FADE IN: 

EXT. LONDON STREET – NIGHT

STREET NOISE.

CLOSE IN on a small PLAQUE that reads “The Detectives’ Club” -- below it in smaller type, “Founded 1887.”

AFFABLE ARISTOCRAT (V.O.)

Tonight inks a black mark on the Detectives’ Club’s record, I’m afraid.

INT. THE DETECTIVES’ CLUB, 1937 – NIGHT

In a staid English club, an ENGLISH BOBBY lies sprawled and motionless on the floor.

Next to him, the AFFABLE ARISTOCRAT gives a speech to the other members.

Several detectives -- a LITTLE OLD LADY, a CHEERFUL INDIAN DOCTOR, an ELEGANT RUSSIAN COUNTESS -- sit in overstuffed chairs, while a LARGE DRUNK MAN sleeps fitfully in the chair closest to the fireplace.

Behind them, a large crowd of MISCELLANEOUS DETECTIVES stands and listens.

AFFABLE ARISTOCRAT

One of our own has suffered the receiving end of Fortune’s billy club, murdered in this very hall. But this is the club where England’s finest detective minds come to let down their h and tipple back their g’s and t’s, so we should have this well sorted before Chief Inspector Comstock --

Everyone GROANS at the name.

AFFABLE ARISTOCRAT

-- makes his usual dog’s breakfast of things.

LITTLE OLD LADY

I am certain we can find the wrongdoer in a week.

CHEERFUL INDIAN DOCTOR

Even to solve it in three days would seem reasonable.

ELEGANT RUSSIAN COUNTESS

Me? Twenty-four hours.

CHEERFUL INDIAN DOCTOR

Oh, my dear, that is very much implausible.

The aristocrat produces a sheet of paper.

AFFABLE ARISTOCRAT

He did have this annotated railroad timetable in his pocket, but that’s all we have in the way of physical evidence.

CHEERFUL INDIAN DOCTOR

Even the greatest sweater can be unraveled by the slenderest thread, my good sir.

LITTLE OLD LADY

I solved the Branching Hills Murder with no physical evidence at all!

ELEGANT RUSSIAN COUNTESS

Know what I think of ‘evidence’?

She nabs the timetable and throws it in the fireplace.

AFFABLE ARISTOCRAT

Why on earth did you --

ELEGANT RUSSIAN COUNTESS

I like a challenge. This crime scene shall lead me to the perpetrator via inexorable logic.

CHEERFUL INDIAN DOCTOR

Oh, you need the scene of the crime, countess?

The Indian gentleman begins tampering with the crime scene, moving the body around, shifting furniture.

CHEERFUL INDIAN DOCTOR

Only an amateur has the requirement of a proper crime scene!

ELEGANT RUSSIAN COUNTESS

Very well. I shall rely only on forensic evidence from the corpse.

LITTLE OLD LADY

(sarcastic)

Ooh! Forensic evidence!

ELEGANT RUSSIAN COUNTESS

Ma’am?

LITTLE OLD LADY

Yes of course, you may use forensic evidence if you’re a drooling, child-like cretin. I shall only require conversing with my fellow detectives.

AFFABLE ARISTOCRAT

I rather think we should focus on solving the crime as effectively as --

LITTLE OLD LADY

Do you think you could handle that limitation, countess?

ELEGANT RUSSIAN COUNTESS

You’re on.

CHEERFUL INDIAN DOCTOR

You are on with me as well. From here on out, interview evidence only.

Meanwhile, the large drunk man rouses himself awake and gets unsteadily to his feet.

He takes in the scene.

LARGE DRUNK MAN

Excuse me. I shall now retire to my well-appointed study, whereat I shall lock myself inside and root out the malefactor using only my imagination and copious quantities of cocaine. Good day.

He gets up and staggers towards the door.

ELEGANT RUSSIAN COUNTESS

That dipsomaniac will solve nothing.

An uproar! The seated detectives and the extras AD LIB agitated responses pro and con.

Meanwhile, the English bobby wakes up with an obvious headache.

ENGLISH BOBBY

Oh, me loaf of bread hurts like murder.

CHEERFUL INDIAN DOCTOR

Look! It would appear our unfortunate victim is not entirely dead.

LITTLE OLD LADY

(disappointed)

Oh.

ENGLISH BOBBY

‘fraid I carried out a lengthy investigation into the club’s brandy collection last night.

ELEGANT RUSSIAN COUNTESS

This is ridiculous!

Everyone but the aristocrat AD LIBS indignation.

The aristocrat helps him up.

AFFABLE ARISTOCRAT

Up you go. Let’s close the distance between yourself and a foul-tasting restorative.

ENGLISH BOBBY

Does this mean I’m out of the club?

AFFABLE ARISTOCRAT

With this pleasant brouhaha you’ve caused? You’re practically the mascot.

The detectives continue BICKERING in the background.

FADE TO BLACK.