Even Nuttier Than It Appears


Here’s my take on the “LOST” edition of Sketchwar.

FADE IN: 

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

SANDRA and TIFFANY watch TV.

(Tiffany rather more intensely than Sandra.)

TV SINGERS (O.S.)

It’s wacky and Canadian! / It’s That Nutty Moose!

(After this TV title theme, nothing else from the television is clearly audible.)

TIFFANY

Look at that!

SANDRA

What?

TIFFANY

There’s a brown Nissan Sentra outside the bar.

SANDRA

Um. Yeah?

TIFFANY

It’s the exact same one that was way in the background in that curling scene last week.

SANDRA

Oh. Um, great.

TIFFANY

I’ll bet this means the Tim Hortons guy has a stalker.

ERIC enters.

TIFFANY

You’re late!

ERIC

What did I miss?

SANDRA

Eric. You hate That Nutty Moose.

ERIC

No way!

SANDRA

You called it “dull, derivative pabulum.”

ERIC

Only because I didn’t properly comprehend it, though. See, I’ve got a theory.

TIFFANY

Ooh!

SANDRA

What?

ERIC

The moose? is god.

TIFFANY

Wow!

ERIC

Just ponder it -- everyone whom the moose gazes directly at, is subsequently blessed in some way.

SANDRA

(deadpan)

You really think That Nutty Moose has supernatural elements?

ERIC

Okay, perhaps my theory is a bit ‘out there’ --

ALICIA makes a dramatic entrance.

ALICIA

Or PERHAPS it’s not OUT THERE ENOUGH!

ERIC

Oh, my. You look as though you have something to share with the class?

ALICIA

Get this: Jim the Mountie is actually dead!

SANDRA

But he just walked into the bar!

ALICIA

Exactly. What’s you’re seeing? That’s his ghost.

The argument gradually becomes heated.

ERIC

But we’ve never seen Mountie Jim die!

ALICIA

It could have happened off-camera!

ERIC

Technically, Mountie Jim could just be a figment of Doris’s imagination at this point.

TIFFANY

No, if Mountie Jim died, somebody would have said something about it!

ALICIA

PLEASE! We don’t even know if these episodes are in chronological ORDER!

SANDRA

What is wrong with you people? There are no hidden meanings in That Nutty Moose. It’s a light dramedy about a small town in

Saskatchewan!

ALICIA

And one that you, apparently, can’t appreciate properly!

TIFFANY

Yeah!

SANDRA

That’s it! All of you: out! Just leave me to watch my show in peace.

ALICIA

Sorry.

ERIC

It’s been tough, y’know, since --

SANDRA

Go!

Sandra shoos them all out.

FADE OUT.

OVER BLACK

TITLE: “On May 24th, LOST fans will be released back into the general population.”

ALICIA (V.O.)

I’ve got Fringe DVR’d.

TIFFANY (V.O.)

Eh.

ERIC (V.O.)

I suppose it’ll do.

TITLE: “We apologize for the inconvenience.”

TITLE: “LOST”

FADE OUT.