INT. STUDIO – NIGHT

SEYMOUR – late forties, wearing a long sleeved T-shirt and jeans, sneers at the stage. Beside him SELENA, late forties, still pretty in a rumpled, confused way, waves at the camera, and MIKEY – forties, grinning and heavyset, wearing brightly colored clothing, sits and grins inanely. One the stage, BRYAN OCEANCREST – late thirties, well-groomed and charismatic waves a microphone at a packed house.

BRYAN

And here are your judges. Cynical, curmudgeon from across the big puddle, proponent of bad clothing and himself, SEYMOUR TROWEL.

SEYMOUR tries a smile that fails and waves his fingers.

BRYAN (CONT’D)

SELENA ACHMED, recording star, dog lover, and prime supporter of half a dozen brands of alcoholic magic.

SELENA smiles brightly and does an impropmtu dance, hands waving over her head.

BRYAN (CONT’D)

And MIKEY HACKSON – producer, star-maker, DOGG lover.

MIKEY woofs like a dog and gives BRYAN a peace symbol.

BRYAN (CONT’D)

Tonight, on this stage, we’ll be making history. Last night you heard them, and tonight...America has voted.

MUSIC rises from (O.S.) the lights whirl around BRYAN as he turns to gesture at the stage.

BRYAN (CONT’D)

Here they are, your top four contestants. They come from all walks of life, rich, poor, intelligent, and not so much. They represent your hopes and dreams, and they share a single dream. They want to lead you, and all the free world. Tonight we’ll decide. THIS...is PRESIDENTIAL IDOL!

CUT TO:

INT STAGE – CONTINUOUS

FOUR STOOLS rise from the floor of the stage. Three of them are filled. BRYAN stares at them for a moment. In one STAN BALDMAN – forties, shaved head and clutching a briefcase. The second holds YVONNE TRUMPSTEIN – late thirties, slender,beautiful and shimmering with designer sequins and diamonds. The third stool is filled by a BRADLEY WEBSTER – mid 30s, Long hair and thick glasses. He wears a GO GREEN T-shirt. The last stool is empty. From (O.S.) a man in a suit with a headset on steps onto the stage. He leans in, whispers something to Bryan, hands him a note and steps back.

BRYAN

Well now, here’s a bit of sad news for IDOL fans out there. Candidate DENISE RODMAN DENTON has been disqualified. She didn’t fully disclose the nature of her relationship to former world leader BILLY BOB CARTIER – seems it’s actually RODMAN-DENTON-CARTIER. And so...we’re down to three. Without further ado. STAN BALDMAN, center stage.

STAN slips off his stool and stumbles to the middle of the stage, still clutching his briefcase. He stops in the spotlight beside BRYAN.

BRYAN (CONT’D)

Last night, you said, “The country is in economic crisis. I’ve paid my taxes all my life, balanced my checkbook, and run a successful accounting firm. I can balance the budget, and I have NEVER slept with an intern.” SEYMOUR said, you’re a naive little puppy dog with no concept of “big” business. SELENA didn’t like your suit. MIKEY thought you were “Old skool in da house, dogg.” America has voted. (O.S. drums roll) And I’m sorry to say, you will not be one of our top two..

STAN shuffles his feet and glances at the floor. Then he looks up.

STAN

Should I do my speech again? I mean, do they want to hear that fiscal responsibility and a balanced budget...

BRYAN

That’s okay man. Really. It’s got to be a thrill to make it this far.

STAN

I...

BRYAN

Well said...please have a seat. YVONNE, BRADLEY, come on down.

YVONNE flounces off her stool and dances her way to center stage where she attempts to hip bump RYAN – who sidesteps and nearly sends her flying. BRADLEY steps onto the stage, running his hand back through his hair and staring up into the lights as if fascinated.

BRYAN (CONT’D)

YVONNE – you told everyone you’d throw extravagant parties, sleep with any foreign leader who gave you a hard time, and paint the White House PINK for change.

YVONNE preens and vogues.

BRYAN (CONT’D)

BRADLEY – your platform is based on the legalization of marijuana, socialized medicine, and free trade with several totalitarian states. You promised to change the national anthem to SMOKE ON THE WATER.

BRADLEY grins, gives a peace sign to the audience and holds up a small red book. He pulls round Lennon sunglasses from his breast pocket and slips them on.

BRYAN (CONT’D)

America...has voted.

BRADLEY and YVONNE turn to smile and wave into the cameras. Both are already celebrating their assumed victory.

BRYAN (CONT’D)

After nearly 20,000,000 votes, the verdict is in...and our new PRESIDENTIAL IDOL IS...

SEYMOUR

Just get on with it, will you?

BRYAN

The new leader of the free world is... SEYMOUR TROWEL!

BRADLEY and YVONNE turn to stare at BRYAN, who shrugs.

BRYAN (CONT’D)

Let’s face it. You two are morons, and the one thing certain about this show is...they only watch for SEYMOUR.

The National Anthem begins playing, and BRADLEY and YVONNE are escorted off stage. News photographers and reporters swarm the stage.

FADE TO BLACK: