Here’s my take on the “Starting Over” edition of Sketchwar.
FADE IN:
EXT. BEACH – DAY
CHRISTOPHER (30) plays fetch with his dog on a sunny, idyllic beach.
A “KBXY NEWS” logo sits in the lower-right corner of the screen (as it does throughout).
NEWSCASTER (V.O.)
Meet Christopher Bailey, a man who’s quit the rat race in Manhattan for a shack by the beach in Kawileah. He’s given up on a high-roller salary to pursue his dream...
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN
“TroothBombzBlowinUp” types in a youtube comment: “are you a fuken nazi in naziland”.
NEWSCASTER (V.O.)
... being a dick to people on youtube.
INT. SHACK – DAY
Christopher types at his laptop in a little shack that looks out on the ocean. Happy. Almost beatific. A man at peace.
CHRISTOPHER
“Are you a fucking Nazi in Nazi-land?”
(contented sigh)
Yeah. Sending that.
He clicks the mouse.
INT. TV STUDIO – DAY
DEBORAH (30), cheery and attractive, faces on offscreen reporter. A chyron appears: “Deborah Mendell: Girlfriend”.
DEBORAH
Chris is amazing. He’s just the happiest guy I know.
INT. TV STUDIO – DAY
GARTH (40), a good-natured hippie, faces an offscreen reporter. A chyron appears: “Garth Wilson: Friend, Life Coach”.
GARTH
No matter who you are, there’s nothing more important than following your bliss. And I think Chris is a guy who understands that.
INT. TV STUDIO – DAY
Back to Deborah.
DEBORAH
It’s like he’s got this mission, to piss off every person who uses youtube.
EXT. BEACH – DAY
Christopher throws a piece of driftwood for his dog to fetch.
DEBORAH (V.O.)
I tell him that’s impossible, but you know what? That only makes him more determined.
CHRISTOPHER
This guy posted a video about how to handle the latest changes in Massachusetts estate law. I think I’m gonna tell him I hope he gets colon cancer.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
BOB and ANNA (20s) -- intense, grad-student types -- face an off-screen reporter. Chyron: Bob Devotchnik and Anna Hare: Youtube Commenters”.
Behind them is a whiteboard. At the top: “Fuken or fukn -- which is more offensive?” Below that is a list of bullet points addressing the question.
BOB
It’s a common misconception that these comments come from angry teenagers. Really, it’s a labor of love from maybe a hundred people.
ANNA
Yeah, I mean: imagine the dumbest person you know. Now think about the average youtube comment -- it’s even dumber, right?
BOB
It’s no accident.
ANNA
It’s hard work from dedicated craftsmen like Chris.
INT. SHACK – DAY
Chris sits at his computer, showing off youtube profiles.
CHRISTOPHER
This one is actually an automated system I set up.
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN
The screen shows a profile for “XtremeBlackIdPeezFan”.
CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)
It goes to music videos and puts in recommendations for the Black Eyed Peas.
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN
A youtube comment from “XtremeBlackIdPeezFan”: “fuck this shit wwhh you not listen to my humps my humps roooolz shti”
CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)
I’ve set up lots of personas.
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN
The screen shows a youtube profile for “UnrepentantBlackguard”. Its profile photo is an old-timey boxing poster.
CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)
Reginald Thornbottom is a 19th-century Wessex mill worker.
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN
A youtube comment from “UnrepentantBlackguard”: “were i within striking distance of you, sir, i would heartily give you what-for!”
A reply comment: “what”
CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)
Even if you have no idea what he’s saying, you still know you got burned.
INT. SHACK – DAY
Same as before.
CHRISTOPHER
And that’s what it’s all about.
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN
A youtube profile for “Yarr!” A pirate.
CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)
I’ve tried a pirate, but nobody takes him seriously.
INT. TV STUDIO – DAY
GREG (50s, fat, bald) addresses the offscreen interviewer. Chyron: “Greg Rollins: former boss”.
GREG
Don’t get me wrong, Chris was a superior hedge-fund manager. But he was clearly under stress, and he never seemed to relate to the rest of the management team.
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN
A youtube video shows Maru the cat trying to fit himself into a box.
GREG (V.O.)
Except for that one time we talked about cat videos.
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN
A comment on the video from “InfoWarsFckyeah” reads, “Your cat is stupid.”
BOB (V.O.)
Clearly, something was wrong with Chris.
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Back to Bob and Anna and the whiteboard.
BOB
The stress was getting to him, the lifestyle, something.
ANNA
We started seeing comments like this one --
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN
Another comment from “InfoWarsFckyeah”: “u retardc i thers just 1 word 4 u annits”
ANNA
“You retard C, I there’s just one word for you an’ it’s...”
INT. OFFICE – DAY
Back to Bob and Anna.
ANNA
It’s what, Chris? What is it?
BOB
The Chris we knew would have never done such shoddy work.
NEWSCASTER (V.O.)
What did you do for him?
BOB
We talked about an intervention, but Anna mentioned one of the great bitchfukkpanties comments.
INSERT – COMPUTER SCREEN
A comment from “bitchfukkpanties” reads, “you stupid getyer ass righ fur fuks sak fag”.
ANNA
“You stupid get yer ass righ fur fuks sak fag.”
INT. OFFICE – DAY
As before.
BOB
We’re pretty sure it means, “There are some things a man has to sort out on his own.”
EXT. BEACH – DAY
Christopher types away on his laptop, his dog sitting beside him. A passing TOURIST holds a smartphone, glaring at it.
TOURIST
Goddamn “Black Eyed Peas fan”....
CHRISTOPHER
That right there? That’s what makes it all worthwhile.
EXT. BEACH PICNIC – DAY
Christopher, Anna, and Bob have a little picnic on the beach. They pore over a chart with two columns of offensive words. There’s a line drawn between “fag” in the left column and “nazi” in the right.
NEWSCASTER (V.O.)
So, want to know what really matters in life? Just ask Christopher Bailey. Address: the beach, Hawaii, USA.
CHRISTOPHER
“Fagnazi”. I like the sound of that.
FADE OUT.