“Game-Show Crimefighters!”

FADE IN: 

STILL FRAME

In the background, a warehouse EXPLODES!

In the foreground, CHUCK WOOLERY rockets away from the scene with a jetpack!

SUPER: “Game-Show Crimefighters”

NARRATOR (V.O.)

And now, back to Game-Show Crimefighters!

EXT. CITY STREET – NIGHT

The dead of night. A desolate urban canyon.

ALEX TREBEK looks up at a big old building with a ton of windows. He wears all black, and has a rifle strapped across his back.

PAT SAJAK enters, dressed similarly and carrying a black duffel.

PAT SAJAK

Mr. Trebek.

ALEX TREBEK

Mr. Sajak. What’s on the board?

PAT SAJAK

It’s a place. We have two minutes. Good luck.

ALEX TREBEK

Drew Carey didn’t tell me which room Mr. L was in.

PAT SAJAK

Hold on.

Pat pulls a handheld video device from his pocket and speaks into it.

PAT SAJAK

Oh, Vanna?

An image appears --

ON THE VIDEO SCREEN

VANNA WHITE sits at a computer in a room full of high-tech equipment, including a large video wall.

VANNA WHITE

Pat, I hacked into the building’s security feeds.

As she speaks, she hits a few keys and a video feed of that same building shows up on the video wall.

PAT SAJAK

Tell me, are there any L’s?

She flashes her million-watt smile and gestures at a third-floor window.

With a ‘BING!’, a block-letter “L” appears in the window.

BACK TO SCENE

Alex Trebek and Pat Sajak look at the video screen.

ALEX TREBEK

Third floor.

PAT SAJAK

Rappelling equipment?

ALEX TREBEK

Actually, Pat, this building was constructed in the late 50s with basic brick-and-mortar construction. Windowsills of that era weren’t designed to hold significant weight, and --

PAT SAJAK

Zipwires, then?

ALEX TREBEK

You knows it.

INT. TORTURE ROOM – NIGHT

In the center of a big, empty room with big windows, two men face each other.

REGIS PHILBIN sits strapped to a chair, with an array of menacing-looking lasers pointed at his head.

Across from him, JAMES LIPTON sits in a swivel chair, a Persian cat in his lap.

On one of the swivel-chair’s armrests sits James Lipton’s usual stack of blue index cards.

On the other sits a control panel with several buttons and a hinged cover-plate.

JAMES LIPTON

Regis Aloysius Shaniqua Philbin. Host of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Noted crooner and memoirist. And first victim of the Laser-tron Engine of Doom.

REGIS PHILBIN

You’ll never get away with this, James Lipton!

JAMES LIPTON

Is that your final answer?

REGIS PHILBIN

You plagiarizing bastard!

JAMES LIPTON

Reeg. You spearheaded this blight of prime-time game shows that shouldered aside more high-minded discourse.

(to the cat)

Right, Brando?

REGIS PHILBIN

They give a chance for the little guy, the guy who isn’t already a big star, to get by on his smarts and be a hero!

JAMES LIPTON

Big talk, Mister Philbin, but this ends now! And when you reach heaven -- which should be in ten seconds --

James Lipton opens the cover plate, revealing a big red button.

He presses it.

JAMES LIPTON

-- tell them Jimmy sent you!

Lasers gradually WHIRR to life.

GLASS CRASHES!

James Lipton jumps from his seat to see --

ALEX TREBEK AND PAT SAJAK

-- standing in front of a shattered window.

PAT SAJAK

Welcome to the lightning round.

ALEX TREBEK

Or as they say on my set --

He aims the rifle at James Lipton, cocks it.

ALEX TREBEK

-- “Final Jeopardy.”

James Lipton pulls a smoke grenade out of a coat pocket and throws it to the ground.

Smoke fills the room.

Everyone coughs.

The lasers make more WARMING-UP noises.

Regis Philbin tries to wrench himself free, but it’s no use.

PAT SAJAK

Tear gas!

ALEX TREBEK

No, Pat, lachrymatory agents cause a variety of symptoms, including temporary blindness, and pain from the corneal nerves. This is a more conventional smoke grenade, which use white phosphorous to create a straightforward “fog-of-war” effect.

While this is going on, James Lipton snaps his fingers --

JAMES LIPTON

Third-year acting students!

Out of nowhere, four ACTING STUDENTS appear, carrying a sedan chair.

James Lipton boards the chair.

JAMES LIPTON

Visualize getting us the hell out of here!

-- and off they go.

Alex Trebek finds his way to James Lipton’s chair and presses one of the control-panel buttons.

The laser noises cut off.

Pat Sajak undoes Regis Philbin’s ropes.

PAT SAJAK

You okay there, Regis?

REGIS PHILBIN

Forget about me! Lipton’s getting away.

ALEX TREBEK

Don’t worry, Reeg. One day, we’ll give him some lovely parting gifts --

Regis Philbin and Pat Sajak look confused.

ALEX TREBEK

-- of pain!

All three laugh.

FREEZE-FRAME on that, and --

FADE TO BLACK.