INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

A husband and wife, Eugene and Selma, are watching a courtroom drama on television in their living room. Selma munches on popcorn.

EUGENE

How can you watch this garbage Selma? It’s so inaccurate. It’s nothing like a real courtroom or legal proceeding. I should know, I’m a lawyer.

SELMA

Shhh! They’re about to start the trial!

EUGENE

You know you can’t really do that. Most cases take months or even years to get to trial.

SELMA

Will you just let me enjoy my show?

EUGENE

Fine, but you’re being miseducated about the American legal system.

The front door is kicked in and two detectives come barreling in guns drawn.

DETECTIVE ONE

Eugene Sandalbox, you’re under arrest for libel and slander of TV Cop and Courtroom Dramas.

EUGENE

What? Who are you? Do you have some kind of warrant?

DETECTIVE TWO

We don’t need a warrant, we have probable cause.

EUGENE

No, you really do. That’s not...

Detective one pushes Eugene up against a wall.

DETECTIVE ONE

What do we have here, a tough guy?

Selma watches the exchange fascinated, and continues to eat her popcorn.

DETECTIVE TWO

Easy Jimmy. We don’t want to damage any of the evidence. Make sure you wear gloves or use a poker stick.

EUGENE

What the hell are you guys talking about? What agency are you with?

DETECTIVE ONE

Wouldn’t you like to know, jerk-face! We’re taking you to trial!

EUGENE

To trial?! Huh?

INT. COURTROOM – DAY

A full on jury trial is in session as Eugene looks around baffled.

EUGENE

Don’t I get booked or charged or at least get a lawyer or maybe even some pretrial briefing?!? I mean, can’t I file some motions or pleadings here for goodness sake!?

JUDGE

Overruled.

EUGENE

What?!? That’s not even a...

JUDGE

I said overruled, Mr. Sandalbox. Plaintiff’s counsel, you may proceed with your opening statement.

PLAINTIFF

The State would like to move for summary judgment.

EUGENE

What?!? On what grounds? My god, this is an outrage...

JUDGE

Hold on there, Mr. Sandalbox, would you like to move for summary judgment too?

EUGENE

Sure, I would. I guess. I mean, what?

JUDGE

Okay then, the two summary judgment motions contradict each other. The trial continues.

EUGENE

What? How can that be, this is heresy!

PLAINTIFF

Objection your honor!

JUDGE

Sustained. Please note that that be stricken from the record.

PLAINTIFF

I’d like to call a surprise witness.

EUGENE

There can be no such thing! ONE MUST DISCLOSE WITNESSES!

JUDGE

I’ll allow it.

PLAINTIFF

I call to the stand, Eugene’s wife, Selma.

The full courtroom ooohs and awwws.

Selma walks to the box and takes the stand.

PLAINTIFF

Hello Selma. How would you characterize your husband’s opinions about TV courtroom dramas?

SELMA

He doesn’t like them.

PLAINTIFF

No! He doesn’t, does he?!? That’s right! He’s a Nazi, a child molestor, a horrible person! He caused Hurricaine Katrina!

EUGENE

Those aren’t questions, he’S...

PLAINTIFF

Withdrawn!

EUGENE

You can’t do that without being punished, I mean...

JUDGE

He said withdrawn. You know, I think I’ve heard enough. I’m going to go ahead and rule in favor of the Plaintiff.

EUGENE

Why the heck is there a jury here then? Isn’t this a jury trial?

JUDGE

I sentence you to...

EUGENE

Wait, shouldn’t there be a sentencing hearing?

JUDGE

TV PRISON!

EUGENE

TV Prison?!

JUDGE

Think Oz but worse.