.

Cheney: God willing.

(They begin to drag him away.)

Briggs: You can’t do this! This is murder!

(They drag him from the room. In the distance a great rumbling sound is heard.)

Corporal: The bird’s away, sir.

Cheney: Remind me to send those boys at Diebold a fruit basket. They made their country proud last November. Knew McCain’s ticker wouldn’t last the year.

Marcus: Yes, sir. And might I say, it’s good to have you back, sir.

(Cheney stares at him through squinted eyes.)

Cheney: I will not tolerate faggots in my military!

Marcus: No, sir, I was merely saying…

Cheney: “Merely”? “Merely”? Who uses that word?

(Cheney pulls out a .45 and shoots Commander Marcus in the face.)

Cheney: Somebody clean up this mess.

(He hunches over the Corporal.)

Cheney: Let’s get two more of those rockets ready.

Corporal: Targets, sir?

Cheney: Point one at New York City and the other at Los Angeles. Might as well do a little of the Lord’s work while we’re here. This country will be much stronger without its Sodom and Gomorrah.

Corporal: Yes, sir.

(The secret door opens and George W. Bush skips in.)

George: Hey, Dick, you ready for me yet? Oh wow! Look at all these buttons!

(George leaps toward the control panel and starts flipping switches and pressing buttons. Cheney grabs him.)

Cheney: Dammit! I thought I told you to wait until I came for you.

George: I know, but the Veggie Tales video was over and I couldn’t find where you hid the juice boxes.

Cheney: Go back to your room. I’ll get you another juice box in a minute.

George: But I’m thirsty now, Dick.

Cheney: Do you want a time out?

George: No. You never let me have any fun.

(George leaves. More rumblings.)

Corporal: Uh, sir. We just launched three more rockets.

Cheney: Where are they headed?

Corporal: I got the coordinates in for New York and L.A.

Cheney: What about the third one?

Corporal: Looks like it’s on course to strike Israel.

Cheney: That’s a lucky break. Just goes to show you that God is on our side. All right, Corporal, you’re in command here now. I’ve got to prepare Corky in there for his address to the nation.

Corporal: Yes, sir.

Cheney: Man, I love this job!

(Cheney exits whistling “Hail to the Chief”.)

END