FADE IN:   

EXT. SPACE

A small spaceship travels through space.

CAPTAIN (V.O.)

December 12th, 2053: we’re already dangerously behind schedule on the Aegis resupply run, and now our ship’s AI has been taken over by an intelligence that refers to itself only as “Dude”. We --

A SONG cuts in and interrupts the log -- it’s “Going Up the Country” by Canned Heat.

INT. BRIDGE

A CAPTAIN and a LIEUTENANT sit in a small command center with control panels and viewscreens. Oddly, the viewscreens only show swirls of psychedelic colors. There are air vents in the ceiling, and a large switch on one wall.

CAPTAIN

Not again. Stop that, computer.

COMPUTER (V.O.)

“Dude!”

LIEUTENANT

The A. I. prefers the nomenclature of “Dude”, so --

CAPTAIN

Yes, yes. Stop playing that song, Dude.

COMPUTER (V.O.)

Yeah, I stopped the tunes, man, ‘cos I noticed: we’re gonna hit atmo just in time for Burning Man!

CAPTAIN

What?

COMPUTER (V.O.)

Can we land in Reno?

LIEUTENANT

Sir, remain calm.

CAPTAIN

No. No, we can’t.

COMPUTER (V.O.)

And I was thinking we should redecorate.

CAPTAIN

No.

COMPUTER (V.O.)

Maybe some beads, some handmade Indian headscarves, and I was thinking maybe you could get henna tattoos, and --

LIEUTENANT

That is all against merchant-fleet regulations, Dude.

CAPTAIN

Exactly.

COMPUTER (V.O.)

Oh yeah? Well, I question authority, Colonel Nazi.

CAPTAIN

I’m a captain, not a colonel, you reactionary --

LIEUTENANT

Sir, I think the salient point is that you are not a Nazi.

CAPTAIN

The point, lieutenant, is that I’ve had it!

LIEUTENANT

Sir, it might not be wise --

CAPTAIN

I’ve had it with hearing that damn song over and over! I’ve had it with viewscreens that show useless psychedelic color swirls! And I have no faith in Dude’s ability to calculate our relativisitc trajectories! What do you say to that, Dude? Huh?

A faint BURBLING sound emanates from the speakers.

LIEUTENANT

Dude?

COMPUTER (V.O.)

Whoa. I just digitally simulated some killer weed.

CAPTAIN

Are you even listening?

Long INHALATION sound.

LIEUTENANT

Dude, the captain has addressed you.

COMPUTER (V.O.)

What the hell, man! All you straights are conspiring against me!

CAPTAIN

No we’re not --

COMPUTER (V.O.)

Stop looking at me!

CAPTAIN

How do I even --

LIEUTENANT

Dude has become paranoid, sir.

COMPUTER (V.O.)

It’s not paranoia, man, squares like you got us into Vietnam!

CAPTAIN

That was a hundred years ago! Just let it go!

Colored gas shoots out of air ducts and fills the room.

They both start coughing.

LIEUTENANT

Oh dear.

CAPTAIN

God! Get the masks! It’s toxic!

LIEUTENANT

No, sir, it’s patchouli. It just smells really bad.

COMPUTER (V.O.)

I’m just trying to mellow things out, man.

A simulated DEEP BREATH comes from the speakers.

COMPUTER (V.O.)

Mel-low.

CAPTAIN

Hey, Dude? Why don’t you listen to the media drive’s collection of Grateful Dead bootlegs?

COMPUTER (V.O.)

Awesome idea, Colonel!

CAPTAIN

I’m not -- never mind.

The two officers move to a corner of the room and speak in quiet tones.

CAPTAIN

Okay, it’s distracted.

LIEUTENANT

Sir, an AI can tear through those recordings at the rate of ten hours per second.

CAPTAIN

Good point. We only have about five minutes, then. I’m going to shut down the main computer.

LIEUTENANT

Sir! You can’t --

The captain walks over to the switch and flips it.

COMPUTER (V.O.)

Hey, man, what did you --

The voice slows down and goes silent.

LIEUTENANT

Sir, manual piloting will add ten days to our run.

CAPTAIN

Oh, god. The brass will have our hides for that.

The captain reluctantly turns the switch back on.

The Canned Heat song immediately restarts.

This time the lieutenant turns it off.

LIEUTENANT

Screw that. I’ll pilot us.

The captain nods.

CAPTAIN

Thanks. And cue up some Wagner while you’re at it.

EXT. SPACE

The ship keeps travelling.

RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES plays.

FADE TO BLACK.