Friday Sketch War: Holiday Edition

My week off didn’t necessarily inspire any great writing this week. But the blowing snow that I woke up to did. For whatever twisted reason, my brain has had “Deck the Halls” on constant repeat in my head.

It looks like Richard took some time away from praying to the Basketball and Porcelain Gods to drive to the hoop.

And Dave is summing up how we all feel when that dark day arrives.

As always, feel free to play along. Honestly, we call it a “war”, but we’re really lovers at heart.

(AT RISE: Max is slouching in a chair. He holds a glass of whiskey, the almost empty bottle sits on the table in front of him. He downs the rest of his drink and puts the glass down. With a heavy sigh he reaches for a gun. A .38 pistol. He looks at the gun for a moment and then puts the barrel to his temple. He closes his eyes. Will appears behind him.)

WILL: That’s really going to hurt you know.

(Max jumps, startled and drops the gun.)

WILL: Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.

MAX: How did you get in here?

WILL: You’re pointing a gun to your head about to take your own life and you’re worried about how secure your back door is?

MAX: Good point. Take whatever you want.

(Max picks up the gun and points it to his head.)

WILL: I didn’t come here to rob you.

MAX: Look, pal-

WILL: Will.

MAX: Whatever. This isn’t as easy as it looks okay? So I’d really appreciate it if you’d stop distracting me.

WILL: Made up your mind? Really going to go through with it?

MAX: Yes.

WILL: Huh.

(Max lowers the gun)

MAX: What?

WILL: What?

MAX: What’s “huh” supposed to mean?

WILLL: Well, it’s just that you’ve never completed anything you’ve started. Never seen anything through to the end in your whole life. I’m just a little surprised that this is the project you’ve decided to actually finish.

MAX: Who are you?

WILL: I’m Will.

MAX: What do you want from me?

WILL: That’s a really good question, Max.

MAX: Well, Will?

WILL: I’m here to show you how you’re life touches other people. To show you what will happen to them if you kill yourself.

MAX: Isn’t there a movie about this?

WILL: Yes. That’s where we got the idea. This time of year is full of suicides and a bunch of us were all sitting around watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” when someone said “Hey would should just do that.” So here I am.

(Max puts down the gun)

MAX: All right. Let’s see it.

WILL: We’ll start with your wife.

MAX: Ex-wife.

WILL: Right.

(A panel shifts to the side to reveal a couple making passionate love.)

WIFE: Yes! Yes! Yes! Don’t stop! You’re so much better than Max!

(The panel shifts back into place.)

WILL: Perhaps we should start with your mother.

MAX: My mother is dead.

WILL: Your brother?
(Max shakes his head “no”)
(Max shakes his head “no”)
Best friend?
Right, your best friend then.

(A panel shift to reveal the same couple making passionate love.)

BEST FRIEND: Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh baby you are so hot! Max was an idiot to ever let you go!

(The panel shifts back into place.)

WILL: How about someone you haven’t seen in a while?

MAX: There’s my Uncle Lou. I haven’t seen him in years.

(The panel slides back to reveal the couple still going at it. Uncle Lou enters)

UNCLE LOU: Little Maxie, are you here? It’s your old Uncle…
(He sees them going at it.)
Great day in the morning.
Say son, how’s about you move over a give an old pro a chance?

BEST FRIEND/WIFE: Sure, come on in!

(The panel slides back into place)

MAX: Are you finished? Or does someone else get to bang my wife?

WILL: Ex-wife.

(Max picks up the gun)

MAX: Excuse me.

WILL: No, wait. There has to be someone whose life will be altered if you kill yourself.

MAX: I don’t think I’m going to kill myself anymore.

WILL: Oh. That’s good. My work is done here.

(Max crosses over and pulls back the panel where the three of them are going at it. He shoots them all. He pulls the panel back into place.)

WILL: Oh my.

MAX: Do angels die if you shoot them?

WILL: Oh, I’m not an angel, I live next doo-

(Max shoots Will. Max walks back over to his seat and pours himself another drink and starts singing “Deck the Halls”)