(The game show set of “Danielle Steel or Steely Dan.” The host, ZACK HICKS, grins at the camera.)
ZACK
Hello again everybody, and welcome to “Danielle Steel or Steely Dan,” the game that quizzes your knowledge of popular literature and music. Let’s meet today’s contestant!
ANNOUNCER
Today’s contestant is a dental hygienist from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Please welcome Jill Beringer!
(JILL enters excitedly amidst applause.)
ZACK
Welcome, Jill!
JILL
Thanks, Jack!!
ZACK
You know how it works. I will give you a title. And you have to tell me if it’s the title of a book by renowned romance novelist Danielle Steel or of a song by jazz-infused classic rockers Steely Dan. You ready?
JILL
I am!
ZACK
We’re going to start out simple with your first title. “Haitian Divorce.” Danielle Steel or Steely Dan?
JILL
That has got to be Danielle Steel.
ZACK
And why is that?
JILL
I think it follows a woman who decided she and her husband should take separate vacations to separate tropical countries. She got the idea from her sister, who has nicknamed this a “Haitian Divorce.” She falls in love with a passionate, well-endowed local conman who takes her to bed but then takes her for all she’s worth, and then she returns to her marriage sadder and wiser.
ZACK
No, I’m afraid it is a Steely Dan song.
AUDIENCE
Awwww!
ZACK
“Haitian Divorce”? Doesn’t ring a bell?
JILL
No!
ZACK
Well, if it’s any consolation, your plot was surprisingly accurate. All righty, next title. “Five Days in Paris.” Danielle Steel or Steely Dan?
JILL
I’m going to say… Um…
ZACK
“Five Days in Paris.”
JILL
Okay, I’m going with Steely Dan, and here’s why. It sounds like a narrative about a businessman who brings his mistress to a casino under the guise of taking a business trip, but he becomes crippled with guilt and spends all his time at the blackjack table. And then he gets violently mugged.
ZACK
No, I’m afraid it’s Danielle Steel.
AUDIENCE
Awwww!
ZACK
This steamy 1997 novel follows a president of a pharmaceutical empire and a senator’s wife – two lives forever changed by five days in the titular city. Jill, it’s just not your day so far!
JILL
I know!
ZACK
That’s all right, your fortunes will turn. Shall we move to the next title?
JILL
Yes!
ZACK
All right. “Glamour Profession.” Danielle Steel or Steely Dan?
JILL
Grr! These are impossible!
ZACK
“Glamour Profession.”
JILL
Okay. I think that’s Danielle Steel. And… It’s about the modeling industry. A beautiful young model in Manhattan, right off the bus, gets seduced by a swarthy but soulful bohemian photographer who introduces her to a billionaire banker. She becomes a kept woman and becomes addicted to the high rolling lifestyle, until she sees her billionaire starting a relationship with a new young model. And she sees that she has given up her soul.
ZACK
I like that plot.
JILL
Thank you.
ZACK
I would read that book.
JILL
Would you?
ZACK
If only it existed. Because it is in fact a Steely Dan song about an athlete/drug dealer in Los Angeles.
JILL
Darn!
AUDIENCE
Awwww!
ZACK
It’s okay, these are tough. Are you ready for one more?
JILL
Let’s do this.
ZACK
All righty. “Mirror Image.” Danielle Steel or Steely Dan?
JILL
“Mirror Image.” Um… “Mirror Image.”
ZACK
Danielle Steel or Steely Dan?
JILL
I think… I’m going to go… with… Steely Dan.
ZACK
And why is that?
JILL
Because it sounds like some middle class suburbanites sitting by the pool the day after a swingers party they’ve hosted. Um. There was a lot of marijuana, and then they selected keys from a bowl. But they picked their own keys. And now they’re glaring at each other, trying to laugh it off, drinking cocktails to take the edge off their hangovers, but inside, their hearts are burbling over with resentment. And I think maybe their friend has committed suicide.
ZACK
That makes perfect sense to me, but guess what.
JILL
It was Danielle Steel.
ZACK
I’m afraid so.
AUDIENCE
Awwww!
ZACK
A work of historical fiction taking place in the early 1900s, “Mirror Image” follows the exploits of Olivia and Victoria, two beautiful young heiresses who are identical twins.
JILL
I was going to say that!
ZACK
That’s all right! You can make it all up in our speed round. Are you ready?
JILL
As ready as I’ll ever be, Zack.
ZACK
All righty. The clock starts when I read the first title. “The House on Hope Street.”
JILL
Steely Dan.
(buzzer – wrong answer)
ZACK
“Pearl of the Quarter.”
JILL
Danielle Steel.
(buzzer – wrong answer)
ZACK
“A Perfect Stranger.”
JILL
Steely Dan.
(buzzer – wrong answer)
ZACK
“Wanderlust.”
JILL
Steely Dan.
(buzzer – wrong answer)
ZACK
“Rose Darling.”
JILL
Danielle Steel.
(buzzer – wrong answer)
ZACK
“Green Earrings.”
JILL
Danielle Steel.
(buzzer – wrong answer)
ZACK
“Babylon Sisters.”
JILL
Danielle Steel.
(buzzer – wrong answer)
ZACK
“Fine Things.”
JILL
Steely Dan.
(buzzer – wrong answer)
ZACK
“My Rival.”
JILL
Danielle Steel.
(buzzer – wrong answer)
ZACK
“Granny Dan.”
JILL
Steely Dan.
(buzzer – wrong answer)
(We hear a mournful slash chord played on a synthesizer.)
ZACK
Jill, Jill, Jill…
JILL
(burying her face in her hands)
I know…
ZACK
I’m afraid you got not a single title right.
JILL
Oh, I am so embarrassed.
ZACK
That’s all right, we’ve got a lovely consolation prize for you. Tell her what she’s won!
ANNOUNCER
Jill will take home a year’s supply of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and a copy of Bert Ligon’s book “Connecting Chords with Linear Harmony.”
ZACK
That sound all right to you Jill?
JILL
That sounds great, Zack!
ZACK
(to the camera)
Well you know what sounds great to me? Meeting up again tomorrow for another episode of…
ZACK, JILL, AUDIENCE
Danielle Steel or Steely Dan!
(ZACK and JILL blow us a kiss. Closing credits.)