Of late, I’ve been feeling dry and uninspired (wonder if there’s an ointment for that). Anyway, I know this isn’t the best thing next to double stuffed oreo cookies, but its the first sketch in a while that I didn’t have to strap myself to the keyboard to write. I really didn’t know how to approach the topic this week. Since I barely understand the Madoff’s Ponzi scheme, I thought that it would be fun to see how kids might look at it. Eh. Or not. In any case, I had fun writing this.
INT. GIRL’S BEDROOM – DAY
A group of 10-year-old BOYS and GIRLS congregate in an obviously girlish bedroom. SUZY stands in the middle of the room draped in an adult-sized power pantsuit and pearls. JOHNNY and LISA stand around waiting for something to happen while BILLY, wearing an adult-sized grey button down shirt – complete with rolled up sleeves, tie, and a Wolverine battle claw – jumps up and down on the bed.
BILLY
What are we doing, again?
Billy plops down on the bed.
SUZY
We’re playing house. I’m Ruth and you’re Bernie Madoff
JOHNNY
Who are they?
LISA
Daddy said they’re bad people.
BILLY
They gave money to Fonzi.
SUZY
Lisa, you’re the Subscurities Change Agent.
JOHNNY
Who am I?
SUZY
(guiding Johnny toward the bed)
Here. You sit next to Billy. You’re a gardener. You sell hedges to people. You have ten cars, two houses and five trillion dollars.
As he sits down next to Billy, Suzy hands Johnny a wad of Monopoly money.
BILLY
So, what am I doing?
SUZY
You’re talking to Johnny. You’re trying to get him to give you money to give to Fonzi.
Billy turns to Johnny who is now sitting on the bed.
BILLY
Will you give me money to give to Fonzi?
SUZY
No, you have to be sneakier than that.
Billy turns back to Johnny and hunches over. He glances around sneakily.
BILLY
(whispering)
Will you give me money to give to Fonzi?
SUZY
No! Argh!
BILLY
What do you mean, then?
SUZY
You can’t just ask him for the money to give to Fonzi. You have to say it’s for something else.
Billy turns to Johnny.
BILLY
Johnny, will you give me money? Fonzi needs an operation.
SUZY
No, no, no.
BILLY
This is stupid!
JOHNNY
Yeah, can’t we play Battleship or something?
SUZY
No, okay. So, Billy, you tell Johnny that, if he gives you money for Fonzi, then you’ll give him something.
BILLY
What should I give ’em?
SUZY
What do you have?
Billy pulls out his pockets.
BILLY
Nothin’. Just a piece of gum and a cracker.
SUZY
That’s about right.
LISA
What about me? What do I do?
SUZY
Okay, you wait until Johnny hands over the money. Then, you bust down the door.
LISA
Why?
SUZY
Because Billy is stealing Johnny’s money, stupid.
LISA
Shouldn’t I be a police officer, then?
SUZY
No, it’s not that kind of crime.
LISA
What kind of crime is it?
SUZY
Daddy calls it a white collar crime.
JOHNNY
What’s a white collar crime?
SUZY
I dunno. I guess the guys have white collars?
BILLY
Then shouldn’t I have a white collar, too? My shirt’s grey.
SUZY
Here.
Suzy walks over to the night table, grabs several white tissues from the Kleenex box, and stuffs them in Billy’s collar.
JOHNNY
What about me? I got a blue a collar.
SUZY
That’s okay. My daddy says white collar people steal from blue collar people all the time.
LISA
Are we going to play or what? I have to be home soon.
SUZY
(sighs)
Alright.
Lisa walks out of the room and closes the door. Billy and Johnny get set up on the bed. Suzy sits in a chair off to the side.
BILLY
Johnny, you need to give me your money. If you give me your money, I’ll give you my last stick of gum and a cracker. Deal?
JOHNNY
Okay. It’s a deal.
They shake hands. Johnny hands over the wad of Monopoly money to Billy. Billy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a clump of Hubba Bubba.
Suddenly, Lisa kicks open the door which promptly recoils and smashes her in the forehead.
LISA
Ow!
She rubs her forehead and slowly opens the door. She makes a gun with her hand, runs in the room, and points it at Billy.
LISA
Freeze, Bernie!
BILLY
It’s the Subscurities Change Officer! What are you doing here?
LISA
You’re under arrest!
BILLY
Oh yeah?!
Billy makes a gun with his hand and points it at Lisa.
JOHNNY
Oh yeah?!
Johnny makes a gun with his hand and points it at Billy.
LISA
I’m warning you. Don’t move. Or I’ll shoot.
All smile and suddenly start making gunshot noises, shooting their finger guns at one another. They run around the room, hiding behind various objects.
Suzy gets up from her chair and runs into the middle of the room obviously upset.
SUZY
No! That’s not what’s supposed to happen!
BILLY
(to Lisa)
Hey! I got you! You’re supposed to be dead.
SUZY
Come on guys!
LISA
(to Billy)
No, I’m not. I have an invisible forcefield around me. Schwa!
Lisa motions with a sweeping hand gesture as if she was putting up a forcefield.
BILLY
(to Lisa)
Oh yeah?! Well, I have my Wolverine electronic battle claw.
Billy holds up the claw and pretends he’s deflecting bullets.
BILLY
Ting. Ting.
SUZY
(yelling over everyone)
You can’t use guns!
JOHNNY
Well, what are we supposed to do?
SUZY
You’re just supposed to handcuff Billy and walk him out the door.
LISA
Well, that’s no fun.
JOHNNY
Yeah.
BILLY
Hey, wait a minute. What are you supposed to be doing?
JOHNNY
Yeah, you’re just sitting there.
SUZY
I told you. I’m Ruth Madoff.
LISA
But you’re not doing anything.
SUZY
Exactly.
BLACKOUT: