INT. SET OF THE SECRET WORLD OF DICK CHENEY

MUSIC plays as DICK CHENEY, dressed in a technicolor CAPE and glitter bopper ANTENNA HEADBAND, sits on a chair in the center of a carnivalesque set replica of the oval office (crazy pinks and greens, oddly shaped furniture, polka dot wallpaper, etc).

Sitting on a brightly colored rug engraved with the presidential seal, a dozen KIDS surround Cheney in a semi-circle.

Next to Cheney, a shackled PRISONER, sporting an orange jumpsuit, long scraggly hair, and beard bangs on a tambourine and performs a crazy, disjointed jig to the music. A GUARD holds the prisoner by the chain carefully watching over his actions.

Continuing to bop along to the song, which is set to the Beatles’ tune “(With Love) from Me to You”, Cheney begins to sing.

CHENEY

(low, gravelly voice)

Da, da, dah, da, da dum, dum dah... everybody, sing!

Kids suddenly chime in, singing and playing their third grade instruments (tambourines, recorders, maracas, kazoos, etc).

ALL

There are many things in this world/ That don’t operate like they should/ But I’m here today/ To send you away/ Think-ing Git-mo is good.

MUSIC slows.

CHENEY

(even lower, more gravelly voice)

But I’m here today/ To send you away/ Think-ing Git-mo is good.

MUSIC ends. ALL clap.

ALL

Yay!

Prisoner jumps around clapping happily, banging on his tambourine. Guard yanks his chain forcing him backwards.

CHENEY

Let’s give a hand for our perfectly healthy and happy guest from Gitmo. Number 12687. Remember, kids, as long as its not torture, its okay.

KIDS

Yay!

Guard walks the happy, bouncy prisoner offstage.  OFF-SCREEN, a loud SMACK and then a gut-wrenching SCREAM is heard.

CHENEY

Alright kids, let’s all go over and find out what today’s secret word is, shall we?

Cheney slowly gets up and hobbles over to a small CABINET on the other side of the stage.

CHENEY

(singing)

Oh, Rummy?!

Cheney knocks on the top of the cabinet.

The doors of the cabinet fly open to reveal the floating head of DONALD “RUMMY” RUMSFELD.

RUMMY

(raspy voice)

Yeeeaas, Mr. Cheney.

CHENEY

Do you, by chance, know what today’s secret word is?

RUMMY

The secret word today is “axis of evil.” Oooooh...

As the cabinet doors magically close, Rummy lets out a maniacal cackle, which is quickly interrupted by violent coughing.

CHENEY

Thank you, Rummy. (hobbling back over to his chair) Did you hear that kids? You all remember what to do every time someone says the secret word, right?

KIDS

Orange alert!

High pitched ALARM goes off. LIGHTS flash chaotically. Kids reach behind their backs, grab their GAS MASKS, and put them on.

CHENEY

That’s right! But put those away.

Alarm and lights cease. Kids take off their masks and set them off to the side.

Letting out a low groan, Cheney lowers himself down in his chair.

A POSTER BOARD, covered by a sparkly black CLOTH, has suddenly appeared and is now resting on an EASEL next to Cheney.

CHENEY (CONT’D)

Because, right now, I want to talk to you about something very serious. Something very important. Boys and girls, today, we’re going to talk about stranger dangers. Do you know what a stranger danger is?

KID #1

It’s a bad person.

KIDS

Bad person!

CHENEY

That’s right boys and girls. And do you know who are the meanest, most baddest stranger dangers of them all?

KIDS

Whoooo!

Cheney reaches over to the poster board and pulls off the cloth to reveal two large tabloid-style PHOTOGRAPHS of Barack Obama and Joe Biden. Obama glares ahead with a furrowed brow, while Biden points and screams at something.

CHENEY

Can you say recklessness cloaked in righteousness?

KIDS

Wecklesssness clucked in whitechusness.

CHENEY

Very good. Democra... stranger dangers want to take away your daddy’s job and give it to your mommy.  They want to kill your unborn brothers and sisters. And worst of all, they want to let bad men blow up Mommy, Daddy, and your doggie.

KIDS

Boooo!

CHENEY

So, what do we do if a Democra... stranger danger comes up to us? What do we say?

KIDS

No!

CHENEY

And what else?

KIDS

Choose life.

CHENEY

Then, what do we do?

Kids pull out toy GUNS, squeeze the triggers, and release suction cup DARTS at the pictures of Biden and Obama.

CHENEY

Very good boys and girls. I think this calls for another song.

MUSIC begins playing the tune “The Wheels on the Bus.”

ALL

The wheels on the bus go up and down/ Round and round/ Up and down/ The wheels on the bus go up and down/ All through the town.

Kids start clapping in rhythm to the music and playing their instruments.

CHENEY

The bomb on the bus goes boom, boom, boom/ When there’s no camera/ In your room/ The bomb on the bus goes boom, boom, boom/ And then the terrorists win.

MUSIC ends.

ALL

Yay!

CHENEY

Speaking of cameras, let’s go over to our secret surveillance corner and see who’s on TV today.

Cheney hobbles over to the surveillance corner on the other side of the stage and turns on the VIDEO MONITOR. Monitor shows three older WOMEN in power suits standing in a hallway laughing.

CHENEY

It’s Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, and Dianne Feinstein.  Now, that’s what I call the axis of evil.

KIDS

Orange alert!

A high pitched ALARM goes off. LIGHTS flash chaotically. Kids scramble to put on their masks.

CHENEY

That’s right, boys and girls! Make sure you get those masks on all the way.  Strap ’em on tight!

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