Here’s my take on the “Seduction” edition of Sketchwar.
A gauzy camera pans across blinking network equipment as soft, ROMANTIC MUSIC plays.
We now return to Harlequin IT Theatre’s presentation: “Unexpected Downtime”.
The title “Unexpected Downtime” appears over the footage, in an appropriately scrolly, romance-novel-y font.
INT. OFFICE – NIGHT
SHOSHANNA (20s), a bit too fancily-dressed and -coiffed for office work, sits at her elegant desk in her elegant office.
Her computer shows an error message.
REYNALDO (20s) enters in the background, barely visible.
Shoshanna, you said you’ve hit a routing connectivity error with an 802.11g WiFi card.
Shoshanna whips around to see --
We get a better look at him now -- he’s basically Fabio in an white short-sleeved dress shirt and Dockers.
Reynaldo! How dare you set foot in my office?
It’s my job. And there’s no network-migration problem you can get into that I can’t fix.
Oh, really? Well, when you ‘fixed’ Clarissa’s machine, you stripped her motherboard bare, paved her OS, and left her with a minimal distro of Ubuntu. I... can never trust you again, Reynaldo.
Reynaldo approaches, all puppy-dog sympathy.
Please. Shoshanna. You don’t even have LAN access.
Oh, fine! Just this once!
She steps aside, and Reynaldo hunkers down over the computer.
He whips off his shirt.
What?! Why are you removing your shirt in my office?!
He turns his attention back to Shoshanna.
I can’t help it, Shoshanna. Your machine, it... runs hotter than normal.
I may have to manipulate your heat sink until things cool down.
But... what’s wrong with it?
Reynaldo gets closer and closer to Shoshanna.
Maybe your fans need to be oiled. Maybe there’s a loose plug that needs to be grabbed and firmly seated.
Now they’re mere inches apart.
... or maybe your disk hasn’t been defragmented in a long, long time.
Oh, damn you, Reynaldo! Damn your smoldering eyes and thorough technical expertise!
She kisses him, passionately.
As they continue kissing, the camera pans away to a blinking network router and blurs out of focus.
MR. CARLSON (O.S.)
WAIT ONE MINUTE!
-- a mean old man in a fancy suit -- stands just outside the office doorway.
If it isn’t Reynaldo, the bad-boy IT-maintenance engineer. This is not your lucky day, son.
Mr. Carlson brandishes a sheet of paper clearly labeled ‘corporate reassignment’.
I’ve got you reassigned... to IT support at the Bangalore remote office. Effective immediately.
Mr. Carlson, of all the underhanded --
Get your shirt and go, son.
Reynaldo grabs his shirt and exits.
It’s for your own good, princess.
You! You just outsourced the only man I ever loved!
Shoshanna SLAMS the door on Mr. Carlson.
She BURSTS INTO TEARS.
Same as before -- gauzy camera, network equipment, ROMANTIC MUSIC.
Harlequin IT Theatre’s presentation of: “Unexpected Downtime” will return after these messages.