Here’s my take on the “LOST” edition of Sketchwar.
FADE IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
SANDRA and TIFFANY watch TV.
(Tiffany rather more intensely than Sandra.)
TV SINGERS (O.S.)
It’s wacky and Canadian! / It’s That Nutty Moose!
(After this TV title theme, nothing else from the television is clearly audible.)
TIFFANY
Look at that!
SANDRA
What?
TIFFANY
There’s a brown Nissan Sentra outside the bar.
SANDRA
Um. Yeah?
TIFFANY
It’s the exact same one that was way in the background in that curling scene last week.
SANDRA
Oh. Um, great.
TIFFANY
I’ll bet this means the Tim Hortons guy has a stalker.
ERIC enters.
TIFFANY
You’re late!
ERIC
What did I miss?
SANDRA
Eric. You hate That Nutty Moose.
ERIC
No way!
SANDRA
You called it “dull, derivative pabulum.”
ERIC
Only because I didn’t properly comprehend it, though. See, I’ve got a theory.
TIFFANY
Ooh!
SANDRA
What?
ERIC
The moose? is god.
TIFFANY
Wow!
ERIC
Just ponder it -- everyone whom the moose gazes directly at, is subsequently blessed in some way.
SANDRA
(deadpan)
You really think That Nutty Moose has supernatural elements?
ERIC
Okay, perhaps my theory is a bit ‘out there’ --
ALICIA makes a dramatic entrance.
ALICIA
Or PERHAPS it’s not OUT THERE ENOUGH!
ERIC
Oh, my. You look as though you have something to share with the class?
ALICIA
Get this: Jim the Mountie is actually dead!
SANDRA
But he just walked into the bar!
ALICIA
Exactly. What’s you’re seeing? That’s his ghost.
The argument gradually becomes heated.
ERIC
But we’ve never seen Mountie Jim die!
ALICIA
It could have happened off-camera!
ERIC
Technically, Mountie Jim could just be a figment of Doris’s imagination at this point.
TIFFANY
No, if Mountie Jim died, somebody would have said something about it!
ALICIA
PLEASE! We don’t even know if these episodes are in chronological ORDER!
SANDRA
What is wrong with you people? There are no hidden meanings in That Nutty Moose. It’s a light dramedy about a small town in
Saskatchewan!
ALICIA
And one that you, apparently, can’t appreciate properly!
TIFFANY
Yeah!
SANDRA
That’s it! All of you: out! Just leave me to watch my show in peace.
ALICIA
Sorry.
ERIC
It’s been tough, y’know, since --
SANDRA
Go!
Sandra shoos them all out.
FADE OUT.
OVER BLACK
TITLE: “On May 24th, LOST fans will be released back into the general population.”
ALICIA (V.O.)
I’ve got Fringe DVR’d.
TIFFANY (V.O.)
Eh.
ERIC (V.O.)
I suppose it’ll do.
TITLE: “We apologize for the inconvenience.”
TITLE: “LOST”
FADE OUT.