So, my extensive apartment hunting has lead me to the realization that anytime you see “cozy,” “clean,” or “cheap,” run away… run far away. And don’t ever trust Mr. Hsu. At some point, I was actually expecting him break out with, “With a capital T, that rhymes with P and that stands for Pool.” A fine rainmaking, snake-oil salesman. This one’s for you Mr. Hsu.
INT. HALLWAY – APARTMENT BUILDING – DAY
JOHN and JAN, a thirty something couple, tentatively walk up the hallway stairs of a grungy, run down apartment building. MR. HSU, an older Chinese gentleman dressed in an oversized corduroy jacket and Velcro sneakers, follows behind. He speaks in broken English.
JOHN
So, you’re telling me that that man, sitting outside on the stoop, holding the shotgun... he’s security?
HSU
That right. Better than ADT.
JAN
Okay, but what about all of the needles lying in the hallway.
As they make it to the top of the stairs, Hsu hurriedly pushes his way past John and Jan toward the apartment door. He fumbles with his KEYS.
HSU
Lot of sick people in building. Diabetic. No worry. Good neighborhood. Charlie Chaplin live here.
Hsu finds the correct key and unlocks the door.
HSU
So, this is apartment.
Hsu opens the door.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING AREA OF SMALL APARTMENT
Door abruptly slams against the 1950’s Kelvinator REFRIGERATOR located in the kitchen area next to the front door.
John and Jan cautiously walk into the run down studio apartment which happens to be the size of a large walk-in closet. Paint is caked on the walls, the floors are dirty, and a large RED SPLOTCH resides on the wall opposite the front door. Most of the space is taken up by ancient KITCHEN APPLIANCES (refrigerator, sink, hot plate, etc.). Note that there is no stove.
Hsu follows after John and Jan and closes the door.
HSU
Very nice. Very large. You like?
Muffled SCUFFLING and ARGUING are heard from apartment below.
John and Jan look down at the floor, at each other, and then around at the horrific apartment.
JAN
It seems a little cramped to me.
HSU
It cozy. Even have state of art kitchen. See?
John and Jan struggle to maintain their balance as Hsu hurriedly squeezes past them and into the kitchen area. Hsu turns on the faucet.
HSU
Nice. Running water.
Hsu picks up HOT PLATE and shows it to Jan.
HSU
And hot plate. Make soup and other things.
JAN
No stove?
John grabs and jiggles the handle of the refrigerator. After a few seconds struggling with it, the door finally flies open.
JOHN
(sarcastically)
Yes, certainly state of the art.
Casually glancing at the inside of the refrigerator, John suddenly lets out a high-pitched scream.
JOHN
Aaah!
JAN
What?
JOHN
(pointing inside the fridge)
What is that?!
Jan looks in the refrigerator aghast.
JAN
Holy mother!
HSU
What? What you talk ’bout?
Hsu squeezes past John and Jan and peers inside the refrigerator.
HSU
Oh, that. He your pet. Come free with apartment. Put string round neck, walk him round bathroom. Live on crumbs. No problem.
Hsu walks back out to the middle of the apartment and looks around.
HSU
So, what you think ’bout place. You take it?
Attempting to answer, John and Jan are interrupted by the couple arguing in the apartment downstairs.
WOMAN (O.S.)
Well, I don’t care if you like it or not. You’re going to my mother’s house!
MAN (O.S.)
You’re mother is a raving lunatic!
SLAM and CRASH are heard.
JAN
Are they like this all the time?
HSU
Who?
JAN
The couple downstairs.
JOHN
Honestly, we’re looking for a quiet place. If they’re always arguing like this...
HSU
Oh, couple downstairs? No. No. They not fighting.
JAN
What do you call it then?
HSU
They actors. Actors. They do play.
Arguing grows louder.
WOMAN (O.S.)
You stay away from my Hummel collection!
MAN (O.S.)
Give me back thirty years of my life, and we’ll talk!
JAN
Doesn’t sound like any play I’d want to see.
HSU
No. It play. How you say, (carefully) who’s a-fraid of... uh...
JOHN
Virginia Woolf?
HSU
Sure. Sure. Virginia Woolf.
JOHN
So, you know your Broadway shows.
HSU
Anyway, you like place? Sign lease? Move in tomorrow?
As he holds out a CLIPBOARD and PEN, John squeezes past Hsu and makes his way over to the red splotch on the opposite wall.
JOHN
What’s this?
HSU
What what?
JOHN
Why is there a splatter mark in the shape of a person on the wall? And what’s this gooey grey matter?
Upon closer investigation, John carefully touches the splatter on the wall. He then leans in and sniffs it.
JOHN
Is that...
HSU
Blood? What blood? No, no. That pop art.
JAN
Pop art? Because it looks like...
HSU
No, no. New style. Everybody do it. Very hot now. Very in.
A violent CRASH and the sound of glass SHATTERING resonates from the downstairs apartment.
WOMAN (O.S.)
That’s it, you son-of-a-bitch!
MAN (O.S.)
Come on! You think you’re so tough. Just try it! Try it!
As a door SLAMS downstairs, the LIGHT FIXTURE from apartment ceiling falls and crashes on the floor.
John and Jan look at each other with concern.
HSU
Don’t worry. It do that all the time. Easy fix.
JOHN
Yeah, you know, I don’t think this is the place for us.
HSU
But Charlie Chaplin live...
JOHN
We have to go. I’m sorry.
John and Jan squeeze past Hsu making their way toward the front door. Hsu follows them.
HSU
Mickey Rooney? Uh, Bette Mid-e-ler!
Downstairs, a wild RUCKUS ensues. Suddenly, a GUNSHOT rings out.
Traveling through the apartment floor, a BULLET strikes Hsu in the shoulder. Hsu falls.
John and Jan turn around and run over to Hsu.
JOHN
You alright? (looking at Hsu’s shoulder) Oh man, call an ambulance. Bullet came right through the floor.
Jan attempts to open the front door, but the DOOR KNOB breaks off. She frantically tries to put the knob back in the door to open it.
JOHN (CONT’D)
(chuckling to himself)
We are definitely NOT taking this apartment.
Laying on the floor, Hsu motions for John to come down to his level. As John leans down, Hsu lifts his head and weakly whispers in John’s ear.
HSU
(pointing to floor)
Not bullet hole.
JOHN
Huh? What?
HSU
Peephole.
JOHN
What?
HSU
Peep-HOLE.
Hsu demonstrates by looking through the hole in the floor.
HSU
See?
BLACKOUT: