FADE IN: 

EXT. HILLSIDE – DAY

A MAN plants a tree.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Once upon a time, a man planted an apricot tree.

The man exits.

TIME-LAPSE: the tree grows and bears fruit.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

And as the years passed, the tree grew up, and it bore fruit.

The man returns and looks excitedly at the tree.

He exits.

A bunch of ANIMALS enter and eat all the fruit.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Unfortunately, all its fruit got consumed by the local wildlife.

The animals exit.

The man re-enters wearing a napkin ’round his neck and holding a knife and fork.

He looks crestfallen.

While he’s not looking, one last ANIMAL enters, knocks down the tree, and leaves.

FADE TO:

EXT. A FENCED ENCLOSURE – DAY

A rickety, handmade fence surrounds a patch of ground.

The man plants a new seedling in the center of it.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

So, the man built a fence. And within that fence, he planted a second apricot tree.

The man exits.

TIME-LAPSE: the tree grows and bears fruit.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

It, too, grew to fruition.

The man returns and looks excitedly at the tree.

He exits.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Unfortunately, it was planted near a major motorway, and was taken out by an errant vehicle.

A truck, horns blaring, blasts through the fence, knocks down the tree, and drives off.

The man enters, again wearing a napkin ’round his neck and holding a knife and fork -- and immediately runs off after the departing vehicle.

FADE TO:

EXT. HILLSIDE – DAY

The man plants a new seedling in the ground.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

So, the man found a third plot of land far away from major roads. And in that plot, he planted a third apricot tree...

The man exits.

TIME-LAPSE: the tree grows and bears fruit.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

... which bore fruit.

The man returns and looks excitedly at the tree.

He exits.

The WHISTLE of a bomb dropping.

A large bomb lands on the tree.

Explosion.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Unfortunately, owing to unforeseeable vagaries of geopolitics, it was bombed into oblivion.

The man enters, sooty and slightly smoking, wearing a napkin ’round his neck and holding a knife and fork.

He exits.

EXT. DISTANT MEADOW – DAY

The middle of nowhere.

The man plants a new seedling in the ground.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

So, the man moved far away to a distant meadow. And in that meadow, he planted one last apricot tree.

The man exits.

TIME-LAPSE: the tree grows and bears fruit.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

And at last, the fruit was his.

The man returns, wearing a napkin ’round his neck and holding a knife and fork.

He grabs an apricot and eats it.

Suddenly he looks ill.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Unfortunately, he then discovered that he had a fatal allergy to all fruit of the Prunus subgenus, and he died on the spot.

He drops down dead.

FADE TO the same hillside, only with a tombstone next to the tree.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

What is the moral of the story? Perhaps it’s “Don’t eat strange fruit.”

The words “Don’t eat strange fruit.” appear on the tombstone.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Perhaps it’s “Never bother pursuing your dreams.”

The words “Never bother pursuing your dreams.” appear on the tombstone.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

But in fact, the moral is this: “Storytellers are wankers.”

The words “Storytellers are wankers.” appear on the tombstone.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

... and they will persist in torturing you just because, as soon as you get what you want, you are no longer useful to the story.

A SMALL CHILD wanders up to the tree and picks an apricot.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

So the next time you’re having a singularly bad day...

A BULLY walks up to the kid, punches the kid, and takes his apricot (even though there are a dozen more fruit up on the tree).

NARRATOR (V.O.)

... consider the possibility that you may be a fictional character.

The kid casts a worried look at the camera and slumps off.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

It won’t make you feel better...

The bully tries a bite of the apricot, grimaces, and throws it away.

Meanwhile, the man emerges halfway from the gravesite as a ZOMBIE (!).

The zombie notices the bully.

ZOMBIE

(cheerfully)

BRAAAIINNS!

NARRATOR (V.O.)

... but you’ll at least know to expect this sort of thing.

An ATV zooms in out of nowhere, takes out the zombie, and drives off.

The bully walks off, oblivious.

FADE OUT.